{"id":4209,"date":"2008-05-20T17:25:21","date_gmt":"2008-05-21T00:25:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2008\/05\/20\/silliness-medical-notes\/"},"modified":"2019-12-23T09:31:03","modified_gmt":"2019-12-23T17:31:03","slug":"silliness-medical-notes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2008\/05\/20\/silliness-medical-notes\/","title":{"rendered":"Silliness: Medical Notes"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[{&quot;id&quot;:5538,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/www.snopes.com\\\/humor\\\/lists\\\/doctors.asp&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;https:\\\/\\\/www.snopes.com\\\/humor\\\/lists\\\/doctors.asp&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;}]'><\/div>\n<p>An e-mail from Mom. Normally I don&#8217;t pass these kinds of things on (via e-mail or the web), especially when they&#8217;re <a href=\"http:\/\/www.snopes.com\/humor\/lists\/doctors.asp\" title=\"Snopes.com: Chart Toppers\">already posted on Snopes<\/a> (this one is listed as &#8216;Undetermined&#8217;), but this one had both Prairie and I in stitches (no pun intended) as we read through it. Lots of good arguments for the importance of clarity in writing in here!<\/p>\n<p><strong>A selection of choice writings taken from medical (and nursing!) notes!<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.<\/li>\n<li>Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.<\/li>\n<li>On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.<\/li>\n<li>She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.<\/li>\n<li>The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.<\/li>\n<li>I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.<\/li>\n<li>Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.<\/li>\n<li>I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.<\/li>\n<li>The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.<\/li>\n<li>Discharge status: Alive but without permission.<\/li>\n<li>The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.<\/li>\n<li>Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.<\/li>\n<li>The patient refused an autopsy.<\/li>\n<li>The patient has no past history of suicides.<\/li>\n<li>The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.<\/li>\n<li>Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.<\/li>\n<li>Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.<\/li>\n<li>The patient&#8217;s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.<\/li>\n<li>She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.<\/li>\n<li>The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.<\/li>\n<li>The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.<\/li>\n<li>The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth<\/li>\n<li>Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)<\/li>\n<li>Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia<\/li>\n<li>Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.<\/li>\n<li>Patient arrived by avalanche<\/li>\n<li>Odor of alcohol on breast<\/li>\n<li>Patient stable all morning, in asystole<\/li>\n<li>Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver<\/li>\n<li>The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.<\/li>\n<li>The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.<\/li>\n<li>Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.<\/li>\n<li>The skin was moist and dry.<\/li>\n<li>Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.<\/li>\n<li>The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.<\/li>\n<li>She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.<\/li>\n<li>Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.<\/li>\n<li>The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.<\/li>\n<li>I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.<\/li>\n<li>The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.<\/li>\n<li>Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.<\/li>\n<li>Patient was alert and unresponsive.<\/li>\n<li>When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.<\/li>\n<li>The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.<\/li>\n<li>Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.<\/li>\n<li>Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.<\/li>\n<li>She is numb from her toes down.<\/li>\n<li>Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.<\/li>\n<li>While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.<\/li>\n<li>The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.<\/li>\n<li>The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.<\/li>\n<li>Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>An e-mail from Mom. Normally I don&#8217;t pass these kinds of things on (via e-mail or the web), especially when they&#8217;re already posted on Snopes (this one is listed as &#8216;Undetermined&#8217;), but this one had both Prairie and I in stitches (no pun intended) as we read through it. Lots of good arguments for the importance of clarity in writing in here!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2043],"tags":[6],"class_list":["post-4209","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4209","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4209"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4209\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4209"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4209"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4209"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}