I was bouncing around over at Fark, and stumbled across a fun alternate take on the Star Wars mythology that I’d never seen before. Kinda cool theory, I think.

It’s funny, I just watched the whole trilogy last night for the first time in ages. People complained about EP1 being too cartoony and kid friendly. Have you ever watched these movies? Except for Empire, they’re as kid-friendly as anything Nickelodeon puts out. Jar-Jar would have fit right in.

As long as I’m bursting bubbles, go back and watch the movies. Obi-wan and Yoda are the real villians; lying to Luke in order to trick him into killing his father in some sick revenge scheme. Think about it. Obi-wan and Vader get in a fight, Obi- Want steals Vader’s kid, manipulates his life (i.e. drops him off with Uncle Owen, knowing the guy’s a prick and will make Luke want to leave), takes the kid and trains him while lying about his father and manipulating his emotions (hero worship of his ‘father’ who Vader murdered), and then letting himself get killed to complete the image in Luke’s mind of Vader as a monster.

Then Yoda is even worse. When he says in Empire that Luke is not their only hope; “There is another.” He’s really saying, “Well, even if Vader kills the kid we can still use his sister to get revenge.” Sick, just sick. And one Luke does find out about Vader being his father, Obi-Wan looks disaapointed that Luke found out the truth. Hell, Yoda didn’t tell Luke about Leia until the little green bastard was dying. At that point, he’s dead and could care less about the Empire. Might as well spill the beans, toss the kid a bone.

In short, both Obi-Wan and Yoda are evil, lying, manipulative, bastards and Chewbacca is the only ‘good guy’ in the whole series.

And if anyone wants to challenge my theory, feel free, but be warned: I will not acknowledge any responses which reference comics, books, video games, etc.

I don’t give a damn about Exar Kun and Mara Jade, if it wasn’t in the movies it didn’t happen. Although scenes cut from the final print are fair game.

Man I’m a farking geek.