Weekly World News

Best discovery of the past couple weeks: the Weekly World News (sorry, Seattle Weekly and Stranger, but this is my favorite weekly newspaper) has an RSS feed.

I mean, really — how could I survive without knowing about this kind of breaking news?

Dreaded Hot Tub Kraken Menaces Hotel Guests:

A squid infestation has forced the closure of Hollerheim Suites’ flagship hotel.

“The creature is viscid enough to dart through the hotel’s narrow plumbing,” said squid abatement expert Erik Pontoppidan. “It surfaces in guests’ bubble baths, coils hapless bathers in its tentacles, and vanishes again in a deadly but invigorating whirlpool.”

So far, no guests have been seriously hurt, though one bather did emerge, wet and dazed, from a bidet three rooms down the hall from his suite.

“In all of these cases the kraken was successfully repelled with a loofah,” Pontoppidan explained.

Five Injured When Ouija Planchette Leaps From Board in Search of Semicolon:

Five people were injured last week when a planchette–the device which points to letters and numbers on Ouija Boards–flew violently out of a house in search of a semicolon.

The planchette went rogue when Kelly Smerton, eleven, and her sister Karen, twelve, inadvertently channelled the spirit of a deceased English teacher.

“Apparently he was a pretty mean one,” said Deborah Smerton, the girls’ mother.

At the end of an independent clause condemning the Smerton house as a “den of ignoramuses,” the ghost suddenly flung the planchette out of the girl’s hands, shattering the bay window of their bedroom.