Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Back in 1973…

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This is fun: THE movie timeline.

So here’s the pitch: The Movie Timeline is the history of everything, taken from one simple premise: that everything you see in the movies is true – the real mixes with the fictitious, so long as it’s reported in a movie somewhere…

In 1973, the year I was born:

  • January 1: 12:01am – The Poseidon, a luxury liner on its last voyage from Athens to New York, is struck by a 90ft tidal wave and capsizes (The Poseidon Adventure, 1972)
  • Bobby Darin dies (Beyond The Sea)
  • New York – William Miller and Penny Lane go on tour with Stillwater (Almost Famous)
  • Las Vegas – Sam “Ace” Rothstein begins running a casino (Casino)
  • The Ice Storm
  • The Long Goodbye
  • Astronauts travel 3000 years into the future and bring back talking apes, who are killed by the police and the investigation files sealed (Planet of the Apes)
  • March 15: George McFly wins a writing award, or is killed, depending on the timeline (Back To The Future Part II)
  • June: Mossad debriefs a killer it may or may not have hired (Munich)

And in 1976, the year both Prairie and my brother Kevin were born:

  • January 4: Rocky Balboa shocks the boxing world by lasting 15 rounds with heavyweight champ Apollo Creed – though Creed wins (Rocky)
  • King Kong is again discovered on Skull Island and let loose – again – on New York City (King Kong, 1976)
  • Atlanta, Georgia – Bo “Bandit” Darvill and Cledus “Snowman” Snow bring 400 cases of Coors beer 1800 miles from Texarkana to Atlanta in less than 28 hours, winning $80,000 (Smokey and the Bandit)
  • Israeli officer Avner is debriefed by Mossad (Munich)
  • Rocky Balboa marries Adrian and they have s son, Robert “Rocky” Jr (Rocky II)
  • Summer – Dazed and Confused
  • July 4: Coeur d’Alene Indian Reservation, Idaho – Arnold Joseph saves infant Thomas Builds-The-Fire from a burning house (Smoke Signals)
  • July 8: Hannibal Lecter savages a nurse during a medical examination (Red Dragon)
  • September 8: Howard The Duck arrives on Earth (Howard The Duck)
  • November 25: Philadelphia – Rocky Balboa knocks out Apollo Creed in the 15th round in their rematch (Rocky II)
  • November 26: The Band perform their last concert together (The Last Waltz)

Who knew things were so eventful back then?

iTunes “Stay” by Shakespear’s Sister from the album Hormonally Yours (1991, 3:48).

Only in Alaska…

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Apparently, my hometown has been in the midst of a Mayoral campaign. Since I don’t live in Anchorage anymore, I didn’t know anything about this until today, when a short post on my Dad’s site listed the current vote tallies.

I have to admit, I’m a little bummed. It looks like current Mayor Mark Begich has won re-election, with 55% of the vote — and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.

What disappoints me is that while the runner-up got a fairly respectable 41% of the vote, by not electing him, Anchorage, Alaska (the largest city in a state known primarily for the ice and snow of its winter months) has lost the opportunity to have Jack Frost as a mayor.

You know, you couldn’t introduce an Alaskan mayoral candidate with the name of Jack Frost in a fiction novel without your editor kicking the manuscript back to you with his name circled in bright red permanent mark and a “you’ve got to be kidding me” notation in the margin. And yet here we are, with the real thing.

Now I just have to figure out which Anchorage political race amuses me more: the 2006 Mayoral election with Jack Frost as a candidate, or the 2002 Republican primary for Turnagain district 26 which gave voters a choice between Strait and Gay.

I’m glad I don’t live there anymore — but as I often say, Anchorage really is a wonderful place to be from.

iTunes “There Must Be an Angel (Playing With My Heart)” by Eurythmics from the album Eurythmics Greatest Hits (1985, 5:22).

No Sakuracon for Me

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I’d mentioned before that I was planning on heading downtown today to wander around Sakuracon and get some shots of the various cosplay kids. As it turns out, I’d actually forgotten to ask for today off from work…so that won’t be happening. Oops.

On the other hand, photos from Sakuracon are starting to show up on Flickr…and maybe I’m not missing all that much?

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Monty Python’s Lord of the Rings

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One of my favorite old pre-web ‘net institutions was the Internet Oracle. You’d send a message off to the Oracle, and the Oracle would answer your question. In return, you’d have to answer a later question someone else had sent to the Oracle, thus becoming the Oracle yourself. Not very surprisingly, in-jokes, puns, and general absurdity are highly prized when crafting Oracle answers.

I’d more or less forgotten about the Oracle until Phil dropped a link to the Internet Oracle website into my del.icio.us inbox today.

Immediately, I went to the most recent “best of the Oracle” digest (I used to have a whole collection of their “best of” digests), and found this gem:

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oh Oracle most amazing wonderful, I grovel before your sheer brilliance
and wit, whose puns not even Noel Coward on his best day could have
matched,

What is a good question to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about
Monty Python’s Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they
hadn’t asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so
nicely, here it is.

Aragorn: I am the rightful King of Gondor!
Woman: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
A: You don’t vote for kings.
W: How’d you get to be king then?
A: I am the descendant through sixty generations, father to son, of
Elendil of Numenor. Here is Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, and
is now reforged!
Dennis: Inheriting a three-thousand-year-old bit of tin from your
great-grandad is no basis for a system of government.
A: Be quiet!
D: I mean, if I went round saying I was Lord of Moria because I owned a
rusty hatchet, they’d lock me up!
A: Shut up!
D: Ah! See the violence inherent in the system! Help! I’m being
repressed!
A: Bloody peasant!

How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away

Number One: The Larch.

Gimli: Is Ori here?
Orc: No.
G: Is Fror?
O: No.
G: Nali?
O: Dead.
G: Loni?
O: Gone.
G: Floi?
O: No.
G: Are there in fact any dwarves left in Moria at all?
O: No. I was deliberately wasting your time.
G: I see. In that case I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut your head
off.
O: Fair enough.

Number One: The Larch.

Aragorn: Now stand aside!
Lurtz: That’s just a scratch.
A: I cut your arm off!
L: No you didn’t!
A: What’s that, then?
L: Just a flesh wound.
A: Fine. [chops Lurtz’s other arm off] Victory is mine!
L: Come on! Have at you!
A: You’ve got no arms, you stupid orc!
L: Yes, I have!
A: Look!
L: I’ve had worse.
A: I don’t have time for this. [cuts Lurtz’s head off]
L: Oh? Call it a draw.

Number One: The Larch.

Gandalf: How long is it since Saruman bought you?
Wormtongue: Gee, I didn’t expect a kind of Orcish Inquisition.
[The doors of the hall burst open, and three Uruk-Hai enter.]
Ugluk: NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main
weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman.
THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms… I’ll come
in again.

Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine.

Bridge keeper: Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Frodo: Ask me the questions. I am not afraid.
BK: What… is your name?
FB: Frodo Baggins.
BK: What… is your quest?
FB: To destroy the One Ring!
BK: What… is your favourite colour?
FB: Blue!
BK: Right. Off you go.
Sam: That’s easy!
BK: What… is your name?
SG: Samwise Gamgee.
BK: What… is your quest?
SG: To destroy the One Ring.
BK: What… is the capital of Assyria?
SG: [pause] A!
BK: Smart-arse. Go along, then.
Gollum: Ask us!
BK: What… is your name?
G: We’s Smeagol!
BK: What… is your quest?
G: To get the Precious!
BK: What… have I got in my pocket?
G: [pause] We don’t know that! Aiieeee!

You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan’s army banging coconut halves
together.

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer.
It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice
words added. Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk.

Dear Sir,
I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a
LUMBERJACK!

Colonel: Stop that! It’s silly!

iTunes “Dream Baby (Nocturnal)” by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult from the album Sexplosion! (1992, 7:05).

Garth Brooks is a Gateway Drug

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Neither Prairie nor I are big fans of country, but we both listen to a little bit. Last night I’d popped on a compilation I made a few years ago as background music while I was cleaning house, and still had it going when Prairie came home. It turned out that she knew every song on the CD as well, and we had fun listening to some of the songs and chatting about what got us started listening to country.

In my case, while dad had some small part in it (he’s not a big country listener either, but his LP collection is responsible for introducing me to Johnny Cash when I was a youngster), it can all be blamed attributed to some of my ex-girlfriends. They listened to some, I happened to be around, and I ended up discovering that there actually was some country music that I enjoyed listening to.

Prairie can also blame credit an ex for the songs that she found that she likes. In each case, though, one of the primary artists we found was Garth Brooks. I mentioned that I’d often noticed when talking to people that, if they had even a little bit of country in their collection, there was a pretty good chance that Garth would be in there somewhere, if not the sole representative.

Which led to the realization that Garth Brooks is a gateway drug.

So now you know, kids.

Don’t do Garth.

Herewith, then, is a selection of country music approved by me (and, in most cases, by Prairie, also). It’s pretty much entirely the fun, upbeat style of country…I just can’t get into the ballads.

  1. Toby Keith, How Do You Like Me Now?
  2. Jodee Messina, I’m Alright
  3. Garth Brooks, Two Piña Coladas
  4. Mary Chapin Carpenter, Down at the Twist and Shout
  5. Clay Walker, Then What?
  6. Dolly Parton, Why’d You Come In Here Lookin’ Like That?
  7. Clint Black, Only On Days That End In ‘Y’
  8. Reba McEntire, Fancy
  9. Joe Diffe, Third Rock From the Sun
  10. Shania Twain, Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You)
  11. Tim McGraw, Something Like That
  12. Lee Ann Womack, I’ll Think of a Reason Later
  13. John Michael Montgomery, Sold (The Grundy County Auction Incident)
  14. Trisha Yearwood, She’s In Love With the Boy
  15. Brad Paisley, Me Neither
  16. Collin Raye, Little Red Rodeo
  17. Reba McEntire, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia
  18. Rick Trevino, Bobby Ann Mason
  19. John Michael Montgomery, Life’s a Dance
  20. Trick Pony, Pour Me
  21. Rodney Crowell with Johnny Cash, I Walk the Line (Revisited)
  22. Dixie Chicks, Goodbye Earl

iTunes “I Walk the Line Revisited” by Crowell, Rodney with Cash, Johnny (2:43).

schrodingerscat

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I was just looking over the list of tags used on my site in the past month as displayed on my archives page, when one tag in particular suddenly gave me the giggles. A simple mis-parsing, and I ended up with two competing definitions for the same tag.

schrodingerscat can categorize entries related to:

  1. The famous quantum mechanics thought experiment involving a cat in a box proposed by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger (“schrodingers cat”);
  2. The fecal matter produced by said Austrian physicist (“schrodinger scat”).

This was far, far too funny for a few minutes.

No Woman, No Fly

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Just added to the Jason Webley Bootlegs collection: No Woman, No Fly (5.1Mb .mp3). The audio quality isn’t the greatest (with Jason’s penchant for going from soft to screaming in nanoseconds, the recording’s a bit overdriven in places), but it’s up.

Thanks to usernamenumber for posting the .mp3, and to RobTav63 for help with the lyrics.

Lyrics follow behind the cut.

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