Quotebook: Amusing Bits I
All the people capable of running the government are too smart to get into politics in the first place!
-- Herman
Zippy the wonder slug...
-- Me, describing a slow bus driver
Reality is a crutch for those who can't handle Science Fiction.
-- Sharyn McCrumb, Bimbos of the Death Sun
Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life...now that's depressing.
-- Ziggy
Ich glaube mein Schwein pfeif!
-- German expression of disbelief - "I think my pig is whistling!"
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe.
-- Dr. McCoy, "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home"
Give him an inch and he thinks he's a ruler!
-- Spanky
Were aliens likely to enjoy the music of Stevie Wonder and the Four Tops and the Pointer Sisters? Hardly. To human ears, alien music probably sounded like knights in armor playing bagpipes while simultaneously falling down a long flight of stairs amidst a pack of baying hounds.
-- Dean R. Koontz, Midnight
Drink your coffee. People in India are sleeping.
-- coffee mug
To find the IQ of a group, take the average IQ of the poeple involved and divide by the number of people in the group. Anyone who has ever marched troops can verify that a hundred men have the collective intelligence of a centipede.
-- Leo Frankowski, The High-Tech Knight
With me, women are like aspirin - I take two and go to bed!
-- Joey on "Degrassi Jr. High"
Whoa! Wake up on the wrong side of nobody this morning?
-- "Dear John"
What do you get when you cross a pig with an East High football player?
Nothing - there's some things a pig just won't do.
-- Me
If you go there...wear a jacket...
-- Billy Crystal
A - L - L spells everything.
-- Josh Buessler
Calling her thin would be missing the perfect chance to use the word emaciated.
-- Me
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!
-- "Leather Goddesses of Phobos"
I went into a restaurant that said they served breakfast anytime, so I ordered pancakes in the Renaissance...
-- Steven Wright
Cancer cures smoking.
-- sticker
70% of the accidents in this world are caused by people. 70% of the people in this world are caused by accidents.
Kevin thinks I'm seductive? Kevin thinks the Smurfs are seductive!
-- Karyn Moore
Premenstrual Syndrome: Just before their periods, women act the way men do all the time.
-- Robert Heinlein
When it comes to sex, there are certain things that should always be left unkown. And with my luck - they will be.
-- Woody Allen
Could Jesus have gone swimming if he really wanted to?
-- anonymous
It's amazing that something as simple as a screw could do so much for you!
-- Jeremy Canfield
He looks like the Pilsbury Dough Boy on a bad day.
-- Diedre Petersen
Men have been blaming women for their problems ever since Adam and Eve. Adam was the first man to say, "She started it!"
-- Mrs. Armstrong
I just like watching it get big.
-- Diedre Petersen (her bank account...)
"What's love?"
"Well, say the object of your affection walks by. First your heart falls into your stomach, splashing your innards, making you sweat. All the condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you babble like a cretin until she leaves."
"That's love?"
"Medically speaking."
"Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!"
-- "Calvin & Hobbes"
Brain sex: when two people think the same thing at the same time.
Great minds think alike - and so do ours.
-- Neal Wozniak
If you sent American beer out to be analyzed, the lab would probably phone up and say, "Your horse has diabetes."
-- Sharyn McCrumb, Bimbos of the Death Sun
If pro is the opposite of con, then isn't progress the opposite of congress?
-- Gallagher
My God! That bowling ball! That's my wife!!!
-- The J. Giles Band, "Hold the Anchovies"
Innuendo is my life.
Don't trust Jason with your penguin, girls!
-- Frau Sanders
I sent in my application to the Optimists' Society yesterday, but I don't think they're going to accept it.
-- anonymous
AP Shop: Cast your own parts and assemble a semi. You have the semester.
I don't want to be intimate with anything that has a 90-day warranty.
-- Sally Fields, "Punchline"
Did I mention that I'm hung like a Snuffleupagus? Only Big Bird and small children can see it, though, which is kind of a problem.
-- comedian on late-night TV
I'm always quiet if you don't listen to me!
-- me
The sweetest rose -
Shoved up your nose.
You lick my toes
While in repose,
My mother knows
Where Einstein goes.
I'm in the throes
Of melanoma.
-- Royce and I, during a slow day in physics class.
That was the problem - you weren't using your tongue last time!
-- Me
"Where should I put the zucchini?"
"Oh, I don't know."
"I'll just shove it where it fits."
-- Me and Laurie McCoy, making a salad
"Do you have any measurements?"
"Oh, about twelve handfuls."
-- Laurie McCoy and Maureen, an exchange student
Don't call me a rapist - I'm a random sperm donor!
I don't want to be part of any country club that would accept me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx
Overall, I give this a sphincter factor of about 9.5!
-- Hippy, "The Abyss"
"Playboy prints some really good article, they just clutter it up with pictures of naked women."
"I'm not sure it's clutter, dad - it's more like garnish."
-- Dad and I debating the merits of 'adult' magazines
I drank what?
-- Socrates
If it feels good, do it again. If not, find another partner.
-- Karyn Moore
"I came, I saw, she conquered." The original Latin seems to have been garbled.
-- Lazarus Long
Why is the sky blue? Because if it was green we wouldn't konw where to stop mowing.
-- me
Be kind to cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
-- anonymous
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!
-- Heather #1, '"Heathers"
One time I saw a subliminal advertising executive...but just for a second.
-- Steven Wright
Did you hear she ran over a Mack truck the other day?
-- Kevin Eliasen
German is just not a pretty language. It's hard to seduce someone when you're coughing up beer bubbles!
-- Patrick Whitsell
Have you heard the theme song from the new ads urging everyone to sign up for the draft? "It's Saudi Duty Time..."
-- Chad Terry
It'll be very!
-- "Heathers"
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
-- The President of the United States, in "Dr. Strangelove"
Alright. But if you don't get ahold of the President, do you konw who you'll have to answer to? The Coca-Cola company!
-- General Batguano, "Dr. Strangelove"
Life's a bitch and then you die. The new slang version of the Bible.
-- Mrs. Armstrong
The new album from M. C. Escher, "Please Escher Don't Hurt 'Em," featuring the hit single, "You Can't Draw That!"
-- Jason Alexander
Why do they call Wednesday "Hump Day" when most of us get it on the weekends?
-- Chad Terry
Is it Baroque? I don't know, but if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it!
-- Bryan Medsker
"I've got it! The only phrase that Woody can't turn into some sick sexual innuendo, because the very words themselves shut down all sexual response - Roseanne Barr!"
"Oh, I don't know - at least with Roseanne you don't have to spring for a waterbed!"
-- Kevin Eliasen and I
My mind isn't always in the gutter - sometimes I let it out to feed.
-- me
Who said I wasn't humble? Of course I'm humble! If I wasn't humble, I'd be imperfect!
-- Jeremy Canfield
"If you gave an infinite amount of monkeys an infinite amount of typewriters, sooner or later they'd produce all of Shakepeare's plays."
"Is that some sort of crack on Shakespeare?"
-- Dad and Kevin
I wonder if he ever realized I taped that 'Kick Me' sign on the inside of his foreskin?
-- Royce, dorking around on my computer late one night
I need to pee so bad my eyes are watering!
-- Amy
a politician is an ares upon
which everyone has sat except a man
-- e. e. cummings
Would you stop it with that stupid tongue, Monica?
-- Stiffy, trying to take a picture
Cockpit? Would that be something like an armpit?
-- me
What's 100 meters long and has two chest hairs?
A line for a New Kids on the Block concert!
-- Christian Mueller
Two beer or not two beer, that is the question - Shakesbeer
-- seen on a poster in Germany
"I'm trapped in Germany with a bunch of white people!"
"Yeah - Ah've been kidnapped by honkeys!"
-- Stiffy and me teasing Courtney, the only black kid in our travel group
"Mark - Verena!"
"Shut up...she's cute!"
-- Me and a slightly plastered Stiffy, looking for drinking partners
"Oh, Kevin, you're so funny!"
"Yeah, but looks aren't everything."
"Unfortunately, Kevin, in your case they are!"
-- Sabina, Kevin, then me
Courtney, you're the anti-Christ. No, nevermind, you're not that bad. You're the anti- of something good, though. You're the anti-Smurf! Courtney, you're the anti-Smurf.
-- me
Voulez-vous...avec che...mo moi?
-- a slightly tanked Adam Chose
"Ooh aah..."
"Let's eat!
-- Stiffy and me, hungry, after too many churches
I don't understand nearly as much German as they're saying!
-- me, about a bunch of kids we met in Berlin
That's where that came from! DROOL - Divine Revelation of an Object Of Lust!
-- me, ogling in Germany
Mike's having puberty flashbacks.
-- Stiffy
"Well, they say that good things in small packages."
"Well then, Stiffy, you must be the best!"
-- Stiffy, then me
"Wie sagt man 'bingo' auf Deutsch?"
"Bingo auf Deutsch!"
-- me, Jon, or Stiffy, then someone else
I feel kind of happy right now.
-- Jon, after a makeout session with a German girl
I was in the wrong fucking disco!
-- me, after missing out a date with a German girl
Lumber? I've never lumbered before. Is that where we get pancakes from?
-- Courtney Ramsay
Giant, lumbering pancakes laying waste to the city! Call Mrs. Butterworth!
-- me and Stiffy teasing Courtney
Fikken, bumpsen, blasen
Alles auf den Rasen
Ist der Rasen veck
Treiben wir uns Bett
-- a song by Der Toten Hosen, a German punk band (Fuck, bump and blow / always on the grass / but if the grass is wet / we'll move to the bed)
I'm thinkin' McNot!
-- Courtney, after seeing the upteenth McPaper store
Your living and breathing lets me down!
-- Courtney to Kevin Eliasen
If I was gay...!
-- Me, about Christian Slater
"So you've never had anyone suck on your toes?"
"No...I'll have to try that someday."
"I think you'd pop your hips out that way."
-- Jason Magness, me, then Heather Nighswander
"What do you look for in women?"
"Well, intelligence is..."
"Intelligence? Yeah, I'm sure that when you spot someone across the room, you say, 'Man, will you look at her intelligence!'"
"Yeah - both of 'em!"
-- group discussion, the last line from Ross Sanders
No matter where you are, there you go.
-- someone in Royce's philosophy class
I must have the teachers edition - my philosophy book has all the answers in the back!
"You only have to tell a wife once."
"Yeah, because there's no point in telling her again!"
-- a student, then the philosophy professor
If I said 'death before dishonor,' and somebody insulted my clothes, and then I committed Hari-Kari, wouldn't that lead you to believe I meant what I said?
-- the philosophy professor
One of those mornings when you wake up and want to lick the carpet to get the taste out of your mouth.
-- a hungover Sarah Buckbee
"Why are you running?"
"I'm trying to escape reality."
-- me, then Rod
That's no fair - you can poke me, but I can't poke you!
-- Tammy Ketchum
A group of militant pigeons overthrew the govermnent of Cuba today in a surprise military coo.
-- Dennis Miller
Royce, scoot over. Oh, sorry, you are.
-- me
Put your back seat to use on a Friday night
Satisfy hungry women on a nightly basis
-- Godfathers Pizza delivery driver wanted ads
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
-- anonymous
I once met a couple so progressive they tried to adopt a gay baby!
-- anonymous
He's got a phonetical devotion to the Pope. P...O...P...E...
-- me
What was that? One minute we were spanking each other with meat, and the next it got wierd!
-- Sam, "Wings"
"Liberal Arts...are there Conservative Arts?"
"Fuzzy velvet paintings of Richard Nixon."
-- me and Royce
The four properties of waves: reflection, refraction, diffraction, and propagation. Otherwise known as bounce, bend, spread, and reproduce!
-- me and Royce
Subscribe to Predeterminism! Just $20/month. You will pay. Trust us.
-- me
Pigdin Latin
Cogito ergo deo = I think, therefore I am God
Cogito primus ergo patento = I think first, therefore I get the patent
Cogito Sarah, ergo tumesco = I think about Sarah, therefore I get a woody
Cogito facilio cogito facilio cogito facilio = I think I can...
Cogito Edsel ergo deus ex machina = I think God would drive me if I were a Ford
Cogito Cochise ergo sum Cochise = I think I am Cochise, therefore I am Cochise
Cogito ergo sum, cogito = I think, therefore I am...I think
Non cogito eramus Kansas nuncio, Totos = I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
Non cogito ergo granato = I don't think, therefore I am a pomegranite
Cogito tuo Snap-onio = I think you are a dildo
Cogito nos solamos = I think we're alone now
C-c-c-c-cogito = I think, therefore I rap
Cogito telethonio = I think I am Jerry Lewis
Cogito supercilia multipodia = I think my eyebrows are turning into caterpillars
Cogito extraneo intermittento = I think I can be very strange sometimes
Cogito locus indeterminado = I think we're lost
Cogito thermo gluteo = I think she's got a hot ass
Cogito hemorrahgeo = I think I'm bleeding (or) I think I'm a hemorrhoid
-- Royce, Rod and I
Here, Karyn, could you hold this? It's too big to fit in my pocket.
-- me, about a banana
I've never teased my hair, but I've turned on a few lightbulbs in my time.
-- me
Always smell it first.
-- Michael Ornellas
Three out of four Americans make up 75% of the population.
-- David Letterman
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- Ohio U. professor
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
-- Mr. W
TAICH - There's Another I Can't Have!
-- Royce
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Johnny Carson
The number of people watching you is directly proportinate to the stupidity of your actions.
-- Tripo
"Ow!"
"I didn't do anything!"
"Well...I thought you were going to."
-- Rod and me
Come in, take off your clothes, stay a while!
-- Rod to Sarah
You shouldn't grab things that drip!
-- Rod to Diedre
Notice how well he handles his stick!
-- Diedre, about Rod's car
"Pete, all I have to do is think a happy thought?"
"Two parts happy thought, one part pixie dust," said 'Belle, sprinkling Andrea's hair.
"A warm puppy," prompted Pete. "A moonlit walk on the beach."
"A resurgence of the Cold War," said Andrea, and hit her head on the ceiling.
-- Mark Lynx, Never Say Neverland, Again
To: Royce
From: The Woodmeister
Subject: Banner
Just saw your banner when I sent the last message. Love it! It made me laugh. You make me laugh. you make me cry. You make me hiccup. You make me flatulate uncontrollably around good-looking schnauzers. Good-looking schnauzers make me hiccup while crying because I've been laughing too hard and am now in pain. Pain makes me find schnauzers attractive. A good-looking hiccuping schnauzer with red eyes from crying at how piteous my laughter sounds just reminded me that I've got a class to sleep through. Later!
-- me
It's not angel dust anymore - it's penguin dust! You sniff it and get this wierd feeling that you really want to fly, but you can't so you don't even try.... It's made from dried penguins, they end up looking like little odd-shaped rasins.... The hard part is stuffing them into the blender....
/a>-- me and Royce
"I survived..." t-shirts! "I survived Pompei," "I survived the Holocaust...".
-- Royce
"Did you fake your orgasm?"
"No, I faked his."
"Oh...well, was it good for you?"
"I dunno - ask him!"
-- me, Royce, and Rod
There shall be no penis between us!
-- Drew, "Jungle Fever"
Sheba: So how's school going this year?
Bongo: I'm trapped in an overcrowded classroom full of resentful, neglected kids. We're taught by an exhausted, underpaid teacher on the verge of a nervous breakdown. our textbooks read like they've been edited by some sort of monstrous deflavoring machine. We're taught facts that aren't true, history that didn't happen, and rules that no one obeys. Certain ideas are not allowed to be taught, certain books are banned from the library, and certain t-shirts are forbidden to be worn. Our days are filled with unchallenging tests, pointless busy-work, and mind-numbing memorijation. The administrators hate the teachers, the teachers hate their pay, the kids hate everything, and I hate myself.
Sheba: So things are improving, eh?
-- Matt Groening's "Life in Hell"
She's blind in one eye and can't see out the other!
-- Rod
What do a blonde and a computer have in common?
You don't appreciate either one of them until they go down on you.
-- Aeryn
"Where's my other shoe?"
"On your other foot."
-- Courtney Ramsay and James Clark
Apartheid - sounds like a new South African detergent, doesn't it? It's new Apartheid! The only detergent to seperate the whites from the coloreds...automatically!
-- MTV comedian
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
-- sign in Eagle River
"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be creative again. Maybe my best ideas are behind me."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry. Nothing you've done up to now has been any great shakes either."
"Ooh, so maybe my best work is still ahead of me."
"Well, you have to consider the track record here."
-- Dilbert
I can think of only three words to describe the female species. And none of them are worth mentioning.
-- Orlando, "Orlando"
Fsunrippleamblefun
Fbunsdribbleapplejuice
Frunsimpleattitude
Deafsonspickleramblespooge
-- Graffitti on the wall at Industry-13's bathroom - take-off's on Fsunjibleableje, an Anchorage industrial band
Hey, Woody...we're having a party...wanna get smashed?
-- Cindy
"Check out those chicks!"
"Where?"
"Down on the ground. Little yellow furry things."
"Furry? Those are some wierd chicks."
"Hmm...a cross between a chicken and a beaver."
-- Kevin and I
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather...not terrified like his screaming passengers.
-- Jack Handey
The following musings were spawned by one persons misspelling in the sentence, "...and had the longest series of ograsms in his life."
Do ogres have ograsms?
Does okra have okrasms?
Does Oprah have oprasms?
Do hors d'ouevres have hors d'asms?
Do Swedish tennis players have bjornborgasms?
Do race car drivers have four-on-the-floorgasms?
Does Jim Morrison have Doorgasms?
Does the Swedish Chef have bork-bork-borkasms?
Does the race of assimilating aliens have Borgasms?
Do people who snore get snorgasms?
Do keyboard players have Korg-asms?
Do golfers have foregasms?
Do Tolkein's monsters have orcasms?
Do prostitutes have whoregasms?
Do storytellers have loregasms?
Do army generals have wargasms?
Do Norse gods have Thorgasms?
Do miners have ore-gasms?
Do discordians have fnorgasms? Can other people tell?
Do candy bars have Skorgasms?
Does my professor have Boregasms?
Does Al have Goregasms?
Do epileptics have spasmgasms?
Do rowboaters have Oargasms?
Do you have yourgasms?
Do computer engineers have norgasms?
-- some probably very disturbed 'net personality.
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