Alaskan Barbies

A new (to me) variation of an old joke. This particular version will likely only be amusing to those who’ve lived in Anchorage at some point. Others may find it a handy guide to Anchorage’s neighborhoods. ;)

Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MPV membership. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

South Anchorage Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women. Available at Costco.

Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, ’78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash — preferably small bills, unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawnshops.

Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie’s apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lipgloss and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie’s Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Gangsta Ken and his ’82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Downtown Barbie

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap-on parts. Walks to work. Likes to “experiment”, but will never commit. This model is being phased-out and is only available from the manufacturer