Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Movie scenes that need to be made

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From an IM conversation between Prairie and I tonight…

Prairie: (has a sudden mental image of a cat fight in a porn store that really makes her laugh)

Me: (laughs) now that could be entertaining

Prairie: all the things to reach for to hit the other girl with…

Me: (laughs) now there’s a fight scene that needs to be made!

Prairie: haha–two girls whopping each other with dildos… it’s been made, but they call it S&M porn…

Me: somehow, I could see Quentin Tarantino having a blast putting that fight in one of his films

Prairie: oooh–no kidding! that would work great in one of his movies!

Me: if only I had his e-mail address…

Prairie: “Dear Mr. Tarrantino, Could you please put a scene in your next movie where two women fight in a porn store, preferably with lots of dildos lying about, and ending when one strangles the other with a feather boa after shoving a thong into her mouth so she can’t scream? Thanks.”

Then, later, after discussing how she was staying up later than usual (benefits to summer vacation time when one lives on a school year schedule)…

Prairie: haha–yeah, I do tend to stay up a little later when in Seattle — but when I’m at home it takes a conversation about brutally beating another woman with a blow-up doll to keep me up this late

I am such a sucker for someone with a good dark sense of humor. :)

iTunes: “So Happy Birthday” by Anderson, Laurie from the album United States Live (1984, 6:23).

Tigger cleared of all charges

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In a recent trial in Florida, a Disney employee was found not guilty of fondling a 13 year old girl while posing in a Tigger costume for photographs. My favorite part of the article was a series of photos in which the defense attorney tried on a Tigger costume in order to demonstrate how difficult it can be to know exactly where one’s hands are placed while suited up. The photos are priceless…

Book him, Dan-o

“Book him, Dan-o.”

Tigger being arrested

“This creep’s been pouncing on people all over the Hundred Acre Wood again.”

Check everywhere

“Hey! Is the full-body cavity search really necessary, guys?”

I'm innocent!

Tigger pleaded innocent, claiming that pouncing is “what Tiggers do best!”

The Tigger macarena

After being let go with a warning, the courtroom quickly cleared as Tigger celebrated by performing the Macarena.

iTunes: “Macarena (Mezcla Guerrillera)” by Los Del Rio from the album Macarena Non Stop (1996, 5:36).

One of these things is not like the others…

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I love seeing things like this. From today’s iTMS “new releases” e-mail from Apple:

New Releases

  • The Essential Isley Brothers – The Isley Brothers
  • Living Hallelujah – Single – Sarah Kelly
  • The 9-11 Commission Report: Final Report of the National Commission On Terrorist Attacks (Unabridged) – National Commission on Terrorist Attacks
  • Riot On an Empty Steet – Kings of Convenience
  • A Long Hot Summer – Masta Ace
  • Dead Disco (Kylie Kills Mix) – Single – Metric
  • Crosby & Nash – EP – Crosby & Nash
  • Davy Crockett – Riders in the Sky
  • Ride This – The Covers EP – Los Lobos
  • Green Imagination – The Sunshine Fix
  • Until the End – Kittie
  • Accentuate the Positive – Al Jarreau

iTunes: “What Have I Done to Deserve This?” by Pet Shop Boys from the album Discography (1987, 4:19).

Do-be-do-be-do me

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This was going to go into the linklog, but it’s so wonderfully bizarre that I figured it deserved a little more visibility.

Debbie Does Dallas — The Musical!

WATCHING a porn film with your colleagues is not the usual workplace practice.

But for a group of Sydney actors rehearsing a new musical, a viewing of the classic 1978 X-rated flick Debbie Does Dallas on Thursday night was all in the name of research.

“There was a lot of fast-forwarding going on and quite a few toilet and drink breaks,” actor Lisa Adam said yesterday.

“But I think we can justify it for character development – and I’ve got to say, it’s the most interesting research I’ve ever done.”

Adam stars as Debbie in Debbie Does Dallas – The Musical, a spoof based on the classic porn film that featured Bambi Woods as a cheerleader who needs to make money through, ahem, sweat and tears to join the pom-pom squad of the Texas football team.

[…]

\”There’s no hardcore sex, instead when there’s a sex scene in the movie that’s when we do a musical number.

“So an orgy scene is done to a tango and a threesome is like a Spanish-style flamenco. The choreographer has tried to make it very stylised and comical, rather than just having people rooting on stage.”

I knew I should have stuck to theatre…

iTunes: “Related Vortex” by X-Dream from the album Spirit Zone Vol. 2 (1996, 8:48).

What’s the profit margin on this troll hunt?

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Okay, yes, diff’rent streaks for diff’rent freaks and all that, but — without meaning any offense — I’ve got to admit that an all-economists Dungeons and Dragons game just might rank fairly high in my personal descriptions of hell. ;)

Is it really financially prudent to go after this troll?

What’s the expected profit-to-loss ratio if we attempt to capture the dragon’s hoard?

Does our raiding party’s net worth really justify attacking in this instance?

Disclaimer: I am neither an economist nor a D&D player, so I have no real personal experience to draw upon for this — though while my exposure to economists is nearly nonexistent, I’ve known, been around, and lived with enough D&D players to know how wacky they can get on their own — I just thought that the combination of the two was simultaneously amusing and frightening. Please take this post as the good-natured ribbing that it’s meant to be. ;)

Good reason

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As far as me and the vice presidency is concerned … I spent a number of years in a North Vietnamese prison camp in the dark and (was) fed scraps, and I don’t know why I would want to do that all over again.

— Senator John McCain, addressing rumors he might replace Cheney as Bush’s running mate.

iTunes: “Only Time, The (Live)” by Nine Inch Nails from the album Familiar Sting (1994, 5:13).

Oh, snap! It’s getting kind of hectic up in this piece.

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This may be the funniest thing I’ve read lately…

At this point, according to observers, both statesmen decided—by seemingly unspoken mutual consent—to abandon the gutter patois of the common carnival worker and to resort instead to an eminently more quotable (but, to those not versed in the vagaries of hip-hop idiom, more confusing) exchange of viewpoints.

“Oh, it’s like that?” Mr. Cheney queried.

“Whut? Whut?” Mr. Leahy shot back.

“Once again,” Mr. Cheney replied (quite obviously quoting a lyric from Ice Cube’s 1990 album, “AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted”), “it’s on.”

As a quick-thinking senatorial aide switched on the Senate’s public-address system and cued up the infamous “Seven Minutes of Funk” break, Mr. Leahy and Mr. Cheney went head-to-head in what can only be described as a “take no prisoners” freestyle rap battle.

(via kottke)

In the not very distant future…

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One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it,”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

(via amberglow)