Woody's Quotebook II

Abel waxed fat and rich breeding sheep for the slaughter while Cain tilled. Cain made an offering to the lord. Abel followed suit with his quaking fat calves. Who'd have gruel rather than a T-bone? And soon Abel had vast herds and air-conditioned slaughterhouses, and meat storehouses and meat package plants, and there was a blight on Cain's crop. And that was called sin.... Cain stood and looked at the blight on his crop. And his spade was useless against it in his hand. And it came to pass that Abel was trespassing there where Cain would carry his spade, which is where land is to be tilled and not where sheep pasture. And Abel saw his elder brother and he was thin and with a starved look and held the spade to no purpose in his hand. And Abel approached his brother, saying: "Why don't you give up and come to work for me? I could use a good man in the slaughterhouse." And Cain slew him.

-- From a CD by "The Mark of Cain," a German alternative band

Voulez-vous...avec che...mo moi?

-- a (slightly) tanked Adam Chose

"Ooh aah..."
"...Let's eat!"

-- Stiffy & me, hungry, at Maria Laach (a fancy famous church)

I don't understand nearly as much German as they're saying!

-- me, about a bunch of kids we met in Berlin

That's where that came from! DROOL -- Divine Revelation of an Object Of Lust!

-- me, scamming in Berlin

Mike's having puberty flashbacks.

-- Stiffy

"Well, they say that good things come in small packages."
"Well then, Stiffy, you must be the best!"

-- Stiffy then me

"Wie sagt man 'Bingo' auf Deutsch?"
"Bingo auf Deutsch!"

-- me, Jon, or Stiffy, then me, Jon, or Stiffy

I feel kind of happy right now.

-- Jon, after making out with a German girl

I was in the wrong fucking disco!

-- me, after missing out on a date with Mona, a beautiful German girl in Berlin

Lumber? I've never lumbered before. Is that where we get pancakes from?

-- Courtney Ramsay

Giant, lumbering pancakes laying waste to the city! Call Mrs. Butterworth!

--me & Stiffy teasing Courtney

Fikken, bumpsen, blasen
Alles auf den Rasen
Ist der Rasen veck
Treiben wir's un Bett!
(Fuck, bump, and blow
always on the grass
if the grass is gone
we go to the bed!)

-- Sonja, Niki, & Yvonne (3 Bavarian girls in Berlin) teaching me German songs (Der Toten Hosen)

I'm thinkin' McNot!

-- Courtney Ramsay, after seeing the umpteenth McPaper store

Your living and breathing lets me down!

-- Courtney R. to Kevin E.

If I was gay...!

-- me, talking about Christian Slater

"You keep teasing me and I'm gonna get you!"
"You've already got me."

-- Meryl Streep, then Albert Brooks, in the movie "Defending Your Life"

The killer awoke before dawn
He chose a face from the ancient gallery,
And he walked on down the hall.
He came to the room where his sister slept,
And then he
Paid a visit to his brother,
And then he walked on down the hall!
And he came to a door.
Father?
Yes son?
I want to kill you.
Mother?
I want to...
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh...

-- Jim Morrison in The Doors' "The End"

"So you've never had anyone suck on your toes?"
"No...I'll have to try that some day."
"I think you'd pop your hips out that way."

-- Jason Magness, me, then Heather Nighswander, about foot fetishes

"What do you look for in women?"
"Well, intelligence is..."
"Intelligence? Yeah, I'm sure that when you spot someone across the room, you say 'Man, will you look at her intelligence!'"
"Yeah...both of 'em!"

-- Group discussion, but the final blow was Ross Sanders, Frau's oldest son

No matter where you are, there you go.

-- Some guy in Royce & Rod's Philosophy class

I must have the teacher's edition -- my philosophy book has all the answers in the back!

-- Royce

"You only have to tell a wife once."
"Yeah, because there's no point in telling her again!"

-- A student, then the professor in Philosophy

If I said "Death before Dishonor," and somebody insulted my clothes, and then I comitted Hari-Kari, wouldn't that lead you to believe I meant what I said?

-- the Philosophy prof

"Some of you might be old enough to remember President Carter...?"
"Who?"

-- the Philosophy prof, then me

Life without inquiry is not worth living.

-- Socrates

One of those mornings when you wake up and want to lick the carpet to get the taste out of your mouth.

-- a hungover Sarah Buckbee, according to Rod

"Why are you running?"
"I'm trying to escape reality."

-- me, then Rod, at about 12:30 am outside of Carrs

Oh Randall. Dear Randall. You are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

-- Evil, in "Time Bandits"

You ever read Eckhart? Eckhart saw it all too. You know what he said? He said the only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of your life. Your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So...if you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But, if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all.

-- Louis, in "Jacob's Ladder"

That's no fair -- you can poke me, but I can't poke you!

-- Tammy Ketchum

Hey, if I don't get these things written down, I'll never get them in!

-- me

...And the waitress is practicing politics,
as the buisnessmen slowly get stoned.
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call lonliness --
but it's better than drinking alone!

-- Billy Joel, "The Piano Man"

Yikes -- this young lady is extremely pretty. Oh, well, she probably has a boyfriend allready. It seems like all the best-looking, nicest people are allready attached to someone. Therefore, the nice guys like me have to settle for what we can get. Fortunately, those women who are less than gorgeous often have much better personalities, and are more real people because of that -- and sometimes that can make a person nore beautiful than any model or movie star around. Wow -- Woody waxes philosophical. Not! It was a try.

-- me, babbling as I go onto a peice of paper during a class one day

If life is meaningless, then why the hell bring up the subject?

-- Lily Tomlin, in "The Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life In The Universe"

A group of militant pigeons overthrew the government of Cuba today in a surprise military Coo!

-- Dennis Miller, SNL

I choose my friends for their looks, and my enemies for their intelligence. You're too foxy to be my friend.

-- Alfredo, in "Cinema Paradiso"

I don't want to hear you talk anymore -- I want to hear talk about you.

-- Alfredo, in "Cinema Paradiso"

Royce, scoot over! Oh, sorry, you are.

-- me being obnoxious at Pizza Hut

Nur tote Fische schwimmen mit dem Strom.
(Only dead fish swim with the stream.)

-- Katja Berger

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness, I want sin."
"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."
"Allright then," said the savage defiantly. "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."

-- Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

Hey -- I can see my house from here!

-- Jesus
(yes, I know it's sick, I'm sorry...)

Put your back seat to use on Friday night
Satisfy hungry women on a nightly basis

-- Godfathers Pizza delivery drivers wanted ads

How can you worship a homeless man on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?

-- ad from the National Coalition for the Homeless

See the only athletes who scratch themselves more than baseball players!

-- ad for the Ashley Whippet dog Frisbee championships

My moral standing is lying down.

-- nine inch nails

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

-- anonymous, from Son of River City Billiards

I once met a couple so progressive they tried to adopt a gay baby!

-- from the bathroom at SoRCB

He's got a phonetical devotion to the Pope. P...O...P...E...

-- me, one late night at Royce's

What was that? One minute we were spanking each other with meat, and the next it got weird!

-- Sam, "Wings"

"...how about you, Harold? What flower would you like to be?"
Harold rubbed his nose. "I don't know," he said. "I'm just an ordinary person." He gestured out at a field of daisies that ran all the way to the hills. "Maybe one of those."
"Why do you say that?" asked Maude, a little perturbed.
"I guess," he answered softly, "because they are all the same."
"Oh, but they're not! Look here." She guided him over to a clump of daisies.
"See? Some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have petals missing -- all kinds of observeable differences, and we haven't even touched the biochemical. You see, Harold, they're like the Japanese. At first you think they all look alike, but after you get to know them, you see there is not a repeat in the bunch. It's just like this daisy. Each person is different, never existed before, and never to exist again." She picked it. "An individual."
She smiled, and they both stood up.
"Well," said Harold moodily, "we may be individuals, all right. But," he added, glancing out at the field, "we have to grow up together."
Maude looked at Harold. "That's very true," she murmured. "Still, I believe that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who know they are this"-- she held the daisy in her hand --"yet let themselves be treated as that."
She blinked back the tears that were forming in her eyes and looked out over the thousands and thousands of daisies waving gently in the afternoon sun.

-- Harold and Maude, Colin Higgins

"Ah, Madame M! Greetings," he cried, kissing her hand. "As Odysseus said to Penelope--"
"Sorry I'm late," said Harold, rushing through the door.
Glaucus looked up. "A rather free translation, but none the less correct."

-- Harold and Maude

"Most people aren't like you. They're locked up in themselves. They live in their castles -- all alone. They're like me."
"Well, everyone lives in his own castle," said Maude. "But that's no reason not to lower the drawbridge and go out on visits."

-- Harold and Maude

"I heard a story once in the Orient about two architects who went to see the Buddha. They had run out of money on their projects and hoped the Buddha could do something about it. 'Well, I'll do what I can,' said the Buddha, and he went off to see their work. The first architect was building a bridge, and the Buddha was very impressed. 'That's a very good bridge,' he said, and began to pray. Suddenly a great white bull appeared, carrying on its back enough gold to finish construction. 'Take it,' said the Buddha, 'and build even more bridges.' And so the first architect went away very happy. The second architect was building a wall, and when the Buddha saw it he was equally impressed. 'That's a very good wall,' he said solemnly, and began to pray. Suddenly the sacred bull appeared, walked over to the second architect, and sat on him."
"...Well," said Maude..., "It's the truth. The world needs no more walls. What we've all got to do is get out and build more bridges!"

-- Harold and Maude

Harold took the [hookah] hose and inhaled. He smiled. "I'm sure picking up on vices," he said.
"Vice? Virtue? It's best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality. As Confucius says, 'Don't simply be good. Make good things happen.'"

-- Harold and Maude

"If God is so great, so all-powerful, and so kind, then why is there all this suffering in the world? Why so much death, so much pain?"
"Well, think about it. All power corrupts. And absolute power corrupts absolutely."

-- The daughter of God, then Satan, in Only Begotten Daughter

"Liberal Arts...are there Conservative Arts?"
"Paintings of Richard Nixon."

-- me and Royce

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARE CRUCIFIXION JOKES. THESE ARE NOT FUNNY!
"Hey--I can see my house from here!"
M&M's--melt in your mouth, fall through your hands.
Makes hide & seek much easier when covering your face with your hands.
Makes the 'pencil-through-the-hand-illusion' really easy to pull off.
"Yeah, kid, thanks...use that hammer, there...good, got one hand...okay, pull the other nail...THE FEET! THE FEET!"

-- Royce and I, mostly

The four properties of waves: Reflection, refraction, diffraction, and propogation. Otherwise known as: Bounce, bend, spread, and reproduce!

-- Royce and I in physics class, years ago (I just remembered to put this in, that's all)

Subscribe to Predeterminism! Just $20/month. You will pay. Trust us.

-- me in Royce's Philosophy class

PIGDIN LATIN
Cogito ergo deo = I think, therefore I am God
Cogito primus ergo patento = I think first, therefore I get the patent
Cogito Sarah, ergo tumesco = I think about Sarah, therefore I get a woody
Cogito facilio cogito facilio cogito facilio = I think I can...
Cogito Edsel ergo deus ex machina = I think God would drive me if I were a Ford
Cogito Cochise ergo sum Cochise = I think I am Cochise, therefore I am Cochise
Cogito ergo sum, cogito = I think, therefore I am--I think
Non cogito eramus Kansas nuncio, Totos = I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
Non cogito ergo granato = I don't think, therefore I am a pomegranite
Cogito tuo Snap-onio = I think you are a dildo
Cogito nos solamos = I think we're alone now
C-c-c-c-cogito = I think, therefore I rap
Cogito telethonio = I think I am Jerry Lewis
Cogito supercilia multipodia = I think my eyebrows are turning into caterpillars
Cogito extraneo intermittento = I think I can be very strange sometimes
Cogito locus indeterminado = I think we're lost
Cogito thermo gluteo = I think she's got a hot ass
Cogito hemorrahgeo = I think I'm bleeding I think I'm a hemorrhoid

-- Royce, Rod, and I, during a Philosophy class of Royce's

Life without meaning cannot be borne.
We find a mission to which we're sworn
--or answer the call of Death's dark horn.
Without a gleaning of purpose in life,
we have no vision, we live in strife,
--or let blood fall on a suicide knife.

-- The Book of Counted Sorrows

Nowhere can a secret keep
always secret, dark and deep,
half so well as in the past,
buried deep to last, to last.
Keep it in your own dark heart,
otherwise the rumors start.
After many years have buried
secrets over which you worried
no confidant can then betray
all the words you didn't say.
Only you can then exhume
secrets safe within the tomb
of memory, of memory,
within the tomb of memory.

-- The Book of Counted Sorrows

In the real world,
as in dreams,
nothing is quite
what it seems.

-- The Book of Counted Sorrows

Vibrations in a wire.
Ice crystals
in a beating heart.
Cold fire.
A mind's frigidity:
frozen steel,
dark rage, morbidity.
Cold fire.
Defense against
a cruel life
death and strife:
Cold fire.

-- The Book of Counted Sorrows

Here, Karyn, could you hold this? It's too big to fit in my pocket.

-- me, a few years ago, actually talking about a banana. Right.

A little philosophy inclineth men's minds to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds to religion.

-- Sir Francis Bacon

I've never teased my hair, but I've turned on a few lightbulbs in my time.

-- me, to Jen Adzima

mother do you think thy child is sick?
why are my walls built so very thick?
i hide myself so i can feel no pain
but you crack my walls again and again
bringing emotions, people who care
when all i can do is sit and stare
while the feelings i try so hard to suppress
escape, exerting so much stress
that the walls explode, and i feel the pain
of love, and i build my walls again

-- me, in typing class, inspired by Pink Floyd's The Wall (of course)

Always smell it first.

-- Michael Ornellas, a friend of Sarah Buckbee's

This was but a prelude; where books are burnt human-beings will be burnt in the end.

-- Heinrich Heine

...for every human being there is a diversity of existences...the single existence is itself an illusion...

-- Saul Bellow

The chess board is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe, the rules of the game are what we call the laws of Nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us. We know that his play is always fair, just and patient. But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake, or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance.

-- Thomas Henry Huxley

I do not know wheter I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

-- Chang-tzu

That is no country for old men. The young
In one another's arms, birds in the trees
--Those dying generations--at their song.
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unaging intellect.

-- William Butler Yeats

We may live without poetry, music and art;
We may live without conscience, and live without heart;
We may live without friends, we may live without books;
But civilized man cannot live without cooks.

-- Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Earl of Lytton

A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.

-- Oscar Wilde

Hence, loathed Melancholy
Of Cerberus abd blackest Midnight born,
In Stygian cave forlorn,
'Mongst horrid shapes, and shrieks, and sights unholy.

-- John Milton

From generation to generation it shall lie waste, none shall pass through it for ever and ever. But the cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl and the raven shall also dwell in it; and he shall stretch out upon it the line of confusion, and the stones of emptiness...
...and it shall be an habitation for dragons.

-- Isaiah Ben-Amoz

It is easy to go down into Hell;
night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;
but to climb back up again, to retrace one's steps
to the upper air--there's the rub, the task.

-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

Give me where to stand, and I shall move the world.

-- Archimedes

Through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes,
i can barely define the shape of this moment in time.
and far from flying high, in clear blue skies,
i'm spiraling down, to a hole in the ground, where i hide.

--Pink Floyd, "The Final Cut"

I've got wide, staring eyes,
And I've got a strong urge to fly--
But I got nowhere to fly to...

-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"

Three out of four Americans make up 75% of the population.

-- David Letterman

There are some people who read too much--the bibliobibuli. I know some who are constantly drink on books as other men are drunk on whiskey or religion. They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze, seeing nothing and hearing nothing.

-- H. L. Mancken

La vrai disette, c'est l'absence de livres.
(Real poverty is the lack of books.)

-- Colette

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

-- Ohio U. professor

Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.

-- Mr. W

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind as to which way to go.

-- Tripo

A friend of mine won't get a divorce because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.

-- Tripo

Under capitalism, man is opposing fellow man. Under communism, it is the other way around.

-- Tripo

TAICH--There's Another I Can't Have!

-- Royce

We can keep from a child all knowledge of earlier myths, but we cannot take from him the need for mythology.

-- Carl Jung

I have thought long and hard about the course I am to follow. I ask only that you believe the sincerety of my thoughts. I wish to make my contribution, perhaps a modest one but in my view an important one, to our mutual cause. Henceforth I am your soldier, pledged to carry out everything which is entrusted to me. I will give all my strength, knowledge, and my life to this new obligation.

-- Oleg Penkovsky

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

-- Johnny Carson

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

-- Tripo

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

-- Tripo

   NEW 1991 POLITICALLY CORRECT LABELS
          OLD LABEL: NEW LABEL
          --------------------
       conservative: reactionary
  the Establishment: White Power Elite
     hearing person: temporarily aurally abled
     sighted person: temporarily visually abled
              blind: visually challenged
               mute: vocally challenged
               dead: metabolically different
              alive: temporarily metabolically abled
               ugly: aesthetically challenged
                fat: alternative body image
               rude: politically correct
         psychopath: socially misaligned
               bald: follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male: oppressed
              white: melanin-impoverished, genetically oppressive
         white male: oppressor
              black: african-american
              asian: asian-american
      afro-american: african-american
          pregnancy: parasitic oppression
            janitor: sanitation engineer
         dishwasher: utensil sanitizer
              dairy: where cows are raped
              ranch: where cattle are murdered
          egg ranch: where hens are raped
 biology department: where animals are tortured and then murdered to
                     fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male
                     scientist lackeys of the imperialistic drug companies
            fishing: raping the oceans
            farming: exploiting mother earth
          paper bag: processed tree carcass

-- Tripo

Life is not lost by dying! Life is lost minute by minute, day by boring day, in all the thousand, small uncaring ways.

-- Stephen Vincent Benet

Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

-- Tripo

Mother is far to clever to understand anything she doesn't like.

-- Arnold Bennett

"Ow!"
"I didn't do anything!"
"Well...I thought you were going to."

-- Rod, then me, then Rod, late one night

Come in, take off your clothes, stay a while!

-- Rod, to Sarah Buckbee

You shouldn't grab things that drip!

-- Rod, to Diedre

Notice how well he handles his stick...!

-- Diedre, to Rod (about his car, she says...)

The greater an individual's power over others, the greater the evil that might possibly originate with him.

-- PROPAGANDA, from A Secret Word

Every human being is intended to have a character of his of his own; to be what no other is, and to do what no other can do.

-- William Channing

"Pete, all I have to do is think a happy thought?"
"Two parts happy thought, one part pixie dust," said 'Belle, sprinkling Andrea's hair.
"A warm puppy," prompted Pete. "A moonlit walk on the beach."
"A resurgence of the Cold War," said Andrea, and hit her head on the ceiling.

-- Never say Neverland, Again, Marc Lynx

To:    	 Royce
From:   	The Woodmeister
Subject:	Banner
Just saw your banner when I sent the last message. Love it! It made me laugh.
You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make me hiccup. You make me flatulate
uncontrollably around good-looking schnauzers. Good-looking schnauzers make me
hiccup while crying because I've been laughing too hard and am now in pain. Pain
makes me find schnauzers attractive. A good-looking hiccuping schnauzer with red
eyes from crying at how piteous my laughter sounds just reminded me that I've
got a class to sleep through. Later!
																			The Schnauzmeister 

-- me to Royce, over the UAA VAX system.

It is age and selfness that kill love. We grow more and more into our true selves every second that we are alive. If there is such a thing as fate it is this: the outer self seeking and awakening to the true self no matter the pain and terror -- and there is always pain and terror -- no matter how great the cost may be.

-- Mallory, Neverness, David Zindell

It's not fair! Why is this cold, empty universe, which has bestowed upon us what we so laughingly call life, why is it so barbarically unfair? ...Unfair it is, and that's why we were given brains, to cozen and plan, to circumvent and cheat.

-- Bardo, Neverness

And so I learned this strange theology of Alexandar Diego Soli: It was known that the first Lord Cantor, the great Georg Cantor, with an ingenious proof array had demonstrated that the infinity of integers -- what he called aleph null -- is embedded within the higher infinity of real numbers. And he had proved that that infinity is embedded within the infinites of the higher alephs, a whole hierarchy of infinities, an infinity of infinities. The Simoom cantors believed that as it is with numbers, so it is with the hierarchies of the gods. Truly, as Alexandar had taught his son, Leopold, if a god existed, who or what had created him (or her)? If there is a higher god, call him god2, there must be a god3 and a god4, and so on. There is an aleph million and an aleph centillion, but there is no final, no highest infinity, and therefore there is no God. No, there could be no true God, and so there could be no true creation. The logic was as harsh and merciless as Alexandar of Simoom himself: If there is no true creation then there is no true reality. If nothing is real, then man is not real; man in some fundamental sense does not exist. Reality is all a dream, and worse, it is less than a dream because even a dream must have a dreamer to dream it. To assert otherwise is nonsense. And so to assert the existence of the self is therefore a sin, the worst of sins; therefore it is better to cut out one's tongue than to speak the word "I."

-- Mallory, Neverness

Human thought is really all the same. Thoughts may differ from person to person and group to group, but the way we think is limited by the deep structures of our all too human brains. This is both a curse and a blessing. We are all trapped within the bone coffins of our same brains, imprisoned in thoughtways evolved over a million years. But it is a comfortable prison of white walls, whose air, however stale, we can breathe. If we would escape our prison only for an instant, our new way of seeing, of knowing, would leave us gasping. There would be glories and excruciating beauty and -- as I was soon to learn -- madness.

-- Mallory, Neverness

It's not angel dust anymore -- it's penguin dust! You sniff it and get this wierd feeling that you really want to fly, but you can't, so you don't even try...it's made from dried penguins, they end up looking like little odd-shaped rasins...the hard part is stuffing them into the blender...

-- me & Royce, at James Clark's birthday party

"I survived..." t-shirts! "I survived Pompeii," "I survived the Holocaust..."

-- Royce

"Did you fake your orgasm?" (Royce)
"No, I faked his." (Me)
"Oh...well, was it good for you?" (Royce)
"I dunno, ask him!" (Rod)

-- Me, Royce, & Rod

Friday is a dangling oasis that hangs at the end of the week.

-- Tony Mello, writing bad (sorry Tony!) yearbook copy

There shall be no penis between us!

-- Drew, in Spike Lee's film "Jungle Fever"

Sheba (?): So how's school going this year?
Bongo: I'm trapped in an overcrowded classroom full of resentful, neglected kids. We're taught by an exhausted, underpaid teacher on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Our textbooks read like they've been edited by some sort of monstrous deflavoring machine. We're taught facts that aren't true, history that didn't happen, and rules that no one obeys. Certain ideas are not allowed to be taught, certain books are banned from the library, and certain t-shirts are forbidden to be worn. Our days are filled with unchallenging tests, pointless busy-work, and mind-numbing memorization. The administrators hate the teachers, the teachers hate their pay, the kids hate everything, and I hate myself.
Sheba: So things are improving, eh?

-- Life in Hell, by Matt Groening

Prior to the days of Tom Edison, early electric eels had to stun their prey with gas.
A newspaper published by ants would consist primarily of obituaries.
The inability of snakes to count is nothing more than an unwillingness on their part to appreciate the cardinal number system.
Most states fit so closely together that almost no space is wasted.
If people were eliminated from the Earth, 72 cents out of every dollar could be saved.

-- From one of the BBS's around town, I forget which

She's blind in one eye and can't see out the other!

-- Rod

Subj: RE: sheesh								(46/50)
From: Robert A. Iris #87 Last on: 3/23/92
To  : Woodstock #120
Date: Mon, Mar 23, 1992 7:58:03

I attended drama school there for a year and we would go downto the science
center on group trips. (HAH!)
The room goes dark. Speakers come on around and above and below you. A deep
voice says welcome. A tiny dot of green light appears high above you, about
where venus would be in the sky. And then the scream
And the sky errupts into red and yellow. People and objects fly throught the
air. Butterflys and cash registers. Strange patters of visual rythym. Your mouth
keeps falling open and you try to keep it closed but things, beautiful things
keep falling out of the sky. It should never end.
Then it does. And the lights come on and the deep voice says thank you and the
speakers go quite as the lights turn night into day as you applaud.

-- Robert A. Iris, about the Pink Floyd laser show