{"id":3536,"date":"2005-10-14T15:22:55","date_gmt":"2005-10-14T22:22:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2005\/10\/14\/gods-total-quality-management-questionairre\/"},"modified":"2019-12-18T16:38:01","modified_gmt":"2019-12-19T00:38:01","slug":"gods-total-quality-management-questionairre","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2005\/10\/14\/gods-total-quality-management-questionairre\/","title":{"rendered":"God&#8217;s Total Quality Management Questionairre"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.<\/p>\n<p>Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n   How did you find out about God?<\/p>\n<p>    Newspaper<br>\n    Television<br>\n    Word of mouth<br>\n    Tabloid<br>\n    Bible<br>\n    Torah<br>\n    Koran<br>\n    Other Book<br>\n    Divine Inspiration<br>\n    Near Death Experience<br>\n    Burning Shrubbery<br>\n    Other (specify):\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Which model God did you acquire?<\/p>\n<p>    YHWH<br>\n    Jehovah<br>\n    Allah<br>\n    God<br>\n    G-d<br>\n    Father, Son &amp; Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!)<br>\n    Jesus<br>\n    Ahura Mazda\/Ahriman (opposed pair)<br>\n    Brahman<br>\n    None of the above, I was taken in by a false god.\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?<\/p>\n<p>    Yes<br>\n    No<\/p>\n<p>   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:<br>\n   <textarea name=\"damage_info\" rows=\"5\" cols=\"50\"><\/textarea>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god (please check all that apply)?<\/p>\n<p>    Indoctrinated by parents<br>\n    Indoctrinated by society<br>\n    Imaginary friend grew up<br>\n    Wanted to meet girls\/boys<br>\n    Wanted to piss off parents<br>\n    Desperate need for certainty<br> <br>\n    Need to feel Morally Superior<br>\n    Needed a reason to live<br>\n    Needed focus in who to despise<br>\n    Hate to think for myself<br>\n    Fear of death<br>\n    Needed a day away from work<br>\n    Like Organ Music<br>\n    My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.<\/p>\n<p>    Odin<br>\n    Zeus<br>\n    Apollo<br>\n    Ra<br>\n    The Great Spirit<br>\n    Satan<br>\n    The Sun<br>\n    The Moon<br>\n    The Bomb<br> <br>\n    Cthulhu<br>\n    The Almighty Dollar<br>\n    The Invisible Hand<br>\n    Barney T.B.P.D.<br>\n    The Great Pumpkin<br>\n    Bill Clinton<br>\n    Hillary Clinton<br>\n    A burning cabbage<br>\n    Other:\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.<\/p>\n<p>    Tarot<br>\n    Astrology<br>\n    Fortune cookies<br>\n    Psychic Friends Network<br> <br>\n    Palmistry<br>\n    Self-help books<br>\n    Biorythms<br>\n    Tea Leaves<br>\n    Mantras<br>\n    Crystals<br>\n    Pyramids<br>\n    Insurance policies<br>\n    Barney T.B.P.D.<br>\n    Barney Fife<br>\n    Lottery<br>\n    Television<br>\n    Ann Landers<br>\n    Dianetics<br>\n    Playboy and\/or Playgirl<br>\n    Sex, Drugs and Rock &#8216;n&#8217; Roll<br>\n    George W. Bush<br>\n    EST<br>\n    Jimmy Swaggart<br>\n    Human Sacrifice<br>\n    Wandering around a desert<br>\n    Burning Shrubbery<br>\n    Other: <br>\n    None\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?<\/p>\n<p>    More Divine Intervention<br>\n    Less Divine Intervention<br>\n    Current level of Divine Intervention is just right<br>\n    Don&#8217;t know&#8230;what&#8217;s Divine Intervention?\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 &#8211; 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n      Disasters<\/p>\n<p>       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Global Warming<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Flood<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Famine<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Earthquake<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; War<br>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Pestilence<br>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Plague<br>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; SPAM<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; AOL<br>\n      1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Microsoft<br>\n     1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Terrorism\n   <\/li>\n<li>\n      Miracles<\/p>\n<p>       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Rescues<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Spontaneous remissions<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Stars hovering over towns<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Crying statues<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Water changing to wine<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Walking on water (other than the Hudson)<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Talking flaming shrubbery<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; VCRs that set their own clocks<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Saddam Hussein still alive<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Cubs winning the Series<br>\n       1  2  3  4  5 &#8212; Term limits on the Presidency\n   <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n   Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God&#8217;s services?<\/p>\n<p>   <textarea name=\"othercomments\" rows=\"5\" cols=\"50\"><\/textarea>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>(via <a href=\"http:\/\/www.hanscomfamily.com\/2005\/10\/14\/gods_total_qual.html\" title=\"The Hanscom Family Weblog: God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire\">Dad<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2043],"tags":[6,103],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3536"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3536"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3536\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3536"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3536"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3536"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}