The Ten Commandments of Clubbing

Originally written by sirriamnis:

I. Thou shalt have thy ID.

I don’t care if the staff knows you. I don’t care if you know the owner. I don’t care if you’re fifty. I don’t care if you’re the Pope. ID. You must have your ID on you when you are in a bar in the state of Washington. And if you don’t have it, why not? Didn’t you know you were coming to a bar?

II. Thou shalt get out of the bar staff’s way.

If you see someone coming toward you carrying a bunch of glasses, a bus tub or a mop, do not just stand there in drunken puzzlement and awe. MOVE! Oh, and moving an eighth of an inch in one direction or another is not moving. Get the fuck out of the way.

III. Thou shalt not dance with cigarettes.

It does not make you appear sultry, alluring or continental. At best you look clueless and white trash. At worst you look like an inconsiderate jerk who doesn’t care if they burn someone or ruin someone else’s clothes.

IV. Thou shalt not tip badly or not at all and then hit on the bartender.

Because of what we do for a living, we do judge people on how they tip. If you tip one of us a quarter or not at all, don’t bother hitting on us. If you don’t think enough of us to tip, you obviously don’t think enough of us to date us. We’re just going to humiliate you publicly. This is a special exemption to Commandment IX.

V. Thou shalt not interfere with the bouncing staff.

When throwing someone out, the bouncers are doing their job. Do not argue with them because the person they are throwing out is your friend. You are not a lawyer, and they don’t care. And if you are a lawyer, you should be smart enough to know A. when your buddy is being a drunken ass, and B. That Washington State grants businesses the right to refuse service to anyone, as long as their decision is not motivated by race, gender, religion or sexual preference.

VI. Thou shalt not make inappropriate song requests.

Do I go to country and western bars and demand they play the Sex Pistols? No. Do not come to a Goth/Industrial club and request the Dixie Chicks. And especially do not get huffy when the DJ laughs in your face. He probably assumes you’re joking. You’d have to be, right?

VII. Thou shalt not drink on the dance floor.

See Commandment III and think about spills and broken glass on the floor under your feet in those thin-soled shoes. Besides would YOU want to wind up wearing anyone else’s drink? I thought not.
Sub-commandment: Thou shalt also not set thy drinks on the dance floor for the same reasons.

VIII. Thou shalt not touch others without permission.

One would think this to be unnecessary and self-explanatory, however the number of clam heads that have to be thrown out for this says otherwise. Apart from being rude and demonstrating what a completely classless fuck you are, in Washington State groping, pinching and other unwanted sexual contact are considered Sexual Assault and they will put you in the Pokey for that.
Also, do not assume because someone lets other people touch them that this gives you the green light as well. If you don’t know that person, HANDS OFF! And I don’t care what they are wearing.

IX. Thou shalt take no for an answer.

Persistence is annoying in puppies too. When a girl/guy says they’re not interested, pick up your wounded pride, go off to lick your wounds, and try again with someone else.
Also, making a nasty rejoinder to someone who was kind or neutral while brushing you off does not make you appear witty, funny or more desirable. It makes you look like a great, big, steaming pile of shit.
This goes both ways. If someone works up the courage to hit on you and you are not interested, a simple no will suffice. Anything more mean-spirited than that and you have crossed the line into cunt-dom and deserve all the verbal abuse you get.

X. Thou shalt leave at closing time.

The ugly lights of harsh reality are on.
The bar staff are clearing drinks and glasses.
This is not up for debate.
Do not argue.
Do not resist.
Just get your shit and go.

All of it seems pretty obvious to me, but I can’t count the number of times when I’ve wished that more people had these in their head. Bunch o’ savages in this town….