{"id":1623,"date":"2003-08-18T15:44:15","date_gmt":"2003-08-19T05:44:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2003\/08\/18\/warning-these-hurt\/"},"modified":"2019-12-05T14:03:30","modified_gmt":"2019-12-05T22:03:30","slug":"warning-these-hurt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2003\/08\/18\/warning-these-hurt\/","title":{"rendered":"Warning: These hurt!"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[{&quot;id&quot;:8021,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/www.geekmuffin.com&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;}]'><\/div>\n<p>Many thanks to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.geekmuffin.com\/\" title=\"geek*muffin\">Kirsten<\/a> for sending these my way. I got quite a few laughs out of this list, myself.<\/p>\n<p>And just remember&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;the beauty of the pun is in the &#8220;oy&#8230;&#8221; of the beholder.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n  Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.<\/p>\n<p>  A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, &#8220;I&#8217;ll serve you, but don&#8217;t start anything.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, &#8220;Sorry we don&#8217;t serve food in here.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.<\/p>\n<p>  A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, &#8220;A beer please, and one for the road.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn&#8217;t much but the reception was brilliant.<\/p>\n<p>  Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, &#8220;Does this taste funny to you?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  &#8220;Doc, I can&#8217;t stop singing &#8216;The green, green grass of home.'&#8221; &#8220;That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.&#8221; &#8220;Is it common?&#8221; &#8220;It&#8217;s not unusual.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, &#8220;I was artificially inseminated this morning.&#8221; &#8220;I don&#8217;t believe you,&#8221; said Dolly. &#8220;It&#8217;s true, no bull!&#8221; exclaimed Daisy.<\/p>\n<p>  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, &#8220;Well, I can clearly see you&#8217;re nuts.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, &#8220;I&#8217;ve lost my electron.&#8221; The other says, &#8220;Are you sure?&#8221; The first replies, &#8220;Yes, I&#8217;m positive&#8230;&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, &#8220;My dog&#8217;s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?&#8221; &#8220;Well,&#8221; says the vet, &#8220;let&#8217;s have a look at him.&#8221; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says &#8220;I&#8217;m going to have to put him down.&#8221; &#8220;What?, Because he&#8217;s cross-eyed?&#8221; &#8220;No, because he&#8217;s really heavy.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It&#8217;s either my mum or my dad&#8230;or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I&#8217;m pretty sure it&#8217;s Colin.<\/p>\n<p>  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn&#8217;t find any.<\/p>\n<p>  I went to the butcher&#8217;s the other day and I wanted to bet him 50 dollars he couldn&#8217;t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, &#8220;No, the steaks are too high.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>  A man came &#8217;round in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, &#8220;Doctor, doctor, I can&#8217;t feel my legs!&#8221; The doctor replied,&#8221;I know you can&#8217;t, I&#8217;ve cut your arms off&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>  I went to a seafood disco rave last week&#8230;and pulled a mussel.<\/p>\n<p>  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can&#8217;t have your kayak and heat it too.<\/p>\n<p>  A man walks into doctor&#8217;s office. &#8220;What seems to be the problem?&#8221; asks the doc. &#8220;It&#8217;s&#8230;um&#8230;well&#8230;I have five penises.&#8221; replies the man. &#8220;Blimey!&#8221; says the doctor, &#8220;How do your trousers fit?&#8221; &#8220;Like a glove.&#8221;\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Just remember&hellip;the beauty of the pun is in the &#8216;oy&hellip;&#8217; of the beholder.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2043],"tags":[6],"class_list":["post-1623","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1623","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1623"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1623\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1623"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1623"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1623"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}