Quotebook: Amusing Bits II
This next series of bits is from Josh, trying to get a message through to me on the UAA VAX...things were not going well. I laughed.
#09 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:14:48 (0/0)
From: dangerboy
Subject: fucknut...
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#10 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:15:30 (1/8)
From: dangerboy
dammit.
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#11 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:17:07 (4/222)
From: dangerboy
Subject: it's me against this fucking machine, i tell you
the return button on this terminal is sticky......BAD button to stick.
we'll see if i can get through an entire message....
about the incedent:
woody, if i could put my thoughts into words, they would sound very much
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#12 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:18:00 (0/0)
From: dangerboy
Subject: arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
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#13 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:18:19 (0/0)
From: dangerboy
Subject: ok.
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#14 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:18:44 (0/0)
From: dangerboy
Subject: only fucking monitor free and i have to get itgoddamitfuckitall
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#15 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:20:40 (0/0)
From: dangerboy
Subject: fuckFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCFGKkfgjaklf
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#16 ACAD3A::ASJRB - Mon 04 Oct 1993 - 16:36:52 (50/2438)
From: dangerboy
Subject: stupid fucing damn vax shit.
moved monitors.
but, i can't get into my acad2 acct due to an 'error'.
hm.
anyhow...
-- Josh Buessler, having problems with the UAA VAX system.
Even given the Heizenberg Uncertainty Principle, subatomic particles are more predictable than women. :)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
Did you hear about the federal judge in Anchorage who died laughing?
It was right after he told Theresa Obermeyer "You have the right to remain silent..."
-- Anonymous
Saturday, July 30, 1994 6:36:03 PM
From: Rtist
Subject: Jupiter gone?
To: Science
So, does anyone know how Jupiter is doing? Is it still under attack? Are there any new holes in it? How's it goin' up there?
Monday, August 1, 1994 4:32:49 AM
From: Woodstock
Subject: Re: Jupiter gone?
To: Science
It's gone. The force of all the chunks hitting it disrupted the rotation and magnetic fields enough that all the gases surrounding it have been sloughing away into space...some merging with the rings that used to surround Jupiter, some of the heavier material being caught in the gravitational fields of the moons, but most just drifting off through the solar system. Scientists predict that when the Earth starts moving through the fields, those of us lucky enough to live up here in Alaska should see some absolutely phenominal displays of the Northern Lights, as the foreign gases start to interact with those that normally produce the displays.
Meanwhile, there's been some excitement about a certain picture the Hubble took...something about a large black slab at the center of where Jupiter used to be, the edges appear to have a ratio to each other of 1x3x9...(grin)
In case you're wondering, yes, this is a load of crap. But it was fun to write. So there. Bleah. Let someone else tell you what's really going on, I'm shooting for a job at the Weekly World News...
(big grin)
Woodstock
-- a question, and my answer, on a local BBS
Earth: An M class planet in sector 001, home of the human race, and the president of the UFP. Mostly Harmless.
-- The entry for Earth in The Star Trek Encyclopedia
"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)"
"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'"
"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"
"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"
"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"
"Only one parameter per register please "
"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"
"This array has no size, and that's bad"
"Huh ?"
"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
"we already did this function"
"The target of this goto is a label in a block that has an automatic variable with an initializer"
"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"
"This function has an explicit return type and deserves a return value"
"You are comparing two structures that have holes in them"
"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"
"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer"
"Trailing comma not permitted in enum definition. (This time I'm letting you off with a warning)"
-- Some of the better error messages from Apple's MPW compiler, from a posting by Bruce Hoult on comp.sys.mac.programmer
In <33g32g$7ns@newswire.sp.trw.com> *.Sparky.* <sparky@babylon5.trw.sp.com> writes:
> In <CuyLur.1KLE@ief.itg.ti.com> , gutt@hp750.itg.ti.com writes:
> > You are entering a world not only of sight and sound
> > but of mind. A journey into a wonderous land, who's
> > boundaries are that of imagination. There's a sign post
> > up ahead. Your next stop, the Twilight Zone.
> No. That's the preamble to the Constitution.
No, you're both wrong. The Preamble to the Constitution is, "Let's stroll over to the Constitution."
-- found on the Internet...
Losing your faith is a lot like losing your virginity; you don't realize how irritating it was 'til it's gone.
-- aimee@crl.com
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
-- anrwlias@netcom.com
Her eyes were cold and harsh...
...which made them tough to chew.
-- Tom McCarty, as relayed by Brady.
5. Ground squirrels are not a road hazard, so don't treat them as such.
5a. Slow down gradually for ground squirrels or other small animals when appropriate.
5b. Do not focus on the squirrel. Look ahead to the road.
5c. Never swerve to avoid a squirrel. Maintain your normal position.
-- The Denali Park Resorts 1995 Visitor Transportation System and Tour Driver Manual for Denali Park, Alaska
LORD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
-- Unknown, was given to me at work.
at this point, i will tell you a bit about why i hate arenas:
the tacoma dome is slightly bigger than the sullivan arena. it has concrete floors, concrete walls and a dome ceiling made of a wooden geodesic framework, panelled with sheet rock. the stage was set up on one end of the arena, and on the opposing end they had set up a huge curtain. everything about the tacoma dome, and arenas in general, says "holy bad acoustics, batman." actually making the music clearly audible requires several banks of speakers the size of a small continent turned up to volumes that frequently induce epileptic fits. any sound that has not been reduced to 200dbs of white noise, comes out as echoes and sharp hi's like "s" and "t." bass is more or less obliterated by the concrete. furthermore, with a seating capacity of something like 10,000 or better, it's a safe bet that the majority of the seating is somewhere over in the scottish highlands. the general admission floor tickets sold out within two hours of the initial ticket release back in september. we were actually lucky enough to get as close as 100 feet to the stage or so. you couldn't really see all his facial features, but it was definitely trent reznor. it was just "little trent." someday, someone with some say so will realise that arena shows should be exclusively reserved for paula abduul, whom i hate, and whose music may actually be listenable through enough distortion. it was just a thought.
-- Josh Buesseler. Taken from a letter describing his experience at the nine inch nails/David Bowie concert.
I don't really consider it winter yet when you can still go 80 down any street in Anchorage.
-- A big, burly, biker-looking dude, overheard at Carrs grocery on a rare early November day in Anchorage with no snow yet.
- Use a new Reality with each and every sex act.
- Read instructions carefully before using Reality.
- The booklet explains how to use Reality.
- Don't tear Reality.
- Reality only works when you use it.
- Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
- Reality should not be noisy during sex.
- Reality may shift during sex.
- Keep Reality out of the reach of children.
-- From the instruction booklet for Reality, the female condom.
God is this a stupid question. I mean, this is rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. It is trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. It is stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. It is a blazing mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. It emits more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. This has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Unless this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while.
-- heritage@und5.umd.edu, in response to a not-too-brilliant Usenet post
Dear Mr __________,
Thank you for expressing for interest in alt.music.nin. We appreciate the time that you have taken to write to us. At this time, however, we are not in need of any dipshits. If the need arises for another dipshit, or perhaps a fucking moron, we feel that you are more than qualified and would like to assure you that you will be the first person we call. In the meantime, may we suggest that you contact rec.music.industrial? We understand that they have an opening for a clueless trolling idiot with his head up his ass. We feel that you might find yourself ideally suited to that particular position. Thank you again for your interest.
Sincerely,
The inhabitants of AMNIN.
-- wanderr@infi.net
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
All bountiful Creator! Dutifully enlightening friendly god! Helpfully intricate jaundiced kindly libationee! Majestically neat Oracle! Pleasantly quick revealer! Sturdy teller! Understanding voyager! Wonderful xylophonist! Yon Zotteer!
What would be the best selections of drinks for an alphabet drunk? I'd like to start with apricot schnapps, but what do you suggest for the rest of the drinks?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, after the apricot schnapps, any booze will do. Then, a cold one. After that, just drink. Ethanol might do you well at this point. You've still got full bottles? Start guzzling now. Then get into the hard liquor. Ingest whatever you can still handle. Just drink it. Maybe another Kahlua? Liquor! More liquor! Now for the real treat. Order another couple of rounds. Take a pull from your growing collection of bottles. Quaff it if it's close. Remove it from the bottles. Suck it down. Try something new. Urine trouble now. Vodka! If you can still recognize your fine wine, drink it. Exact every last drop. You're not sick yet? Zzzzz...
You oowe thee Orracle a mixxxed drink thaat uses alll thee lletters off thee allffabet.
-- From the Usenet Oracle
Pseudocoitoxenohematomysonecropyrobestio-acroclaustro-ochlohydrophobia: The fear of being forced to pretend to have sex with the unfamiliar bloody infected corpse of a flaming animal at 15,000 feet in a small crowded wading pool.
-- Royce Williams and Jana Herd, playing with phobias in their Abnormal Psych class.
Let's see, I've got faded black jeans, shiny black jacket, solid black shirt, semi-shiny/semi-scuffed black boots...dear lord, my blacks don't match! Hellfuck! Call in airforce 1, and get me to some trendy clothes store now!
-- Lucian X, on the subject of gothic color-coordination, or lack thereof.
Why are my floppy disks melted and unusable when I eject them?
You are probably putting them into a toaster. Don't worry, this is a common mistake. There is a class action suit in progress that requires toaster manufacturers to install a special chip to disable the heating element when magnetic media is inserted. Currently, only DOS disk formats are supported but it will be upgraded should any Mac user join the suit. An alternative plan to require toaster slots smaller than a disk appears to be stalled over concerns of possible damage to floppy drive mechanisms from the new, smaller bread slices.
-- In the README from a shareware program I was checking out...creebers, I don't even remember which. I'll try to correct this sometime in the near future...
Am I the only one who gets nervous when I finish filling out a form in Netscape and get to the final button that just says, "Submit"?
-- Brady Clark
Did you hear about the guru who told the dentist, "No novicaine please"?
That's right - he was trying to "transcend dental medication"!
-- hwebster@icis.on.ca
Tell me your name so I know what to scream out in my dreams tonight.
-- Suzanne Poliquin
Water? Never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
And how would you like your legs? (pause) Eggs?
-- Waitress at Village Inn (would "over easy" be the right answer here?)
Come try our espwesso and home ade pie.
-- Reader board outside Village Inn
Amy: "You know the problem with guys when they get drunk?"
Chad: "Yoink?" (Raising his little finger.)
Amy: "No...lack of yoink." (Dropping her little finger.)
Me: "Hello...I'm not drunk."
-- My friends and I one late night
This is not a phone, you are not calling, I am not here. (click)
-- Someone answering and hanging up their cell phone.
You know, I wouldn't really call Casey a dick...but the only reason he wears a tie is to keep the foreskin from snapping up over his face!
-- Me
Cosmic Rumpled Transparent Foreskins!
-- Me, combining two local band names (Cosmic Transparencies and Rumpleforeskin)
Wanna go to a baby shudder?
-- Chad Norris ("Shower. That's what I meant.")
I like things awkward. Keeps me guessing.
-- Chad Norris
Excuse me, but a small child with a hacksaw jammed up its ass just crawled under your table.
-- Overheard at Village Inn
Stomp on frogs and shove a crowbar up my butt!
-- Chad Norris
Technically, he's not drunk. He's driving.
-- Aimee
If you are receiving this e-mail it's because you are an adult internet user.
If you are no longer an adult internet user, hit reply and type remove, we apologize for the inconvenience.
-- From some Spam I was sent. My question - am I no longer using the internet (and therefore not able to read the e-mail), or am I regressing in age?
"Doesn't he clean up nicely?"
"No...he disinfects nicely."
-- Aimee, then Richard, regarding James
I keep forgetting how hard it is to drive while wearing fishnets!
-- Rick (he was wearing them on his hands)
Homemade halibut salmon hamburgers
-- A poorly laid out reader board
Damn, it's like somebody cut off a slice of the alternateen rump roast or something!
-- Sam at VI, commenting on a table of girls sitting across from us.
Man, most women use FDS to get rid of that smell. When the bitch uses Agent Orange, you know something's wrong!
-- Oscar
"When you don't like your child's friends."
"Simple - a wading pool filled with peanut butter, a giant catcher's net, and an AK-47."
-- Me, commenting on a Reader's Digest headline
"I want a body like that! And a life...and a brain...you think they're on sale at K-Mart?"
"Oh, god...if they were selling them, I would not get then at a K-Mart sale. You'd end up with the life of Courtney Love, the body of Nancy Reagan, and the brains of Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
-- Wednesday, then me
"Jesus is Lord"
"This is meaningless. You haven't defines what 'Jesus' or 'Lord' mean. I.E., 'Jesus is Lord' says that the object with the name 'Jesus' has the value 'Lord.' Neither term has any meaning without a definition. Besides, it's a quotation. Come up with an original idea."
-- Grafitti in the restroom at VI, and someone's added response.
"Can you name more than a dozen URLs by heart?"
Let's see -
1. Unusual Relaxation Locations (any shady building on Spenard)
2. Uriel Remebers Lilith (now that's an obscure reference...)
3. Unborn Rhesus Livers (eeew...I got ill dissecting a tapeworm)
4. Unfortunately, Rhett Limps (and drops Scarlett down the staircase)
5. Urban Relocation Lands (we ran out of reservation space)
6. Unlikely Rambo Lines ("Don't you guys ever read Tolstoy?")
7. Utah's Radical Luddites (electricity...what a concept!)
8. Untie Ricky, Lucy! (the scenes Desi wouldn't let get out)
9. Ukranian Reuseable Leeches (very popular in the Dark Ages)
10. Uncomfortable Rubber Lederhosen (trust me)
11. Uncle Ralph's Laundry (needs to be done more often)
12. Uniquely Rotund Lemmings (fool things just rolled right off that cliff)
-- Me replying to a question on AKMac, a local BBS
If you ever have a girlfriend that won't take off her rollerskates, run away!
-- Sam at VI
I did it! I looked temptation straight in the face - and got far too fucked up to do anything about it!
-- Reed Dyer
"What are you going to do without me?"
"Take a four hour long shower and masturbate."
-- Miranda, then me
If you threw Micro$oft into a room with the truth, you'd risk a matter/antimatter explosion.
-- Nicholas Petreley
Politics? Let's look at the root of the word here. 'Poly,' meaning many, and 'tick,' a bloodsucking insect! We don't need to get into politics.
-- Loren Haller
"You know my past history!"
"Yeah - it's kind of feast or famine."
"Except that the feasts aren't really feasts...more like McDonalds or famine. And don't tell any of my exes I just said that!"
"Well, we could tell one of them, you two aren't on good terms anyway."
"Yeah, but she's not really McDonalds...she'd be more Royal Fork. Everyone's eaten there!"
"Oh, McDonalds still works - billions served daily...."
-- Miranda and I discussing my relationship history
"Can we go now?"
"I'm not done with my coffee."
"You just got another whole pot!"
"That doesn't matter!"
"Can we...get a...to go box for that?"
-- Overheard late one night at VI
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate motherfucker.
-- found on the 'net
Terminally unfuckable.
-- description of James by Tricia
"Deja vu!"
"You said that last time."
-- Rick Reynolds
How the hell do you do that with your mouth wide open and without using your lips?
-- Steve asking David about whistling through his teeth
You know, I'd like to blame the high lesbian ratio of this state on him, but I don't think he's that lucky.
--Rick
That's kind of a scary thought. L. Ron Hubbard - a science fiction writer with a big ego - started Scientology. Maybe it was just a carpenter with a big ego that started another religion.
"I'm a great carpenter! I build the best houses! I'm so popular, I could start a religion and people would follow it!"
"Oh yeah? You're on."
"What do I get if I do it?"
"Mary Magdalene."
"Rock on, let's go...."
-- James
You're the only person I know who can put your foot in your mouth - with your head up your ass.
-- James
Microsoft's security strategy seems to be putting so many bugs in its software that hackers just get bored and wander off to find a real challenge....
When [Keanu] Reeves looks into the camera, his face is supposed to suggest a complicated mind assessing its mayhem options, but it looks more like a guy looking at a park and thinking, "Oh. Trees."
-- Chris Hewitt, reviewing "The Watcher"
...I'd never lived with cats before, and found the whole cat/human arrangement absolutely astonishing. It was like opening a homeless shelter and having the inhabitants come out every day to insult you.
-- Tad Williams, on his inspiration for Tailchaser's Song
Let's put it this way. If this had been a high school production, the entire auditorium would have been marched directly into the principle's office - where they all would have immediately demanded to be spanked.
-- The Anchorage Daily News, commenting on APU's film and live action production of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
Morphine isn't strong enough to counteract platypus poison!
-- Overheard at VI
"...and he was intelligent, too!"
"Oh, and you could tell this from the tight jeans and muscle shirt?"
"Um...well...yes!"
-- Miranda, fumbling while telling me about a nice piece of eye candy she noticed
You really need to find some better quality crack. The kind with real flavor crystals, not the kind with Drano.
-- Me
I dunno what's in that, but it looks way too biological for me to be drinking it.
-- Me, regarding a SoBe drink
Fanny packs and mullets. That's all we have around here - fanny packs and mullets.
-- response from a candyraver in Ft. Myers, Florida, when I asked if there were any clubs in the area worth going to.
Hey, you transsexual nazi lesbian hooker!
-- a chef at Denny's in Bloomington, Indiana, calling one of the servers
"Well, she's still pregnant."
"Of course she's still pregnant - she just couldn't deal with the fact that she was gaining weight and needed an excuse!"
-- Rick's smartass commentary on why a friend hadn't given birth yet.
"He's only got two brain cells to rub together."
"Well, he's got two brain cells all right, but one of 'em's giving the other CPR!
-- Rick and James talking about a coworker.
It's our job - we have to be nice to the unfuckables.
-- Adri, commenting on the hordes of people obsessing over whatever newest Dragonball Z video is on the shelves
If I were a lesbian, she would make me go straight.
-- Erika
This is so sad. They're just lamely trying to copy Steve Jobs' Apple presentation - right down to the guy having a black shirt and black pants.... It's almost like Windows ME 2. Or as Apple might call it, Windows Me Too.
-- anonymous Windows tester, while watching the webcast of the unveiling of the most recent Microsoft Windows XP beta
Wintel users often start when they're young and "experimenting," because it seems like a cheap and readily available high. Unfortunately, it's just the first hit that's free; before he knows it, your average Wintel user has spiralled into an insidious pattern of expensive aggravation, lost time, and severely declining fashion sense. Just say no, kids!
My purse looks so much like the garbage can I keep throwing trash in it!
-- Shelly Brewer
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