SCENE: Evening in a bar. Our HERO walks into the the bar, pausing by the piano as the bar’s PIANIST plays an opening riff. The PIANIST looks up and greets our HERO as he plays lightly on the keyboard.
PIANIST: Evenin’! You look like you could use a drink.
OUR HERO: Yeah. I’d like a grasshopper, please.
PIANIST: [Calling to the bartender] Hey, can we have a grasshopper for the frog?
OUR HERO: Uh, that…that’s Kermit, Kermit the Frog.
PIANIST: Oh! Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog, here. Pleased ta meet’cha!
[ROWLF plays a fancy glissando on the piano]
ROWLF: I’m no Heifetz, but I get by.
[ROWLF continues to play lightly, as KERMIT looks out the window]
ROWLF: Lemme guess — broken heart, right?
KERMIT: Huh. Does it show?
ROWLF: Listen — when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain; a shattered dream for every falling star.
KERMIT: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
ROWLF: Eh, typical. That’s why I live alone.
KERMIT: You do, huh?
ROWLF: You bet. Finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
KERMIT: Nice and simple.
ROWLF: Stay away from women — that’s my motto.
KERMIT: But I can’t!
ROWLF: Neither can I. That’s my trouble.
ROWLF: You can’t life with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
There’s something irresistable-ish about ’em.
We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long —
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.
KERMIT: I see what you mean.
It’s no good complainin’, and pointless to holler.
ROWLF: If she’s a beauty she’ll get under your collar.
KERMIT: She made a monkey out of old King Kong.
BOTH: I hope that something better comes along.
ROWLF: Ah, but what could be better, than a saucy Irish Setter,
When puppy love comes on strong?
Or a collie that’s classy…
A laddie needs a lassie…
A lover and wife gives you a new leash on life!
KERMIT: Uh — uh, was that a new leash on life?
ROWLF: Oh yeah. Uh, sorry about that. Two, three, four…
KERMIT: I don’t mean to scare ya, my friend, but I bet’cha,
come Father’s Day the litter bug’s gonna get’cha.
ROWLF: The urge is righteous but the face is wrong!
BOTH: I hope that something better comes along.
KERMIT: Still, it’s fun when they’re fetchin’,
and agree to see an etching,
that you keep at your lilly pad.
There is no solution, it’s part of evolution…
ROWLF: The pitter-patter of soles, the little feet of tadpoles!
KERMIT: Uh, Rowlf, tadpoles don’t have feet!
ROWLF: Oh. Sorry about that. Two, three, four…
KERMIT: There’s no limitation to mixin’ and matchin’.
ROWLF: Some get an itchin’ for a critter they’ve been scratchin’.
A skunk was badgered, the results were strong!
I hope that somethin’ better,
BOTH: I hope that somethin’ better,
I hope that somethin’ better comes along!
ROWLF: Beep-bop-biddy-biddy, doom-bom-diddy-diddy, dom-bum-um-ummm…
[KERMIT walks off]
ROWLF: It’s not often you see a guy that green…had the blues that bad.