{"id":3536,"date":"2005-10-14T15:22:55","date_gmt":"2005-10-14T22:22:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2005\/10\/14\/gods-total-quality-management-questionairre\/"},"modified":"2019-12-18T16:38:01","modified_gmt":"2019-12-19T00:38:01","slug":"gods-total-quality-management-questionairre","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2005\/10\/14\/gods-total-quality-management-questionairre\/","title":{"rendered":"God&#8217;s Total Quality Management Questionairre"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[{&quot;id&quot;:7553,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/www.hanscomfamily.com\\\/2005\\\/10\\\/14\\\/gods_total_qual.html&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;https:\\\/\\\/www.hanscomfamily.com\\\/2005\\\/10\\\/14\\\/gods_total_qual.html&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;}]'><\/div>\n<p>God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.<\/p>\n<p>Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n   How did you find out about God?<\/p>\n<p>    Newspaper<br \/>\n    Television<br \/>\n    Word of mouth<br \/>\n    Tabloid<br \/>\n    Bible<br \/>\n    Torah<br \/>\n    Koran<br \/>\n    Other Book<br \/>\n    Divine Inspiration<br \/>\n    Near Death Experience<br \/>\n    Burning Shrubbery<br \/>\n    Other (specify):\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Which model God did you acquire?<\/p>\n<p>    YHWH<br \/>\n    Jehovah<br \/>\n    Allah<br \/>\n    God<br \/>\n    G-d<br \/>\n    Father, Son &amp; Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!)<br \/>\n    Jesus<br \/>\n    Ahura Mazda\/Ahriman (opposed pair)<br \/>\n    Brahman<br \/>\n    None of the above, I was taken in by a false god.\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?<\/p>\n<p>    Yes<br \/>\n    No<\/p>\n<p>   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:<br \/>\n   <textarea name=\"damage_info\" rows=\"5\" cols=\"50\"><\/textarea>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god (please check all that apply)?<\/p>\n<p>    Indoctrinated by parents<br \/>\n    Indoctrinated by society<br \/>\n    Imaginary friend grew up<br \/>\n    Wanted to meet girls\/boys<br \/>\n    Wanted to piss off parents<br \/>\n    Desperate need for certainty<br \/> <br \/>\n    Need to feel Morally Superior<br \/>\n    Needed a reason to live<br \/>\n    Needed focus in who to despise<br \/>\n    Hate to think for myself<br \/>\n    Fear of death<br \/>\n    Needed a day away from work<br \/>\n    Like Organ Music<br \/>\n    My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.<\/p>\n<p>    Odin<br \/>\n    Zeus<br \/>\n    Apollo<br \/>\n    Ra<br \/>\n    The Great Spirit<br \/>\n    Satan<br \/>\n    The Sun<br \/>\n    The Moon<br \/>\n    The Bomb<br \/> <br \/>\n    Cthulhu<br \/>\n    The Almighty Dollar<br \/>\n    The Invisible Hand<br \/>\n    Barney T.B.P.D.<br \/>\n    The Great Pumpkin<br \/>\n    Bill Clinton<br \/>\n    Hillary Clinton<br \/>\n    A burning cabbage<br \/>\n    Other:\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.<\/p>\n<p>    Tarot<br \/>\n    Astrology<br \/>\n    Fortune cookies<br \/>\n    Psychic Friends Network<br \/> <br \/>\n    Palmistry<br \/>\n    Self-help books<br \/>\n    Biorythms<br \/>\n    Tea Leaves<br \/>\n    Mantras<br \/>\n    Crystals<br \/>\n    Pyramids<br \/>\n    Insurance policies<br \/>\n    Barney T.B.P.D.<br \/>\n    Barney Fife<br \/>\n    Lottery<br \/>\n    Television<br \/>\n    Ann Landers<br \/>\n    Dianetics<br \/>\n    Playboy and\/or Playgirl<br \/>\n    Sex, Drugs and Rock &#8216;n&#8217; Roll<br \/>\n    George W. Bush<br \/>\n    EST<br \/>\n    Jimmy Swaggart<br \/>\n    Human Sacrifice<br \/>\n    Wandering around a desert<br \/>\n    Burning Shrubbery<br \/>\n    Other: <br \/>\n    None\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?<\/p>\n<p>    More Divine Intervention<br \/>\n    Less Divine Intervention<br \/>\n    Current level of Divine Intervention is just right<br \/>\n    Don&#8217;t know&#8230;what&#8217;s Divine Intervention?\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 &#8211; 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n      Disasters<\/p>\n<p>       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Global Warming<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Flood<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Famine<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Earthquake<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; War<br \/>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Pestilence<br \/>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Plague<br \/>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; SPAM<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; AOL<br \/>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Microsoft<br \/>\n     1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Terrorism\n   <\/li>\n<li>\n      Miracles<\/p>\n<p>       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Rescues<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Spontaneous remissions<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Stars hovering over towns<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Crying statues<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Water changing to wine<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Walking on water (other than the Hudson)<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Talking flaming shrubbery<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; VCRs that set their own clocks<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Saddam Hussein still alive<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Cubs winning the Series<br \/>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Term limits on the Presidency\n   <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God&#8217;s services?<\/p>\n<p>   <textarea name=\"othercomments\" rows=\"5\" cols=\"50\"><\/textarea>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>(via <a href=\"http:\/\/www.hanscomfamily.com\/2005\/10\/14\/gods_total_qual.html\" title=\"The Hanscom Family Weblog: God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire\">Dad<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2043],"tags":[6,103],"class_list":["post-3536","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-humor","tag-religion"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3536","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3536"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3536\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3536"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3536"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3536"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}