{"id":550,"date":"2002-05-21T02:26:48","date_gmt":"2002-05-21T10:26:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2002\/05\/21\/why-i-dont-give-my-phone-number-to-people-who-fry-anymore\/"},"modified":"2019-11-27T08:43:14","modified_gmt":"2019-11-27T16:43:14","slug":"why-i-dont-give-my-phone-number-to-people-who-fry-anymore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/2002\/05\/21\/why-i-dont-give-my-phone-number-to-people-who-fry-anymore\/","title":{"rendered":"Why I don&#8217;t give my phone number to people who fry anymore."},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='__iawmlf-post-loop-links' style='display:none;' data-iawmlf-post-links='[]'><\/div>\n<p>3:45 am:<\/p>\n<p>RIIIING&#8230;RIIIING&#8230;RIIING&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Hello?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I just saw Gurbymurble!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You saw who? Who the hell is this?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;James! I saw Gurbymurble!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Who the hell is Gurbymurble?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;That Russian dude!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You mean Gorbachov?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Yeah, that dude!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You&#8217;re calling me at 3:45 in the morning to say you saw Gorbachov on TV?!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;No man, not on TV! I saw the dude at the 7-11!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;What the hell would Gorbachov be doin&#8217; at the Darkville 7-11?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;He was buyin&#8217; a pack of smokes!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be the 7-11 buying a pack of smokes at 3:45 in the morning is beause you dropped five hits of acid at midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin&#8217; to hold up the store again. What, praytell, did this Mr. Gorbachov look like?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Uh, he was a tall black dude holding a .45.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;And when was the last time you saw Gorbachov holding a .45?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Tonight at the 7-11!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Uh-huh&#8230;.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Hey dude! It&#8217;s almost 4! What are you doin&#8217; up?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m talking to a moron.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Aw fuck him! Listen, you won&#8217;t believe what I saw!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You saw a black Mikhail Gorbachov holding up the 7-11&#8230;.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;DUDE! Did I tell you about that?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Yes. Yes you did, thank you.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I saw a 400 pound spider eat a cop!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Oh? And where did this little atrocity happen? Not at the 7-11 by any chance?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;No, man, on channel 31! It&#8217;s a movie called &#8216;A Big Ol&#8217; Fuckin&#8217; Spider Eats a Cop.'&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;More like &#8216;5 Hits of Acid Eats a Loadie&#8217;s Brain.'&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I haven&#8217;t had 5 hits of acid!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;My sincerest apologies&#8230;.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I&#8217;ve had 6!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Hang up the phone or I&#8217;m giving the Jehovah&#8217;s Witnesses your address.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Who do you think I got the 6 hits from?!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>SLAM!!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be the 7-11 buying a pack of smokes at 3:45 in the morning is beause you dropped five hits of acid at midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin&#8217; to hold up the store again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2043],"tags":[6],"class_list":["post-550","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/550","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=550"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/550\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=550"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=550"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelhans.com\/eclecticism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=550"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}