The DJ Test

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This entry was published at least two years ago (originally posted on August 3, 2005). Since that time the information may have become outdated or my beliefs may have changed (in general, assume a more open and liberal current viewpoint). A fuller disclaimer is available.

Rebecca just got a job as a professional DJ for AMS Entertainment, and in her post celebrating her successful certification, mentioned that she’d had to take a test to get the job. This struck my sense of humor, and has prompted the following exchange…

Rebecca:

I just passed the test today, I’m finally a certified DJ for AMS Entertainment!! My first event is this Saturday afternoon!

Me:

…there’s a test for DJ’ing? (boggle) Is it multiple choice?

Pressing your fingers against the record as it’s playing will:

  1. increase the tempo.
  2. decrease the tempo.
  3. break the turntable.
  4. hurt. A lot.

True or false?

True or false: “I Will Always Love You” will create a perfect segue from “Baby Got Back”.

Or maybe just fill in the blank?

The dance floor was empty until I played a back-to-back set of “The ________ Slide” and everybody’s favorite, “The Chicken _____“, then the place was jumpin’!

(laughs)

Okay…maybe not.

Rebecca:

LOL! That’s hilarious.

The test was similar, although… it filled me with anxiety because I would have been utterly shattered had I failed it.

They ask me questions like “What year was our company founded?” and “What are the 5 things you should NEVER do at an event?” “What are the 6 steps we take to ensure our customers receive exceptional service?” “Why do we have a dress code?” “What are the 4 components of sound?” “What is a ‘set’ of music?” And on and on.

Me:

What year was our company founded?

The year after your company was losted.

What are the 5 things you should NEVER do at an event?

  1. Sneak up behind the bride (fiancee, mother[-in-law], or any other guest of honor), snap her bra strap, yell “GOTCHA!!!!” and run away giggling manaically.
  2. Spike the provided punch with LSD, PCP, or other highly-potent hallucinogenics. Only low-grade drugs such as marijuana or quaaludes are officially condoned at events. Never crack — that’s a ghetto drug.
  3. Switch the wires on the Karaeoke machine so that the music track for Neil Diamond’s “Red Red Wine” is presented with the lyrics to Skinny Puppy’s “VX Gas Attack”.
  4. The Chicken Dance.
  5. Count how many times you can make the drunk guests fall over with sudden, drastic tempo changes.

What are the 6 steps we take to ensure our customers receive exceptional service?

  1. Forward,
  2. back,
  3. forward,
  4. back,
  5. slide left,
  6. slide right and twist 90 degrees to the left. Repeat.

Why do we have a dress code?

Because it’s funny to try to watch people figure out the code. If we actually wrote it out in English, we wouldn’t have as much fun laughing at them when they show up in bowling shoes, rubber lederhosen, pasties, and gimp mask.

What are the 4 components of sound?

  1. Bass,
  2. drums,
  3. guitar,
  4. lyrics by Barry Manilow.

What is a ‘set’ of music?

The trick that’s taught right before a ‘stay’ of music, a ‘roll over’ of music, and a ‘play dead’ of music (also known as ‘playing “Ice Ice Baby” before everyone’s three sheets to the wind’).

Do I pass? :D

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