A bit of silliness here. A few months back, Prairie and I went to see Monty Python’s Spamalot when it was here in Seattle. In the programs, where you’d expect to find the show information and cast/creator bios, there was instead very Pythonesque information about ‘Bin Faaarkrekkion’s New Moosical, Dik Od Triaanenen Fol (Finns Ain’t What They Used to Be)‘. The actual Spamalot information was a few pages back in the program, of course. Here, though, for those who may not get to see Spamalot onstage, is the skinny on ol’ Bin Faaarkrekkion.
BJÖRN HABER UND BJÖRK BOYETT mit VLAD THE IMPALER WANKEL
Fannnii Oopsaatli, Mooni Murikkikonnen and Ni-Jerkk Productions
In association with
The Flying Finns Areial Ballet, Rovaniemi Traffic Police, Border Guards for Christ and The International Friends of the Sauna
Present
A Ruudo Kokki — Lapp Cheese Council Production OfBIN FAAARKREKKION’S NEW MOOSICAL
DIK OD TRIAANENEN FOL
(Finns Ain’t What They Used to Be)Book by
Bin Faaarkrekkion
From an idea by
Sid, Coco and Edith Piaf
Lyrics by
Hutti Jaarvennianen,
Walli Maatritiiiaaaeenioon
and
Jiggi Ni.The story, in music and song, of Finland’s transformation from a predominantly rural agricultural base to one of the most sophisticated industrial and entrepreneurial economies in the world.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
“These Little Finns Remind Me of You”
“Milk It”
“I Hear Your Nokia But I Can’t Come In”
“Milk It (Reprise)”
“It’s a Bleeding (Economic) Miracle!”
“Foek You, Farmers”
“Milk It (Finale)”THE ACTION TAKES PLACE ENTIRELY IN A SAUNA.
DIK OD TRIAANENEN FOL WILL BE PERFORMED WITH THREE INTERMISSIONS: ONE EVERY TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS.
Featuring the show-stopping, foot-stomping East Finland Moose Ballet — 45 magnificent creatures in high-stepping harmony. believed to be the greatest display of horn ever seen on an American stage.
THE CAST
BIN FAAARKREKKION (Writer). Faarkrekkion’s career typifies the Finnish economic miracle. Born the son of a humble woodcutter, Bin worked his way up through shrubbery management to become Professor of Treadmill Dynamics at the University of Toooti, believed to be the 28th most northerly university in the world. “I have always been interested in the relatively rapid transition from a predominantly rural agricultural base to one of the most advanced industrial economies in the Western world, and one day in the sauna, it came to me: What a great subject for a musical.”
RUUDI KOKKI (Producer). Like Bin Faaarkrekkion, Kokki’s life has had its twists and turns. He learnt his trade up country where he was, for a time, the 28th most northerly person in Finland. “My father was a humble woodcutter. but at these latitudes, where it is dark for half the year, this was a very dangerous business, as it was not always possible to see where the trees are falling — and one year my father brought down a huge spruce on top of his friend Nee-Wom, partly killing him.” Kokki’s father would never touch a tree again. He would hang about the cabin nursing his grief, rocking backwards and forwards and listening to the hated Swedish group Abba. “My loathing of Abba, and their enormous earnings, led me to my first musical venture, the formation of an alternative Finnish group: udda. Two boys, two girls and, my master-stroke, one hermaphrodite, Ken-Angela Nuuti.” Udda’s problems are now well known. Shiiti refused to share a towel with Noggi, Bonk complained that Tuulivaarskinonen’s name was bigger on the door and Ken-Angela turned out to be Norwegian. Kokki changed his name to Art Polaris and wrote Do Skleeezwiaanaenblon, an erotic opera set amongst the winkle pickers on Finland’s Baltic Sea coast. The show closed after only eight minutes. The sight of 94 aroused winkles was too much even for Helsinki’s liberal Ghooti Sponen newspaper. “Do Skleeezwiaanaenblon gives Finnish erotic opera a bad name. i’ve seen more erotic activity at a builder’s yard.” Undaunted, Kokki set to work on an erotic opera set in a builder’s yard. Di Hoviekrekkertilllniamen, the story of a young female crane operator who pleasures herself during preliminary works connected with the extension of Helsinki’s Metro system, was an instant hit. “I discovered, for the first time, how many people were interested in the extension of the Metro system, and in the burgeoning Finnish economy generally.” Kokki set himself a new task, to represent this extraordinary economic transformation in music, dance, mime and magic. One night he was explaining his plans at the exclusive Sons of Humble Woodcutter’s Club in the chic Kongspalatzen, when a fellow diner pricked up his ears. His name was bin Faaarkrekkion. The rest is history.
DILLI AARNEN. Dilli, 43, began her career understudying Speeni Solkomen in The Keith Richard Story. She’s married to producer Mooni Moorikikinen but is having an affair with Ost Fwellok and Stubbi Bwenolllenson. She has won four Golden Nukkies.
SWELL PEST. Swell is best known for his portrayal of Gossi Tweshonen, the unsighted bus driver in FinnTV’s hit series “Aaarghh! Villianomeniaanen Schiederrbobrana Ig” (“Watch Out!”). He lives in the woods many miles north of Helsinki in a house modeled on Steve Earle’s early hit “Guitar Town.”
SAD AAARSE. As well as being Finland’s open unicycle champion, Sadd is a keen environmentalist, who believes that man has much to learn from the moose. “We think we have all the answers, but we don’t. If we did we’d have horns.” He has twice won the Shapeless Gray Thing of Tampere.
THE HONNI OBIKKIONEN SINGERS. Twelve boys, seven girls and an ostrich who all met up at utsjoki Cold Research Institute in the extreme north of Finland. “There was not much to do in the evenings but sneeze,” laughs Honni, now 57, “so we used to cheer everyone up with a few Leonard Cohen songs. They went down so well that we now do Tom Waits, Tibetan songs for the dead and Petula Clark.” A little-known fact about the Honni Obikkionen Singers is that they once had two ostriches in the team.
STONG VATTIAAANIKKERA (Moose Trainer). Stong, twice winner of the most westerly man in Finland, grew up with moose. “Very often I would go down to breakfast and find moose in the kitchen, in the car and sometimes listening to the radio, dressed up to look like my mother and father.” During almost a decade of psychiatric treatment, Song took up ballet as a way of dealing with what he called “bad thoughts.” The treatment worked, and Stong took, and on the third time passed, accountancy exams. He returned to the community and rose to become CEO and lifetime president of the Finnish Steel Corporation. What few people knew was that in the evening Stong was combining the two “loves of my life”: moose and ballet. Without anyone knowing, he hired a theatre and put on his very on creation, Moose Lake. As a result he was re-admitted to hospital where, despite everyone’s best efforts, he wrote and scored 12 more moose ballets. Now 88 years old and a trim 193 pounds, Stong believes his time has come. “For years I was laughed at. I only hope I will be again tonight.”
TANAKA ING (Director). The only non-Finn in the company, Ing has a long history in experimental theatre, including Churchill’s History of the English Speaking People in mime, a salsa version of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and a puppet version of The U.S. Population Census of 1973. A great tennis lover, Ing went to Finland for a contemplation weekend and found himself hooked. “I love trees and always have, and in Finland there are something like a thousand trees for each person. I also like the bits in between them, which allow you to walk around the trees without hitting them. I hope I can do my bit to make the world sing along with the remarkable transformation from a predominantly conservative rural base to one of the most advanced industrial economies in the Western world.” Ing’s next project is to drain Lake Michigan for a day.
Patrons are asked not to smoke or speak Swedish in the theatre. Please use cell phones whenever possible.
CREDITS
Bicycle hire by O Vienhonhennin. Live chickens by Barry Vig. Cigarettes by De Mornay. Penises by Vic and Wilf. Miss Aarnen’s writing paper by Bureau de Monde. Animal costumes by Wolf out Fitz. Boys’ shackles by Chain-Me. Moose costumes by Rump’s Pelt.
The producers, and their wives, wish to thank Olli Brun Executive Ski-Wear, The “Verri-Big” Gold Watch Company, Bahama Villas, The Flying Butler, Chirac Champagne Cellars, The Sapphire Salon and Frank’s Viagra Warehouse.
COME TO FINLAND
If you’ve enjoyed this production, why not hop on a plane and see Finland for yourself? It is such a lovely place. (Mostly flat but with some raised bits.) Quite warm sometimes in the south, though on the whole colder in the north. There are some paper mills. The roads have relatively few bumps. All hotels have curtains. Things are very clean, but not pathologically so. It’s a great place for trees. Alongside the trees you will find other trees, which blend into a forest running for a thousand miles. If you’ve never seen a forest running, then Finland is the place for you. And don’t believe anyone who says you can’t get tomatoes there. Of course you can. And bags to put them in. It all adds up to a must-see experience.