{"id":3739,"date":"2006-03-23T13:57:15","date_gmt":"2006-03-23T21:57:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2006\/03\/23\/monty-pythons-lord-of-the-rings\/"},"modified":"2019-12-20T09:23:41","modified_gmt":"2019-12-20T17:23:41","slug":"monty-pythons-lord-of-the-rings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2006\/03\/23\/monty-pythons-lord-of-the-rings\/","title":{"rendered":"Monty Python&#8217;s Lord of the Rings"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[{&quot;id&quot;:6753,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/www.interalia.org&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;https:\\\/\\\/web-wp.archive.org\\\/web\\\/20251009035228\\\/http:\\\/\\\/interalia.org\\\/&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-03-09 09:15:58&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404},{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-03-24 17:25:01&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404},{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-03-28 22:39:59&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404},{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-04-01 08:28:02&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404}],&quot;broken&quot;:true,&quot;last_checked&quot;:{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-04-01 08:28:02&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404},&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;},{&quot;id&quot;:6754,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/cgi.cs.indiana.edu\\\/%7Eoracle\\\/index.cgi&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;https:\\\/\\\/web-wp.archive.org\\\/web\\\/20140430053145\\\/http:\\\/\\\/cgi.cs.indiana.edu:80\\\/~oracle\\\/index.cgi&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-03-09 09:16:00&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404}],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:{&quot;date&quot;:&quot;2026-03-09 09:16:00&quot;,&quot;http_code&quot;:404},&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;},{&quot;id&quot;:6755,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/cgi.cs.indiana.edu\\\/%7Eoracle\\\/bestof.cgi?N=1351-1375&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;},{&quot;id&quot;:6221,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/click.linksynergy.com\\\/fs-bin\\\/click?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;offerid=78941.10000170&amp;type=4&amp;subid=0&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;}]'><\/div>\n<p>One of my favorite old pre-web &#8216;net institutions was the Internet Oracle. You&#8217;d send a message off to the Oracle, and the Oracle would answer your question. In return, you&#8217;d have to answer a later question someone else had sent to the Oracle, thus becoming the Oracle yourself. Not very surprisingly, in-jokes, puns, and general absurdity are highly prized when crafting Oracle answers.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;d more or less forgotten about the Oracle until <a href=\"http:\/\/www.interalia.org\/\" title=\"Yet Another Weblog\">Phil<\/a> dropped a link to the <a href=\"http:\/\/cgi.cs.indiana.edu\/%7Eoracle\/index.cgi\" title=\"Internet Oracle\">Internet Oracle website<\/a> into my del.icio.us inbox today.<\/p>\n<p>Immediately, I went to the <a href=\"http:\/\/cgi.cs.indiana.edu\/%7Eoracle\/bestof.cgi?N=1351-1375\" title=\"Best of Internet Oracularities #1351-1375\">most recent &#8220;best of the Oracle&#8221; digest<\/a> (I used to have a whole collection of their &#8220;best of&#8221; digests), and found this gem:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n  The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n    Oh Oracle most amazing wonderful, I grovel before your sheer brilliance<br \/>\n    and wit, whose puns not even Noel Coward on his best day could have<br \/>\n    matched,<\/p>\n<p>    What is a good question to ask you?\n  <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>  And in response, thus spake the Oracle:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\n    You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about<br \/>\n    Monty Python&#8217;s Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they<br \/>\n    <em>hadn&#8217;t<\/em> asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so<br \/>\n    nicely, here it is.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>    Aragorn: I am the rightful King of Gondor!<br \/>\n    Woman: Well, I didn&#8217;t vote for you.<br \/>\n    A: You don&#8217;t vote for kings.<br \/>\n    W: How&#8217;d you get to be king then?<br \/>\n    A: I am the descendant through sixty generations, father to son, of<br \/>\n       Elendil of Numenor. Here is Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, and<br \/>\n       is now reforged!<br \/>\n    Dennis: Inheriting a three-thousand-year-old bit of tin from your<br \/>\n       great-grandad is no basis for a system of government.<br \/>\n    A: Be quiet!<br \/>\n    D: I mean, if I went round saying I was Lord of Moria because I owned a<br \/>\n       rusty hatchet, they&#8217;d lock me up!<br \/>\n    A: Shut up!<br \/>\n    D: Ah! See the violence inherent in the system! Help! I&#8217;m being<br \/>\n       repressed!<br \/>\n    A: Bloody peasant!<\/p>\n<p>    How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away<\/p>\n<p>    Number One: The Larch.<\/p>\n<p>    Gimli: Is Ori here?<br \/>\n    Orc: No.<br \/>\n    G: Is Fror?<br \/>\n    O: No.<br \/>\n    G: Nali?<br \/>\n    O: Dead.<br \/>\n    G: Loni?<br \/>\n    O: Gone.<br \/>\n    G: Floi?<br \/>\n    O: No.<br \/>\n    G: Are there in fact any dwarves left in Moria at all?<br \/>\n    O: No. I was deliberately wasting your time.<br \/>\n    G: I see. In that case I&#8217;m afraid I&#8217;m going to have to cut your head<br \/>\n       off.<br \/>\n    O: Fair enough.<\/p>\n<p>    Number One: The Larch.<\/p>\n<p>    Aragorn: Now stand aside!<br \/>\n    Lurtz: That&#8217;s just a scratch.<br \/>\n    A: I cut your arm off!<br \/>\n    L: No you didn&#8217;t!<br \/>\n    A: What&#8217;s that, then?<br \/>\n    L: Just a flesh wound.<br \/>\n    A: Fine. [chops Lurtz&#8217;s other arm off] Victory is mine!<br \/>\n    L: Come on! Have at you!<br \/>\n    A: You&#8217;ve got no arms, you stupid orc!<br \/>\n    L: Yes, I have!<br \/>\n    A: Look!<br \/>\n    L: I&#8217;ve had worse.<br \/>\n    A: I don&#8217;t have time for this. [cuts Lurtz&#8217;s head off]<br \/>\n    L: Oh? Call it a draw.<\/p>\n<p>    Number One: The Larch.<\/p>\n<p>    Gandalf: How long is it since Saruman bought you?<br \/>\n    Wormtongue: Gee, I didn&#8217;t expect a kind of Orcish Inquisition.<br \/>\n    [The doors of the hall burst open, and three Uruk-Hai enter.]<br \/>\n    Ugluk: NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is<br \/>\n       surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main<br \/>\n       weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman.<br \/>\n       THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms&#8230; I&#8217;ll come<br \/>\n       in again.<\/p>\n<p>    Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine.<\/p>\n<p>    Bridge keeper:  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me<br \/>\n         these questions three, ere the other side he see.<br \/>\n    Frodo: Ask me the questions. I am not afraid.<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your name?<br \/>\n    FB:  Frodo Baggins.<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your quest?<br \/>\n    FB:  To destroy the One Ring!<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your favourite colour?<br \/>\n    FB:  Blue!<br \/>\n    BK:  Right. Off you go.<br \/>\n    Sam: That&#8217;s easy!<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your name?<br \/>\n    SG:  Samwise Gamgee.<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your quest?<br \/>\n    SG:  To destroy the One Ring.<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is the capital of Assyria?<br \/>\n    SG:  [pause] A!<br \/>\n    BK:  Smart-arse. Go along, then.<br \/>\n    Gollum: Ask us!<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your name?<br \/>\n    G:   We&#8217;s Smeagol!<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; is your quest?<br \/>\n    G:   To get the Precious!<br \/>\n    BK:  What&#8230; have I got in my pocket?<br \/>\n    G:   [pause] We don&#8217;t know that! Aiieeee!<\/p>\n<p>    You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan&#8217;s army banging coconut halves<br \/>\n    together.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>    Dear Sir,<br \/>\n    I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer.<br \/>\n    It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice<br \/>\n    words added. Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk.<\/p>\n<p>    Dear Sir,<br \/>\n    I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a<br \/>\n    LUMBERJACK!<\/p>\n<p>    Colonel: Stop that! It&#8217;s silly!\n  <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/click.linksynergy.com\/fs-bin\/click?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;offerid=78941.10000170&amp;type=4&amp;subid=0\" title=\"Get iTunes\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" alt=\"iTunes\" border=\"0\" width=\"61\" height=\"15\" src=\"http:\/\/images.apple.com\/itunesaffiliates\/logos\/iTunes_sm_bdg61x15.png\" \/><\/a><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" border=\"0\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\" src=\"http:\/\/ad.linksynergy.com\/fs-bin\/show?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;bids=78941.10000170&amp;type=4&amp;subid=0\" alt=\"\" \/> &#8220;<a href=\"http:\/\/click.linksynergy.com\/fs-bin\/stat?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;offerid=78941&amp;type=3&amp;subid=0&amp;tmpid=1826&amp;RD_PARM1=itms%253A%252F%252Fphobos.apple.com%252FWebObjects%252FMZSearch.woa%252Fwa%252Fcom.apple.jingle.search.DirectAction%252FadvancedSearchResults%253FartistTerm%253DMy Life With the Thrill Kill Kult%2526songTerm=Dream Baby (Nocturnal)%26partnerId%3D30\" title=\"Search for 'Dream Baby (Nocturnal)' on the iTMS\">Dream Baby (Nocturnal)<\/a>&#8221; by <a href=\"http:\/\/click.linksynergy.com\/fs-bin\/stat?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;offerid=78941&amp;type=3&amp;subid=0&amp;tmpid=1826&amp;RD_PARM1=itms%253A%252F%252Fphobos.apple.com%252FWebObjects%252FMZSearch.woa%252Fwa%252Fcom.apple.jingle.search.DirectAction%252FadvancedSearchResults%253FartistTerm%253DMy Life With the Thrill Kill Kult%26partnerId%3D30\" title=\"Search for 'My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult' on the iTMS\">My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult<\/a> from the album <em><a href=\"http:\/\/click.linksynergy.com\/fs-bin\/stat?id=xLsJkztrnNY&amp;offerid=78941&amp;type=3&amp;subid=0&amp;tmpid=1826&amp;RD_PARM1=itms%253A%252F%252Fphobos.apple.com%252FWebObjects%252FMZSearch.woa%252Fwa%252Fcom.apple.jingle.search.DirectAction%252FadvancedSearchResults%253FartistTerm%253DMy Life With the Thrill Kill Kult%2526albumTerm=Sexplosion!%26partnerId%3D30\" title=\"Search for 'Sexplosion!' on the iTMS\">Sexplosion!<\/a><\/em> (1992, 7:05).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman. THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms&#8230; I&#8217;ll come in again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2037],"tags":[6,2241,1853],"class_list":["post-3739","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tv-and-films","tag-humor","tag-monty-python","tag-the-lord-of-the-rings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3739","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3739"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3739\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3739"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3739"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3739"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}