Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Facts about Canada

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Lane should get a kick out of this. ;) Questions and answers about Canada from a tourism website (I’m not sure which one, I found this on dad’s website)…

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!!

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a listof them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight afterthe hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first!

iTunes: “Damned for All Time/Blood Money” by Benjamin/Lorant, Michael/Mantione, Mike/Choir from the album Jesus Christ Superstar: A Resurrection (1994, 6:05).

That’s one kinky rabbit

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Okay, so there isn’t really a lot of connection between the resurrection of Jesus Christ and a magical rabbit that distributes eggs to children…but couldn’t this church have come up with a better way of getting their message across than whipping the Easter Bunny during a church pageant?

A church that put on an Easter show said it was trying to teach about Jesus Christ.

But the people who saw the show say they were upset by performers who broke eggs and pretended to whip the Easter bunny.

People who attended Saturday’s performance of an Easter celebration at a memorial stadium in Glassport, Allegheny County, quoted performers as saying “There is no Easter bunny.”

If I could draw, I’d have all sorts of fun with that combination of elements…I’m thinking something involving furries in S&M gear in front of an altar.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go scour my brain to get rid of that image.

But is it a specific ‘here’, or an existential ‘here’?

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Finally, six months after coming up with the idea, I finally got around to getting my own “I’m just here to get laid.” t-shirt and bookbag.

And yes, I am crazy enough to carry the bag around town, or wear the t-shirt in public (though, as t-shirts are outside of the dress code at work, I’m out of luck there).

iTunes: “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (from Pal Joey)” by Segal, Vivienne from the album Broadway: The Great Original Cast Recordings (1950, 3:11).

The chef’s special

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I know this is juvenile, and I know that it’s a real food item…but I really have to think that classy restaurants should avoid naming a \$22 dish “The Captain’s Pupu Tower.”

iTunes: “Symphony for Taps” by Pigface from the album Gub (1990, 1:25).

iChat just went bye-bye

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That was more than a little odd. I was just in a conversation with Phil, and wanted to blog some of it. Normally I use iChat in “cute” mode (pictures and bubbles), like so:

iChat's 'cute' mode

When I want to blog a conversation, I’ll switch it to “text” and “show names”, which works much better for a copy-paste into a weblog post:

iChat in text mode

However, for some reason, iChat just went all wierd on me. When I switched it into text and names mode, everything in the chat window went blank. I could see what I was typing in the text input field, and hear when messages came through by the “bloop” sound…but I couldn’t see anything!

iChat goes wonky

Thankfully, closing out the window and starting a new chat session cleared it up, but I was quite amused for a few moments there.

iTunes: “Pink Potassium” by Radioactive Goldfish from the album Rhythm and Rave (1992, 4:46).

I Love Cats

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You must listen to this: “I ♥ Cats” (1Mb .mp3).

Very, very, very wrong.

And very, very, very funny.

Author and performer unknown, found on IRC a long time ago by D, originally posted on Just Like a Dream and cross-posted here with her permission.

I love cats.
I love to pet their fur.
I love to scratch their neck and chins
and listen to them purr.

I love cats.
I love to stroke their thighs.
I love to bend them over a desk
and push their butts up high.

I love cats.
I make them wear a bra.
I tie some panties ’round their neck
and then I shout “Hurrah!”

I love cats.
My sexual housepets.
I love to have my way with them
and smoke some cigarettes.

Don’t blame me, I’m just passing it along…;)

It’s like Karaoke gone all wrong

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A few weeks ago while on my lunch break, I read a story about William Hung, the kid who has gained fame and notoriety for his (ahem) inimitable rendition of Ricky Martin‘s “She Bangs” on American Idol. Since I don’t bother with television, that was the first I’d heard about this little mini-phenomenon, but I thought it was a cute little story.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I discovered that the iTunes Music Store now has William’s rendition of “She Bangs” — along with three other gleefully cringe-inducing songs! I’m not bothering to download any of them — the thirty-second previews were more than enough for me — but it was more than enough to give me a good laugh.

And really…suddenly my fifteen minutes of fame doesn’t seem that bizarre in comparison.

iTunes: “Understood (Hot Tracks)” by Must from the album Roadkill! 2.15 (1995, 6:07).

Gay Penguin Love

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This makes me grin for two reasons: one, because of all the people who claim that homosexuality “isn’t natural”, and two, because it’s penguins! ;)

Wendell and Cass, two penguins at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, Brooklyn, live in a soap opera world of seduction and intrigue. Among the 22 male and 10 female African black-footed penguins in the aquarium’s exhibit, tales of love, lust and betrayal are the norm. These birds mate for life. But given the disproportionate male-female ratio at the aquarium, some of the females flirt profusely and dump their partners for single males with better nests.

Wendell and Cass, however, take no part in these cunning schemes. They have been completely devoted to each other for the last eight years. In fact, neither one of them has ever been with anyone else, says their keeper, Stephanie Mitchell.

But the partnership of Wendell and Cass adds drama in another way. They’re both male. That is to say, they’re gay penguins.

Maybe there’s another reason Opus’ relationship with Quiche Lorraine never worked out? ;)

(via DeAnna)

iTunes: “Angel (Dusted)” by McLachlan, Sarah from the album Remixed (2003, 5:29).