Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

I had an *rtion

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More with me finding humor in places I really probably shouldn’t.

difranco

Apparently, a bunch of people got offended by Ani DiFranco appearing in Inc. magazine “wearing a t-shirt that appears to read, ‘I had an abortion.'”

Personally, I think everyone is just jumping to conclusions. The shirt is partially obscured, and while it’s certainly possible that ‘abortion’ is the word in question, that’s certainly not the only possibility.

Now, assuming the shirt is grammatically correct, the word in question does need to begin with a vowel, as “an” is used immediately beforehand. Now, I have no idea what Ani’s sexual orientation is, but she could simply be using the shirt to brag about having a sex life, as whether it be penile, digital, or a strap-on, “insertion” is a perfectly good possibility.

Or, perhaps she recently expounded upon her stance on one point or another, and had an “assertion”.

If she’d just gotten back from the gym, she might have had an “exertion”.

If we drop the assumption that the shirt used the English language correctly, more possibilities appear. For instance, if someone had misquoted her in a previous article, she might be wearing the shirt to subtly complain about having had a “distortion” in a prior interview.

And while I’m finding it difficult to figure out how to work “proportion” into our scenario, it’s another option. Perhaps a little dadaist weirdness is all this is.

In any case, it seems to be a fair amount of controversy over a shirt when we can’t even be entirely sure what the message on the shirt says.

Just keep calm

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A headline from today’s Newsday website:

newsday-noterror

While the story is actually about the lack of any evidence pointing to the near-simultaneous airplane crashes being terrorist attacks, my first thought on reading the headline was, “my, what amazingly calm passengers those planes had.”

Aircraft maintenance problems and solutions

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I’ve seen this list float around the ‘net in the past, but it always makes me laugh when I come across it.

Maintenance Write-Ups

AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.

(P) Autopilot in “altitude hold” mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.

(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That’s what its there for.

(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funnny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.

(via Len, this time)

But what about ‘janitor’?

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…due to what is described as an “unfortunate error in translation,” the Spanish version of Windows XP “gave users an option to select their gender from not specified, male, or ‘bitch.'” Uh, whoops.

— As the Apple Turns, while pointing out various Microsoft geographical and linguistic gaffes.

Incidentally, the title of this post involves an old bit of wisdom passed down from my father to me, in which it was imparted that there are actually three sexes in the human race. This little-known fact can be verified in nearly any large public building simply by strolling past the public restrooms, where you are likely to see three doors: male, female, and janitor.

iTunes: “Edie (Ciao Baby)” by Cult, The from the album Sonic Temple (1989, 4:46).

Google Talk

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A post on MeFi led me to this wonderful little toy: Google Talk.

Use Google talk by entering three or four words below. The system will search for this sentence at Google, find the next word and print that. Than it will remove the first word of the search string, add the found word and repeat. The result seems to be meaningfull sometimes. Other times it is giblish. But always fun.

I’ve been playing with it off and on for a while, and it’s come up with some wonderfully nonsensical stuff. Some sample searches below, with the key words I started with in bold:

star wars Episode I- THE Great) war The Great War: The first World War. II THE Wrath of God by AW Tozer in the News: Journal.

george lucas is the only way to Be Human. A Biography of the singer, s voice.

Osama Bin Laden is hiding in the bushes in the backyard and it was all not politically advantageous or large sums of money.

my breasts are too small to See, with a microscope: by a pathologist. who is a Jew? by Choice and Not a Job To do.

my penis is too small for the TEAM: BY the coaches and the media A Guide to the Internet and the World Wide Web Virtual Library History of Science, and Technology

Other people have had some fun playing with this and posting their results. Some of my favorites:

forever will we think about the recent court settlement between Microsoft and the BAVARIAN Alps.

When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high. AND blow Your Brains Out

Jesus Christ died for our sins. BY his blood we shall be Free from defects in material and workmanship.

Imagine all the people Living for today. Imagine there s no heaven, It’ s easy if you’ have the Blues? ask your doctor, and pharmacist if you are allergic to latex, may also be allergic to other foods, as well, as the Dreamcast? and the PC, but I can t GET no satisfaction? I can t get no satisfaction? I can t get no satisfaction?

Monday, I start anew with dreams big enough to crush a human skull with a bullet hole in the back of the North Wind: by GEORGE

jesus saved me from the MAILING list, for the discussion of the Issues raised by the frequent use of the Internet.

Want to play with it yourself? The author has kindly posted code to embed the toy in a webpage, so here we go…

Google talk a Google Hack by Douwe Osinga

Enjoy!

It’s only a matter of time

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Citing an unstable political climate, proven stockpiles of chemical and nuclear weapons, a rigidly government-controlled media, and the need to confront emerging threats in a timely fashion, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States has launched a full-scale invasion of the United States.

(from Karl)

iTunes: “Condensers” by Goldenthal, Elliot from the album Heat (1995, 2:34).

Let’s do the time warp again…

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Oh, how I wish this were true…

The 4th floor elevator door is temporally broken.

I would so love living in a building when after riding the elevator to the 4th floor, you got off and asked, not where you were, but when you were.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid it’s nothing more than an amusing typo.

iTunes: “Lullaby (Extended)” by Cure, The from the album Mixed Up (1989, 7:45).

Crackrats!

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From the wonderfully zany world of IM conversations…

Prairie: (okay, I shouldn’t think this is funny, but it’s cracking me up): Studies find rats can get hooked on drugs\
Prairie: they fed crack to rats

Me: :laughs

Prairie: what did they think would happen?

Me: it’s a little hard to picture a rat with a monkey on its back…

Prairie: giggles\
Prairie: that’s part of what I think it funny about it

Me: crackrats

Prairie: laughs!\
Prairie: “Until now, scientists have been able to prove that rats will take drugs, even eagerly, but not that they’re actually addicted.”\
Prairie: that sentence keeps giving me giggles\
Prairie: and how are the rats getting the drugs?\
Prairie: the conservative, lovely scientists are pushing them

Me: I liked this one –

Me: \” In the French study, rats poked their pointy noses through holes in their cages to trigger injections of cocaine.”\
Me: I think it’s the”pointy\” adjective that does it for me

Prairie: giggles

Me: apparently, the rats with stumpy, blunted noses were less susceptible?

Prairie: haha–no, but they couldn’t get their noses through the bars to get the drugs

Me: or, are they contrasting that to poking their pointy tails through?\
Me: or other pointy bits?\
Me: (kinkycrackrats)

Prairie: laughs even harder\
Prairie: (and EEEW!)

Me: :laughs

iTunes: “Mine (Live)” by Webley, Jason from the album Halloween Special 2001 (2001, 3:04).

Truth in advertising

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I don’t know for sure if this is a real ad or not, but if it is, whoever came up with it really needs a raise…

KY advertisement

(via Ryan)

iTunes: “Mambo Jambo” by Black Happy from the album Last Polka, The (1990, 5:11).