(This piece is attributed to Nancy Greggs of The Guardian UK. I found it on BOP, who could only locate another copy at ToppleBush, though a quick Google also found copies on Democratic Underground and LiveJournal. Since there’s no real “original” to post, I’m reposting it here. It’s worth it.)
United States Grammar School Interim Report to Parents
Dear Mr. and Mrs. G.H.W. Bush,
Once again, it is that time of year when we update the parents of our students on their child’s progress, and we regret to inform you that your son, Georgie, is not doing as well as we’d hoped and expected when he embarked on his four-year program at our school.
As you are well aware, Georgie was installed as class president at the start of the school year, despite the fact that the majority of his fellow students did not vote for him. We foresaw problems immediately, but were assured by several school board members (who, as we understand it, are friends of your family) that this would not result in any real difficulty. Unfortunately, they have been proven wrong.
In the area of scholastic achievement, despite our best efforts, Georgie is still reading and speaking at a grade level far below our usual standards.. At this point, we are not sure if his failure to learn is due to laziness and a lack of ability to apply himself to his studies, or if he simply lacks the intellectual capacity to improve in these areas.
His oral presentations to the class are particularly troubling; it is apparent that Georgie has not read the necessary materials, and he often simply fabricates facts to hide this shortcoming. In oral exams, he tends to repeat the same answers over and over, e.g. “The economy is good; jobs are on their way,” indicating a profound failure to keep up with the Current Events portion of the curriculum.
Georgie also tends to fabricate elaborate stories about himself – which, admittedly, can sometimes be very amusing. During a school celebration last May, he delighted his fellow students by coming to class in a little “flight suit” (just like the grown-ups wear!), and had everyone in stitches with his story about the family dog having eaten his report card from military pre-school!
On the whole, however, Georgie does not play well with other children. His “leadership” in the classroom continues to divide many students, one against the other. Other study groups, such as our French and German-language classes, are no longer willing to cooperate with Georgie’s group, even though they have traditionally done so in the past.
Your son also displays a lack of taking responsibility for his failings, and seems unable to appreciate the consequences of his actions. Although he was provided with the best textbooks on the subjects of the Economy, Job Creation, The Environment, et cetera, these books were damaged or completely destroyed within a matter of months. Georgie insists that he “inherited” these books in poor condition, despite all evidence to the contrary. (In fact, these same textbooks were previously used by one of our very best students, who actually returned them in better condition than he found them!)
During his first few weeks with us, Georgie quickly became part of a group of other “problem students.” Despite warnings, he has consistently befriended children whom we consider to be “bad elements,” such as Little Kenny Lay and a foreign-exchange student named Chalabi. Both of these youngsters have been expelled from other schools due to their involvement in cheating other students out of their lunch money. We feel that these kinds of relationships can only lead to no good, and hope that you will advise your child accordingly.
Georgie often displays aggressive behaviour in the schoolyard, and recently assaulted a student in another school district, completely unprovoked. When asked about this incident, Georgie insisted that the other child was armed and dangerous. When investigation into the matter proved otherwise, Georgie changed his story several times: he was just trying to “democratize” the other child, the other child’s school was harboring gang members, and so on. Quite frankly, his story on this topic has so changed from week to week, we simply can’t trust his word at all anymore.
Georgie’s friends, while not great in number, are very loyal, but tend to be over-protective. If any of the other students point out Georgie’s failing grades, these friends simply shout them down and tell them not to speak at all. When Georgie was summoned to the principal’s office several weeks ago, he insisted that his “best friend” come with him. We feel that it is in Georgie’s best interest to learn to stand up for himself; failure to do so could seriously damage his ability to handle a leadership role in his adult years.
As you are aware, final exams will be held in November, and Georgie’s past performance leads us to conclude that he will not be able to achieve the grades necessary to continue on with another four-year term at our institution.
Yours Truly, Ms. J.Q. Public, Assistant Principal