Quick Review: Timeline

I just finished watching Timeline, based on the book by Michael Crichton. I don’t know anything about the book it’s based on — I haven’t read a Crichton novel in years — but the movie?

Oooh, ouch. Bad movie. No biscuit.

Bad enough that I spent most of the movie bored and often rolling my eyes, but I pretty much knew I was in for a dud (well, I’d picked it up already by the utter lack of acting ability by anyone in the cast, but…) when the group arrived in the late 14th century and anyone they ran into who spoke English spoke perfectly understandable, if anachronized, modern English.

Given that Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales around the end of the 14th century, and it reads as follows (as many people will remember from their high school english classes)…

Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,

That slepen al the nyght with open eye-
(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages
And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;

And specially from every shires ende
Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
The hooly blisful martir for to seke
That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke.
Bifil that in that seson, on a day,

In Southwerk at the Tabard as I lay
Redy to wenden on my pilgrymage
To Caunterbury with ful devout corage,
At nyght was come into that hostelrye
Wel nyne and twenty in a compaignye

Of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle
In felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle,
That toward Caunterbury wolden ryde.

…and generally needs a translation for modern readers to comprehend it, the fact that the language barrier wasn’t even mentioned in passing, let alone given any sort of (however implausible) explanation, was enough to have me scoffing.

Bleah. Don’t bother.

“Happiness (Dub)” by Front 242 from the album Mut@ge.Mix@ge (1995, 6:10).