This entry was published at least two years ago (originally posted on September 8, 2004). Since that time the information may have become outdated or my beliefs may have changed (in general, assume a more open and liberal current viewpoint). A fuller disclaimer is available.
Finally, a campaign I can get behind.
Um…so to speak.
Are you a Citizen, a Patriot — or an American Hero?
Citizen: I pledge to withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.
Patriot: I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.
American Hero: I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years.
Disclaimers:
- Pledge-fulfilling sex must be consensual, legal, and generous. And safe. And hot.
- Acceptable sexual positions include, but are not limited to: missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, leapfrog, butterfly, humpback whale, cling wrap, squashing of the deck chair, accordion, reverse piggy-back, advanced (“twin”) leapfrog. Male-male, female-female, group, and oral variations of these positions can also be used to satisfy the pledge.
- Taking the pledge indicates a good-faith effort to abide by its provisions. Pledge-takers who have violated withholding provisions become effective non-voters, and are barred from sex with fellow pledge-takers.
- Pledge-takers who fail to vote are forbidden from masturbating. (Exemption: pledge-takers who are not eligible to vote are encouraged to masturbate frequently.)
- “Cybersex” does not satisfy the pledge, dorkwad.
- Non-voters may render themselves eligible for sex with American Heroes by voting at least twice in local, primary, and/or 2006 congressional races. Those voting in only one such race qualify to perform, but not receive, oral sex on American Heroes.
- Achievement of a Votergasm during election-night sex is probable, but not guaranteed. Those encountering difficulty reaching Votergasm are encouraged to slow things down, talk about it, and reduce the pressure. Other techniques include the use of massage oils, toys, “dirty talk,” “ballot stuffing,” and “exit polls.”
- Per the U.S. Constitution, children conceived on election night are eligible for gigantic interest-free loans from the U.S. government, and special t-shirts.
(via Rick)