{"id":213,"date":"2001-09-13T14:27:20","date_gmt":"2001-09-13T22:27:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/?p=213"},"modified":"2019-11-25T14:50:35","modified_gmt":"2019-11-25T22:50:35","slug":"hollywood-squares-funnies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2001\/09\/13\/hollywood-squares-funnies\/","title":{"rendered":"Hollywood Squares funnies"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[]'><\/div>\n<p>I found this earlier today. After days of tragedy, horror, and worry, it&#8217;s nice to find something that actually got me laughing. Enjoy.<\/p>\n<p>From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Yes, but he still won&#8217;t go up to your apartment.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he&#8217;s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he&#8217;s married?<br \/>\n  <strong>Rose Marie:<\/strong> No, wait until morning.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> My sense of decency.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say &#8220;I love you&#8221;?<br \/>\n  <strong>Vincent Price:<\/strong> No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> I don&#8217;t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> What are &#8216;Do It&#8217;, &#8216;I Can Help&#8217; and &#8216;Can&#8217;t Get Enough&#8217;?<br \/>\n  <strong>George Gobel:<\/strong> I don&#8217;t know, but it&#8217;s coming from the next apartment.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?<br \/>\n  <strong>Rose Marie:<\/strong> You ask me one more growing older question, Peter&#8230;and I&#8217;ll give you a gesture you&#8217;ll never forget!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?<br \/>\n  <strong>Redd Foxx:<\/strong> I wouldn&#8217;t have it any other way.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> What are &#8220;dual purpose&#8221; cattle good for that other cattle aren&#8217;t?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> They give milk and cookies&hellip;but I don&#8217;t recommend the cookies!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?<br \/>\n  <strong>George Goebel:<\/strong> I&#8217;d probably crawl around him I guess.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Paul, why do Hell&#8217;s Angels wear leather?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Charley, you&#8217;ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> Of course not, Peter. I&#8217;m too busy growing strawberries!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> In bowling, what&#8217;s a perfect score?<br \/>\n  <strong>Rose Marie:<\/strong> Ralph, the pin boy.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband&#8217;s clothing. What item?<br \/>\n  <strong>Ed Asner:<\/strong> Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Tape measures.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> True or false&#8230;a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.<br \/>\n  <strong>George Gobel:<\/strong> Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?<br \/>\n  <strong>Rose Marie:<\/strong> Unfortunately, Peter, I&#8217;m always safe in the bedroom.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Can boys join the camp fire girls?<br \/>\n  <strong>Marty Allen:<\/strong> Only after lights out.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Make him bark.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> True or false, George&#8230;experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.<br \/>\n  <strong>George Gobel:<\/strong> Yes, and I think I voted for six of &#8217;em.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> It got me out of the army!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Why, that bitch!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting &#8220;Poo! Poo! Poo!&#8221; What does that mean?<br \/>\n  <strong>George Goebel:<\/strong> Cattle crossing.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> It is the most abused and neglected part of your body &#8212; what is it?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Mine may be abused but it certainly isn&#8217;t neglected!<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong>Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> A divorcee.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?<br \/>\n  <strong>George Gobel:<\/strong> Get it in his mouth.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> He&#8217;s out of town.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie &#8216;What&#8217;s the Matter With Helen?&#8217; Who plays Helen?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> Dennis Weaver &#8212; that&#8217;s why they asked the question.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> Who told you about my elephant?<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> I&#8217;ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was &#8220;one of the best things I ever did.&#8221; What was it?<br \/>\n  <strong>Marty Allen:<\/strong> Rhonda Fleming.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong> His feet.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> If you&#8217;re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?<br \/>\n  <strong>Charley Weaver:<\/strong>Three days of steady drinking should do it.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> Do female frogs croak?<br \/>\n  <strong>Paul Lynde:<\/strong> If you hold their little heads under water.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong> You&#8217;ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?<br \/>\n  <strong>Don Knotts:<\/strong> That&#8217;s what&#8217;s been keeping me awake.<\/p>\n<p>  <strong>Peter Marshall:<\/strong>  Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?<br \/>\n  <strong>Joan Rivers:<\/strong> Yes. It&#8217;s daddy&#8217;s turn.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body &#8212; what is it? Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn&#8217;t neglected!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2043],"tags":[2051,6],"class_list":["post-213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-hollywood-squares","tag-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=213"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=213"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=213"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=213"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}