Martha Stewart’s Pagan Yule

A friend of mine forwarded me this while I was gone…thought it was pretty funny. If you’re not of a Christian faith, how well did you follow the guidelines?

December 1: Bury turkey carcass from Thanksgiving under the Holly tree to thank the tree for the six bushels of branches pruned to decorate the halls with. Draw Pentagram in the dirt with silver dust to prevent pet She-Wolf from digging up the bones.

December 2: Order 20 cases of Irish whiskey to be left for the Good Folk on Yule. Re-bury turkey carcass, re-do Pentagram in gold dust.

December 3: Draw Pentagram on each sheet of toilet paper using silver marker for that festive holiday touch. Have staff re-roll the paper onto Victorian “crackers” for that surprise element. Re-bury carcass, consecrate concrete block, spray paint with gold and use as planter for poinsettia. Place over carcass.

December 4: Take She-Wolf to vet for eating poinsettia. Send out telepathic party invitations to 200 witches, shamans and druids for the Yule Party.

December 5: Ex- mother in law’s birthday. Send Victoria’s Secret nightgown rubbed with stinging nettle. Begin receiving telepathic RSVP’s for Yule Party.

December 6: Hand dip 365 gold candles for Yule party. Consecrate using Sacred Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan Yule Oils found at a K-Mart near YOU! Have staff clean up the mess. Pick up She-Wolf at vet.

December 7: Harvest herbs from the garden and hand crochet 200 herb pillows for guests. Stuff with the microwaved dried herbs.

December 8: Have the staff get their arms tattooed with suns now so there will be time for the redness to disappear in time for the party. Have staff decorate the Yule Tree.

December 9: Repaint Nativity Scene so figures represent Isis, Osiris, and Osiris. Re-bury turkey. Take She-Wolf to the pound. Buy new wolf pup. Hire dog trainer.

December 10-11: Fly to Europe to grub for truffles. Pick up whisky at the Irish distillery on the way back.

December 12: Use Dremel tool to carve chalices out of quartz crystal balls for the party. Roll the hand dipped candles in the crystal dust to make them sparkle.

December 13: Coven meeting! Get symbolically pregnant by the HP during symbolic Great Rite ritual. Give hand forged Athames as gifts to coven members.

December 14: Get six foot Yule Log from the local land co-op. Decorate with holly, ivy and hand dipped candles rolled in the crystal dust.

December 15: See herbalist for private itching that has been going on since last coven meeting. Burn all undergarments. Have factory send new ones in red and green.

December 16: Daughter home from college. Send her to herbalist, too. Invite local fauna to graze on the front lawn for decoration and hang wreaths over their necks.

December 17: Climb great oak and cut mistletoe using golden sickle. Leave hand cast silver coins at base in thanks. Burn sage now to cleanse house so the smell will be gone in time for the party. Pick up golden robe at dry cleaners and pack in lavender.

December 18: Appear on Oprah to show my support of her coming out of the broom closet. Bake chocolate moon pies with banana cream filling, symbolic of the return of the sun. Bake “stained glass” Pentacle cookies.

December 19: Bake brownies laced with valerian and give to fundamentalist neighbor. Butcher, gut and pluck 150 pheasants from the backyard coop and marinate in consecrated wine. Harvest wild rice from the patty out back.

December 20: Yule party. Carve sliced carrot to resemble miniature suns. Put red die in the men’s toilet tanks, green in the women’s toilet tanks. Have staff do the cooking while I dress in my ceremonial robe. When guests and TV crew arrive, assume meditative pose.

December 21: Dawn – give birth to symbolic sun god on the dining room table as the guests and TV crew look on. After guests leave, collect empty whisky bottles drunk by the good folk and recycle. Take a nap and dream of what I’ll do for Imbolc.

Back in Seattle

Well, I’ve made it back. I didn’t get a chance to update more during the weekend, and I’m too tired to do a full update now…but it was a good weekend. Saw some friends, met Candice’s family, she met mine, all went well. The flight home was much better than the flight to Ak, which was a great relief — though I don’t think I’ll ever be completely comfortable with flying again. Grrr. Ah, well.

In any case, I’m back, and I’ll babble more about things later on, I’m sure. Hope everyone else had a good Christmas too!

Back in Anchorage

Welp, I made it to Anchorage — although, to be honest, I really didn’t think I would for a while. I had the single worst flight I’ve ever been on on the way up. Most of it went fine, but then about half an hour before we touched down, we hit the worst turbulence I’ve ever gone through, plus multiple air pockets where the airplane would suddenly drop for a couple seconds before it caught lift again. I’ve got to say, that was the most all-out terrified I’ve ever been — one drop I might have made it through with just being a little frightened, but when it kept happening over and over, I really started to freak out. I was completely convinced that we were going down — especially when after it started happening, and when the captain came on the intercom, rather than telling us something about how we’d hit some turbulence and would we please all sit down (which, while it would be stating the obvious, would have been somewhat reassuring), all he said was, “would the flight crew please sit down and buckle in now.” Not encouraging.

However, we did make it through (after feeling the plane drop out from underneath me way too many times), and eventually landed in Anchorage. I’ve never been so happy to get off an airplane in my life. It’s kind of frustrating really — I’ve never been scared of flying before. Now I’m nervous about getting on the plane back to Seattle in a few days. I will — but I’m a lot more antsy about it now than I would have been otherwise. I’m probably not the only one, either, as I heard many of the other passengers commenting that none of them had ever been through something that bad — turbulence, sure, but never fifteen minutes of continued extremely heavy turbulence with four or five air pockets. I never want to have to go through that again.

In any case, once we were down and got off the plane, parents met me outside the gates. We headed down to the baggage claim to pick up my one piece of checked luggage — my umbrella. I’d taken it with me out of habit this morning when I went to work, and since it’s a full-size umbrella with an inch and a half long metal tip, the airlines made me check it in rather than letting me keep it with me as a carryon. Unfortunately, the baggage handlers at Sea-Tac forgot to actually load it on my plane, so it’ll be getting delivered here to my parents’ house sometime tomorrow. I didn’t even have any real luggage and they managed to lose it!

Once we got back to the house it was around 12:30am and parents were pretty beat, so they went right to bed. I called Candice, and the two of us met up at VINL. We stayed there until about 2:30 or so, when we both decided that we had better go home until we passed out right there in the booths. We each headed back to our respective families’ houses…and here I am.

And now that this update is in…bedtime for bonzo. G’night folks!

Argh…

Well, I was experimenting a bit with the layout of the site, and managed to more or less hose things fairly well. So…things don’t look quite right at the moment. I’ll try to get them straightened out as soon as I can, but not sure when that’ll be — tomorrow night is Lord of the Rings, so I’ll be home late. Grrrr….

Two quick things

One silly that popped into my head: why is the plural of box ‘boxes’ when the plural of ox is ‘oxen’? You just have to love the English language, don’t you?

Second thing — Moulin Rouge! Yay! Picked it up today at lunch…now I just can’t wait to get home so I can watch it. Future project: creating my own 2-CD soundtrack by running my DVD’s audio output into my computer so that I can burn the entire movie to audio CD. The official soundtrack is certainly wonderful, but there were so many other songs that I wanted to be able to listen to…and now I’ll have them! Woohoo!

Six months in Seattle!

Woohoo! I was just about to go to bed when I realized that as of today (well…the 16th), I’ve been living in Seattle for six months! In that six months, I’ve found a solid 40-hour a week job with good possibilities for getting permanently hired on with Xerox at some point in the future; I’ve found a cute little apartment right near the Capitol Hill district; I’m earning enough money to be able to afford a high speed DSL connection to the Internet; and I’ve found myself a really wonderful girlfriend.

I think it’s official — I’ve managed to duck the Hellraiser chains that drag so many people back to Alaska when they try to leave.

It’s astounding, time is fleeting…

Okay, so sure, I haven’t actually posted any real content since my site came back online…but I just stumbled across this, and am completely jazzed about how cool it is.

Google just added the ability to search through Usenet postings — 20 years of postings, actually, dating back to 1981! I’m afraid it would be all to easy for me to spend hours searching through this. I did take a couple minutes on lunch to do an ego search, and came up with a bunch of neat stuff from when I was active on Usenet. Discussions on whether the Borg might be related to V’Ger, nine inch nails fans in Alaska, good introductions to Taoism, introducing myself to the alt.music.nin newsgroup (and again), and my earliest returned post was apparently posted February 9, 1994 about live nine inch nails cd’s. Yikes. Anyway…really fun toy to play with.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

Rock on — looks like I’ll be heading home for Christmas! Just got done talking with dad…we don’t have the final details yet, but it looks like I’ll be taking a cab straight from work to the airport on the 21st, flying out of Seattle at about 7:45pm, be in Anchorage until Christmas day, and fly out of Anchorage to come back about 6:45pm on the 25th. Can’t stay any longer than that, unfortunately, because of my work schedule, but at least it’ll be better than missing out entirely. So, I’ll actually be back in Anchorage.

Hm.

Village Inn, here I come!

Paying bills is such fun

Well, okay, so that’s a lie. It’s not much fun at all. But, it’s rather nice when I make it through a round of paying rent, bills, and balancing my checkbook, and still having $572.53 left in my Washington Mutual accounts. Plus whatever I’ve got in my Ak USA accounts, which I’m not touching except for paying my DSL bill once that starts coming in…I’m actually managing to get to a point where I really think I can survive down here on my own two feet. Pretty darn spiffy.

Last night after I got off work Candice picked me up and we headed out to her college so that I could meet some of her friends and see the college band play. Was a nice evening — I got to put faces to some of the names she’d been telling me about and take a look around the campus, which was neat. One really funny thing — one of the girls going to her school is someone I was in German class with back at Bartlett High School. I don’t think she ever recognised me, though….

So that was about it…home by 10:30 or so, in bed about midnight. Not the most exciting stuff in the world, I suppose, but that’s the way my life goes.