Most naturally beautiful women

This entry was published at least two years ago (originally posted on May 31, 2004). Since that time the information may have become outdated or my beliefs may have changed (in general, assume a more open and liberal current viewpoint). A fuller disclaimer is available.

A “panel of experts” (beauty and fashion editors, make-up artists, model agencies and photographers) has just released a list of the top 100 most naturally beautiful women. Here’s the top 10, in reverse order (just pretend the numbers count from 10 to 1 instead of from 1 to 10, HTML can’t do reverse-ordered lists [why not, dammit?]…oh, and the links are to Google Image Searches, and may not be worksafe):

I don’t agree with all of the list (Liv Tyler at #2?), was pleasantly surprised at some of it (hooray for putting Cate Blanchett in the top ten — while I’ve often thought that she’s gorgeous, she has a somewhat odd [angular?] look that some people I’ve talked to don’t appreciate as much), but putting Audrey Hepburn in the number one spot?

That is so, so, so absolutely perfect.

(Swoon…)

Personally, though, I’d knock Liv entirely off the top ten and put Nicole Kidman in her place. Part of what caught my eye about this story, though, was seeing it posted on Fark. Each link submitted to Fark gets a small category tag associated with it — “amusing”, “asinine”, “boobies”, and the like — and the tag assigned to this story was “unlikely”.

Unlikely?

My lord.

Reading the comments on Fark, I was quite gratified to learn that I wasn’t the only person to take umbrage at that “unlikely” tag…

(leans out of van, grabs poster by lapels, pulls him into van)

Okay, nodog, drive, drive!!

(turns to poster)

Just shut up and don’t scream and you’re going to be okay.

(lights cigarette)

Lissen, you. My friends and I just wanted to take you for a little ride so you could clear your head.

Now what exactly is your problem with Audrey Hepburn?

(smacks poster)

Hey! Don’t you f*ckin’ turn away from me when I ask you a question! I said, WHAT IS YOUR F*CKING PROBLEM WITH AUDREY HEPBURN?

(looks at poster)

What, are you going to cry now? You scaaared?

Well, you should be scared. Running around town with no taste whatsoever, you gonna get in big trouble someday, punk.

(draws on cigarette)

How old are you, kid? 30, 31? Don’t you know anything?

You dare sit there and badmouth Audrey and what do you bring to the table, huh?

(searches pockets of poster, looks at what he’s found)

This is your ideal of a beautiful woman? BRITNEY F*CKING SPEARS? And what’s this? ARIA GIOVANNI? What are you, f*cking ten?

Listen, I’m going to tell you once, so you listen good. Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Kim Novak. Before you were a f*cking squirt on a towel these women ruled the earth. Raquel Welch, Grace Kelly. GRACE F*CKING KELLY.

You get me? Don’t you ever–and I mean ever–bring your taste for dried up, pre-fabbed, over-hyped, no-talent, unattractive coozes around here again.

(flicks cigarette in poster’s face)

Now get the f*ck out of here before i do something you regret.

(throws him out of the moving van).

— LarsThorwald

iTunes: “Earth Chakra” by Azukx from the album Return to the Source: The Chakra Journey (1996, 8:21).