The return of Spudnuts

This entry was published at least two years ago (originally posted on February 21, 2002). Since that time the information may have become outdated or my beliefs may have changed (in general, assume a more open and liberal current viewpoint). A fuller disclaimer is available.

I got the following off of the comment thread from this post by Wil’s wife on WWDN. Yes, I know i’ve been mentioning that site fairly often lately…but Wil rocks, as does his wife, and as do many of the people who read and comment on his site. It’s become a daily stop for me.

Anyway, one of the regular readers and posters-of-comments has been MIA for a while. Last night at around 2am, Spudnuts returned with a vengeange. Whoever Spudnuts is, he’s one of the funniest guys I’ve read stuff from — and the following series of posts demanded to be saved. If you read this, I hope you get as much of a giggle out of it as I did. The majority of the posts are by Spudnuts, plus there’s a few relevant posts by other WWDN regulars in there too.

For the remainder of this week, I will be posting as…

Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones.

— Posted by Spudnuts at February 20, 2002 11:52 PM

I vas born in a part of Belarus where people what have bluejeans cannot for be to using them becausk they hef no bones.

Very sad.

Very, very sad.

Yes.

Funny.

But also…

SAD.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 20, 2002 11:55 PM

Not a bone between the two of us.

Sad.

— Posted by Mrs. Lermontov, Wife of the Man What Has No Bones, but Also She Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:00 AM

We hef bluejeans…

— Posted by Mrs. Lermontov, Wife of the Man What Has No Bones, but Also She Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:01 AM

Yes.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:02 AM

But we are unable to use them.

— Posted by Mrs. Lermontov, Wife of the Man What Has No Bones, but Also She Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:03 AM

Sad.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:04 AM

Very.

— Posted by Mrs. Lermontov, Wife of the Man What Has No Bones, but Also She Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:05 AM

Send us no more bluejeans, cruel Americans!

Can you not see the anguish in our watery, ice-blue eyes as they well up with tears of watery anguish and ice-blue anguish?!

We cannot wear them.

Keep your bluejeans.

They are not for us!

For we have no bones.

Sad.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:13 AM

Do not weep, my husband.

It is not cruelty which compels them to send us bluejeans, but rather it is misplaced kindness.

They give…but know nothing of our shame.

The children must not see your watery, ice-blue anguish tears in your eyes of anguish.

Come!

Go!

Leave!

For to no more crying on this the greatest day of the year…

The day of February when we celebrate the opening of the shed for people what needs to borrow rakes upon the…

Solstice.

Some wheat.

Go!

— Posted by Mrs. Lermontov, Wife of the Man What Has No Bones, but Also She Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:20 AM

SPUDNUTS!

— Posted by KJB at February 21, 2002 12:20 AM

Oh.

Shut it.

I’m going to watch pornography now.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:21 AM

Crap.

I didn’t want to scare Spudnuts away.

I suck.

Come back, Mr. Lermontov.

Please?

— Posted by KJB at February 21, 2002 12:26 AM

On second thought…

Perhaps pornography is a good idea for you.

Even though you have no bones.

I’m stopping.

— Posted by KJB at February 21, 2002 12:28 AM

Christ.

I >> SAID << I’m watching pornography.

I only have TWO hands.

Can’t a lad find privacy on this man’s Internet?

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:30 AM

I was sad because I had no bluejeans. Then I behelt Lermontov, the man who has bluejeans, but no bones. And beside him was his wife , who has bluejeans, but no bones as well. And I became sadder. And drank some vodka. More vodka. Still more. Til purple wolves came. And they danced. They danced the sad dance of the Lermontov’s. The couple who have bluejeans, but no bones.

Moral of the story

You do not want to come across a drunk who needs bluejeans. Especially if you are Lermontov, the man who has bluejeans, but no bones. And his wife, who also has bluejeans, but no bones.

— Posted by Fred Fowler at February 21, 2002 12:51 AM

I am concerned with the watchings of pr0nography by a man with no bones.

Does it not seem to be ironic…

I mean, why would someone watch something that gives a lot of us that which he does not have.

Oh…wait.

I get it now.

Lermontov now has a bone, methinks.

Methinks Mrs. Lermontov is appreciative.

— Posted by Roughy at February 21, 2002 12:57 AM

Oh, Great Wheat Thresher in the sky…

Why?

Why hef you cursed me and my children and the people of my village from here down to the river and a few on the other bank near the grist mill with bonelessness?

What hef we done in our comink and goink and comink and…goink…to merit such travail?!

What?

WHAT?!

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 12:59 AM

It’s all a failure to respect the cheese.

Respect for cheese = blue jeans.

Disrespect for cheese is the hobgoblins of greengoblins in the minds of spidermen.

— Posted by Roughy at February 21, 2002 01:01 AM

Privacy? In this man’s Internet?

It’s like asking if the Pope’s Jewish.

I hope never to find cheese in my bluejeans. Or any bluejeans, for that matter.

— Posted by KJB at February 21, 2002 01:17 AM

24601!

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 01:26 AM

Boneless SCUM!

Men like you can never change.

— Posted by Javert, the Inspector What Has Bones at February 21, 2002 01:28 AM

There is a duty I am sworn to do.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 01:30 AM

Fool!

You must think me mad.

I have doggedly pursued you across countless message boards.

Lermontov, it ends here.

Tonight.

In this shithole of a website.

This I swear!

— Posted by Javert, the Inspector What Has Bones at February 21, 2002 01:34 AM

Inspector, do not underestimate me…

Though I am boneless, still there is strength to be reckoned with in these feeble old limbs.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 01:36 AM

All he did was steal some bread.

— Posted by Mrs. Green Lantern at February 21, 2002 01:38 AM

Silence, woman!

This does not concern you.

It’s between me and the boneless Russian.

— Posted by Javert, the Inspector What Has Bones at February 21, 2002 01:39 AM

But he must save my poor, sick child!

Even though he has no bones…

— Posted by Fantine at February 21, 2002 01:50 AM

Lermontov.

You seem to have gained wretched allies in this hive of scum and human refuse.

Touching.

No matter.

Yield!

Or face the crushing fury of this armed and fully operational battle truncheon!

— Posted by Javert, the Inspector What Has Bones at February 21, 2002 01:54 AM

Daddy! Don’t let him take you away!

— Posted by Cosette, the Irritating Little Wretch at February 21, 2002 01:58 AM

I cannot be broken.

Merely…

Bent.

In a multitude of action poses.

Placed in a small box.

Or bag.

Made to walk down stairs alone or in pairs.

Pressed against the Sunday comics until I bear the imprint of Mary Worth and then s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d until funny, funny pictures happen…

YES!

Yes, Javert…

Bent.

But NEVER broken.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 01:58 AM

Oi!

We’ve seen him before!

He’s a total ass, that Lermontov.

By the way…

Javert, you still owe us 50 francs.

— Posted by M. et Mdme Thenardier, the Unscrupulous Smelly Frenchies at February 21, 2002 02:06 AM

Whew! I’m saving the Lermontov et al posts! It’s like reading Waiting For Godot! Brilliant, but scary. Scary like watching a car wreck…. (Anne, see how it degenerates into complete silliness? Addictive!) Thanks, Lermontov and friends, for waking me up with a smile. Best part of my day is coffee and WWDN & Friends.

Corky

— Posted by Corky at February 21, 2002 02:20 AM

Blame it all on Lermontov.

That boneless ass.

But hey, if you’re so amused…we could use $50…

— Posted by M. et Mdme Thenardier, the Unscrupulous Smelly Frenchies at February 21, 2002 02:23 AM

the Unscrupulous Smelly Frenchies

As opposed to the scrupulous non-smelly variety?

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 02:29 AM

The man has a point, dear.

Shut up, wench.

— Posted by M. et Mdme Thenardier, the Unscrupulous Smelly Frenchies at February 21, 2002 02:36 AM

Oh.

And TV’s Wil Wheaton?

Shut your hole, gateau-boy.

This site is now officially the domain of the Boneless Bolsheviks of Belarus (BBB).

No more of your whiny, bourgeois showbiz crap.

Now, all of your posts will be edited by the Democratic People’s Council on Matters Pertinent (DPCMP) prior to publication.

— Posted by Lermontov, the Man What Has No Bones at February 21, 2002 02:48 AM

Reminds me of my government class in high school.

We were in the most radical group politically, and we named our group the People’s Choice Party.

PCP.

We did it for shits and giggles, and we got a decent grade.

— Posted by KJB at February 21, 2002 02:53 AM

Hey, “shits and giggles” is my line.

Uneducated American swine.

— Posted by Francis St. Clair, Uppity English Nag at February 21, 2002 02:54 AM

Wait.

“Shut your hole, gateau-boy”?

Isn’t that “Shut your hole, cake-boy”?

shouldn’t it be “shut your cakehole, boy”?

Oh, screw it. I’m late for bed.

— Posted by That kid who is always bugging someone at February 21, 2002 03:01 AM

Mmmm…bones.

— Posted by osteogenic sarcoma at February 21, 2002 03:56 AM