Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

by

Funny stuff from the Onion…

Psychiatrists in select cities nationwide have reported a surge in Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder cases following the Dec. 22 release of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom Of The Opera.

“We’re seeing a barrage of psychological consequences in those who have been exposed to the violently overblown acting and protracted, heightened emotions in The Phantom Of The Opera,” said Bill Lambert, a psychology professor at the University of Chicago. “After such intense abuse of their artistic sensibilities, melodrama victims are finding themselves plagued by extreme sentimentality, flashbacks to especially torturous scenes, and canned-emotional detachment.”

According to Lambert, a good portion of PMSD sufferers are experiencing distress so great that it is interfering with their jobs as overweight receptionists, struggling fashion designers, and community-theater actors.

“PMSD sufferers walk through their days with the specter of an unnecessary musical number hanging over them like a mask,” Lambert said. “The prelude is constantly playing in their unconscious minds, threatening to crescendo into exaggerated, choreographed action at any moment. Anything can set them off: a chandelier, a strain of saccharine music, a gaudy outfit.”

Okay, okay, I’ll admit it — I actually like The Phantom of the Opera. It goes beyond that, too — I like quite a few of Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s musicals…in fact, I tend to like musicals. I’ve even seen quite a few of them on stage (Phantom, Cats [twice], Jesus Christ Superstar [three times], Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Tommy, Les Miserables).

In my defense, though (if a defense can even be mounted), I couldn’t help it. I’ve been brainwashed!

For a full ten years — some of the most formative years of my childhood, and nearly a third of my life to date — I was a member of the Alaska Children’s Choir (well, first I was a member of the Anchorage Boys Choir, then the Anchorage Girls and Boys Choir, then the Anchorage Children’s Choir, then the Alaska Children’s Choir). As such, I was exposed from an early age to a wide range of choral music, both classical and popular, and of course, the Webber repetoire was well-represented. There’s hardly a song in Webber’s most popular works that I don’t still have memorized, as if I wasn’t singing one piece or another in one of our concerts, I had the soundtrack albums at home.

Some of us just can’t be helped (though on the bright side, I’m probably immune to PMSD).

Of course, while I do like it, Phantom is hardly my favorite of Webber’s works. That honor is reserved for Jesus Christ Superstar, which is not only my favorite of Webber’s musicals, but my favorite musical across the board (though Chess does come in a very close second — pity I’ve never had a chance to see that one on stage). Three versions of the JCS soundtrack show up in my music collection (the original, the 20th Anniversary, and the Resurrection)…one notable version that I don’t own, though, is the actual soundtrack to the motion picture, for as good as the movie is visually, it is by far the worst version I’ve heard from a musical standpoint.

As far as the Phantom movie goes, I’m really not sure if I’m going to see it in the theater or not. As appealing as it sounds (speaking as an admitted fan of the show), two things worry me. The first is simply that Joel Schumacher is directing — but then, he has done things other than Batman and Robin, some of which I actually enjoy (The Lost Boys, Falling Down), so that doesn’t entirely rule things out right off the bat.

The bigger worry is simply that what I’ve heard of the music so far entirely fails to impress me. Admittedly, it’s only snippets in the trailer and 30-second samples on the iTunes Music Store, but the feeling I’ve gotten so far is that it may be falling into the same bin as the theatrical version of JCS, where the movie is fun visually, but disappointing musically.

So far, the reviews aren’t promising, either, as they seem to be boiling down to “if you already like Phantom, you’ll like it, otherwise, find something else to do.”

At the moment, I’m leaning towards renting — so I can’t be that rabid of a Webberphile, can I? ;)

(via Dad)

A Republican Christmas

by

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land,
not a critic was stirring, for stirring was banned.
A thousand brown prisoners, snug in their cells,
all held without charges or tinsel or bells;

And mamma was wrapped in the national flag,
while we sang “Where there’s never a boast or a brag.”
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the TV I flew like a flash;
I then watched “Survivor” and reruns of “Mash.”
The fireworks, exploding above the new snow,
gave a luster of objects to people below.

When what saw my wondering eyes in the flashes:
a miniature George Bush and eight tiny fascists!
Their jerseys were blue and said “WORLD DOMINATION”;
I knew right away this was not just claymation.

More rapid than eagles the warlords they came,
as the little Bush whistled and called them by name:
“Now, Daschle! now, Ashcroft! Now Strom, don’t relent!
On, Poindexter, Rumsfeld! on Henry and Trent!

To the top of the globe, while the crowd’s at the mall,
now bomb away, bomb away, bomb away all!”
His sack had a war game for each girl and boy;
his pocket, four billion from just Illinois.

Far up on his high seat the driver did mount,
with more massive weapons than Kofi could count.
And then, I heard sounds from away off somewhere,
the booming of bombs that were bursting in air.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
down the chimney old Dick Cheney came with a bound.
He said not a word, nor disclosed his location;
he wiretapped my house in the name of the nation.

Then holding the strings of his little Bush puppet,
he went to the chimney and quickly rose up it.
The sleigh was still running, but Dick didn’t hurry;
gas guzzlers, it seemed, were no longer a worry.

He popped the champagne and exclaimed as he served it,
“The world is now ours, and GOD DAMN, we deserve it!”

(via John)

Stupid Practical Jokes

by

News from Oregon of a practical joke gone wrong…

A couple of guys in Oregon who started drinking early in the morning thought it would be funny to stage a murder scene.

But by the end of the day, they weren’t laughing. They were jailed and so was their friend, the subject of the prank.

An alarmed Daniel Maerz told police he walked into the house and found 31-year-old Adam Vickers dead from a gunshot wound. He believed his friend had been killed by his roommate, Kyle Wisdom. After his emergency call, police rushed to the scene, ordering a lockdown of a nearby elementary school on their way.

But after realizing their house was surrounded by police, Vickers and the roommate decided they’d better go outside and explain it was all a joke intended to scare Maerz.

Vickers and Wisdom were jailed on charges including initiating a false report.

Maerz was also arrested, on a charge of methamphetamine possession. But police said he was happy to learn his friend wasn’t dead, even though he was upset with his friends for pulling the prank.

This reminded me of a couple stories I was told by a teacher I knew in high school — he wasn’t one of my teachers, but he was friends with another friend of mine, so we hung out a few times. The man had a somewhat odd sense of humor and a fondness for pranks, which landed him in trouble from time to time — and to be honest, I’m somewhat surprised he never got himself fired.

There were two stories he told us that I still remember (names have been changed, of course).

The first was actually somewhat similar to the above reported story. The teacher was a science teacher, so there was an auxiliary room attached to the classroom used for holding supplies.

One day he invited one of the students in to help him get some supplies, and then once they were in the room, he quickly explained what he had in mind. The two of them immediately started staging a huge ruckus, yelling at each other, banging on things, and generally making sure to get the attention of as many of the kids in the classroom as possible. After a few minutes, things got really quiet, as the student stretched out on the floor and the teacher doused him with some fake blood.

Unfortunately, when he opened the door, expecting to shock the group of students gathered around…it was the school’s principal of security who was the first to greet him.

Obviously, this didn’t go over very well. This wasn’t the worst unexpected outcome he told us about, though.

During one of his classes, he had a student that was apparently completely unable to stay awake during class. Whether she’d been out partying too late the night before, or just hadn’t had enough sleep, or just didn’t care enough to pay attention, he kept seeing her nod off. After seeing her head droop one too many times, he stopped the class for a moment and asked to talk to her.

“Look, Rachel, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m tired of seeing you falling asleep, and I don’t want you to do it again. But I want to make sure the other kids pay attention too…so we’re going to have some fun with this.

“After you go back to your seat, wait a few minutes, then start to nod off again. I’ll throw a fit, threaten you with detention, and you’ll promise not to do it again. Wait a few minutes, then start to droop one more time. This time, I’ll make sure none of the other kids are watching, come over, and pretend to slap you across the face to wake you up. We’ll have some fun, freak the other kids out — and then I want you to pay attention from now on, okay?”

She agreed, and went back to her seat.

A few minutes later, her head started to droop. Mr. Nolan immediately blew up. “Rachel! Dammit, I’ve told you too many times, I want you awake for my class! Now if you can’t stay awake and pay attention, I don’t want you here, and I’ll flunk you out. Do you understand me?”

Rachel nodded, and they went back to their lesson…for a few minutes.

Sure enough, not much later, she was nodding off again behind her book, and Mr. Nolan went nuts. He slammed his book down on the desk. “God_dammit_! Everyone! Page 356, now. Heads in your books, and I don’t want to see any of you looking at anything else.” As the kids scrambled to find the right page in their books, he stalked across the room to Rachel. “Look, I’ve told you before — Richard, eyes in your book, now — you’re in my class to learn, not to sleep. This is my classroom, and you will do as you’re told!” With that, he slapped his hands together, and Rachel went tumbling off her chair and onto the floor.

The classroom went dead.

Mr. Nolan turned and stalked back to the front of the room. All eyes were on Rachel as she shook herself off, got up off the floor, and sat back down in her chair. Mr. Nolan reached the front of the room, turned back around, and glared across the class room.

“Well, Rachel? Have you learned anything today?”

Rachel sat straight up in her chair, and looked her teacher dead in the eye.

“Yes, Mr. Nolan.

“Pain turns me on — do it again!”

Popular Public Potties

by

According to the PI, our new space-age public restrooms are a success:

Seattle’s automated public toilets program is flush with success, averaging more than 600 uses a day in Pioneer Square and near Pike Place Market.

The usage is “about 10 times higher than what is considered normal in Europe,” according to a report given to the City Council’s Utilities and Technology Committee yesterday.

I’ve still not used one of these things — but then, I’m still convinced that they’re eating people.

Cartoon Skeletons

by

Hello Kitty

This is good — an art exhibition of conceptual drawings of cartoon character skeletons.

Animation was the format of choice for children’s television in the 1960s, a decade in which children’s programming became almost entirely animated. Growing up in that period, I tended to take for granted the distortions and strange bodies of these entities.

I decided to take a select few of these popular characters and render their skeletal systems as I imagine they might resemble if one truly had eye sockets half the size of its head, or fingerless-hands, or feet comprising 60% of its body mass.

Pity I’m not in Portland to see the actual show!

(via MeFi)

Cover Tunes

by

Mike linking to this punk cover of Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’ reminded me of something that I had bouncing around in my head yesterday.

There’s no end of punk/goth/alternative/industrial covers of pop songs — KMFDM’s cover of U2’s ‘Mysterious Ways’, 1000 Mona Lisa’s take on Alanis Morisette’s ‘You Oughtta Know’, Bigod 20 doing Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’, and countless others (including the only-in-my-head, never-going-to-happen cover of Garth Brooks’ ‘Ain’t Goin’ Down ’til the Sun Comes Up’ by Ministry with guest vocals by Les Claypool).

I want it to go the other way.

I want to hear Britney Spears cover My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult’s ‘Days of Swine and Roses’ (“Christian zombie vampires!”). N*SYNC or whatever boy band is around taking on The Sisters of Mercy’s ‘Dominion/Mother Russia’. Janet Jackson’s version of the Violent Femme’s ‘Day After Day’. Eminem doing Concrete Blonde’s ‘Bloodletting’.

And so on.

It’ll never happen (the closest thing to this that I know of is Russian pseudo-lolita-lesbian duo t.A.T.u. doing Morrissey’s ‘How Soon is Now’), but I would so buy an album of covers like that.

iTunes “Jesus Christ Superstar” by Laibach from the album Jesus Christ Superstars (1997, 5:45).

Raise the roof!

by

Random silliness over IM tonight…

walkingoctopus: Shit, I’m such a technowhore.

Me: it’s a good thing in my world

walkingoctopus: Cam, digicam, mic, five consoles and a handheld…

Me: yikes
Me: hmm

walkingoctopus: And none of my consoles are online.
walkingoctopus: Haha.

Me: 3 ‘puters, webcam, digital camera, scanner, iPod

walkingoctopus: Hmm.
walkingoctopus: One computer.
walkingoctopus: /me looks around her room.
walkingoctopus: i’ll HAVE a sewing machine, that’s sort of electroncsy.

Me: “old skool” electronic…sorta

walkingoctopus: o/
walkingoctopus: I’m so Amish.

Me: ain’t no party like an Amish party ’cause an Amish party don’t stop
Me: and when they raise the roof, they really raise the roof
Me: barn roof, even

iTunes “All the Way Down” by Voltaire from the album Devil’s Bris, The (1998, 3:45).

E=1/2CV^2 (Hanscom’s Law)

by

While wandering through /., I stumbled upon this comment, which contained the equation E=1/2CV\^2.

Not having a background in electrical components (the context of this equation), my brain immediately translated ‘CV’ as ‘Curriculum Vitae’.

Logically, it followed that ‘E’ was something related to employment…’Employability’ works.

The end result was that I ended up reading the equation as “Employability = 1/2(Curriculum Vitae)\^2” — or, in layman’s terms, any given job will only require half of what you know, but will require proportionately more experience than you have.

Sounds about right to me. I’ll call it “Hanscom’s Law”. ;)

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

by

Now here’s a fun little idea…

CANBERRA (Reuters) – An Australian phone company is offering customers the chance to blacklist numbers before heading out for a night on the town so they can reduce the risk of making any embarrassing, incoherent late-night calls.

A survey of 409 people by Virgin Mobile, a joint venture of The Virgin Group and Optus, found 95 percent made drunk calls.

Of those calls, 30 percent were to ex-partners, 19 percent to current partners, and 36 percent to other people, including their bosses.

The company also found that 55 percent of those polled would grab for their phone first the next morning to check who they had drunkenly dialed, compared with just eight percent who went for the headache pills first.

Just another reason why I’m glad I don’t own a cell phone. ;) The statistics are pretty interesting, though.

iTunes “Big Ditch” by DJ Icey from the album Generate (1998, 5:18).