Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

1-800-ooooops

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Another reason cars and cell phones are a bad mix:

An adulterous Finn pressed all the wrong buttons as he made love in a car — unknowingly prompting his mobile phone to call home just in time for his wife to hear his mistress moan “I love you.”

The wife, doubly enraged after recognizing her own friend’s voice, has been convicted of assault after going to her rival’s flat and striking her in the face and later attacking her husband at home with an axe, though he fended off the blow.

(via Dad)

Jesus with a riding crop and a rainbow flag

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Just on the off chance you hadn’t heard yet, Canada earlier this week decided to recognize gay marriages.

SFGate columnist Mark Morford has a wonderful commentary that is well worth reading all of.

“I don’t really know what this means, what it represents, what it entails, what gay people stand for, where they come from or what they do or why they do it or how they become that way in the first place or even if they’re allowed to vote or fly in airplanes,” announced a very trembly George W. Bush at a hastily arranged press conference in the Super Mega Hetero Gun Room of the White House.

“But I do know we won’t stand for it, and if these gul-dang furriner evildoers think they can get away with these kinds of tender unions and hand holdings and loving smiles and beautiful intimate commitments, well, they haven’t seen America’s righteous firepower!” he shouted, pounding his cute little fist on the podium. “We shall prevail!” Then he fainted.

[…]

Already, America’s perspective has been affected. In a shocking new poll, fully 41 percent of Americans now believe the terrorists responsible for the 9/11 tragedy were, in fact, gay married Canadians.

Similarly, 23 percent are now convinced Saddam Hussein was either “somewhat” or “almost totally” Canadian. Or gay. Or a member of Loverboy.

[…]

Meanwhile, the rest of the largely benevolent and open-hearted and divinely attuned polyamorous universe just laughed and nodded very, very approvingly at Canada and said, well Jesus with a riding crop and a rainbow flag, it’s about goddamn time, you know?

(via Len)

Dismemberment sells!

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Seeing this post of Jeremy’s reminded me of the following photo I took on the way home from Bumbershoot last August.

Dismembered arms

Hardly my most artistic photo, but then, it wasn’t really meant to be — I just thought the window display was hilarious, in a somewhat disturbing sort of way. Selling handbags, okay. Selling handbags with dismembered arms, though, I’m just not entirely sure about.

But what about the kittens?

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Royce sent me a link to this page about kittens today, saying that it reminded him of us.

What follows is a dramatization. It is based on a very, very true story of two modern maniacs discussing the implications of God killing kittens, and deciding, logically, how to protect themselves in the event of a kitten apocalypse. Logic, of course, can be skewed terribly when your premise is a theory based on the Lord being a female kitten…

Y’know, I think he’s right!

Who's who in the blogging world

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A simple guide to the A-list bloggers is a wonderful tongue-in-cheek introduction to the “big names” of weblogging. Choice quotes from the ones I read:

Dave Winer: “In the beginning was the Blog, and the Blog was with Dave, and the Blog was God. The same was in the beginning with Dave. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness (everyone but Dave) comprehended it not.”

Doc Searls: This new meme here, that new meme there. Here’s some pointage to back and forth between this person and that person on this issue. DIY Journalism. The powers of Big Media have been forever broken!! Power to the People. Linux rules! Linux makes a great hamburger topping. Blogs, there is no us and them. It?s all us. Weblogs are the highest form of audience content. Weblogs are the highest form of evolutionary development. Printwash, Searlsowash, but NOT Googlewash, no no. Google is God. If not on Google it doesn’t count.

Ben and Mena: We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. We are cute. Blogs rule. Moveable Type rules. We are cute. We are cute.

Anil Dash: You can’t ignore wheat. Links. Weird Links. Cool Links. Links about Links. Links. More Links. Index of Links. Link Indexes of Link Indexes Indexed. Ben and Mena inside gossip. Moveable Type. Radio sucks! Dave Winer is a smushed toad. Winer is a Whiner. I work in Marketing. Moveable Type! Journalists are the Devil, they only ever rewrite Press Releases. Just who do they think they are anyways? Bah Humbug! Bloggers are the future.

Robert Scoble: I am nice, reasonable, normal smart type, not always given to the usual Blog Groupthink. I am not like all those other Bloggers. So why I am a Blogger? I am just gaming this meme. Link to friends. Link to more friends. Link to other friends. Link to these friends. Link to more friends. Link to my boss, he’s way way cool. Hey, didyah know, I used to work for Radio Userland. And I used to plan Tech Conferences, I know every Geek in the world! They all like me.

Cory Doctorow: Check out the guest blogger! We bagged Dvorak! Blogs have power! Guess old John C. knows old media is DOOMED. “Amazzzing Graccce, I onccce wasss blllinnnnddd butttt noooowww I seeeeeeeeee…” Whooooo! My first novel is out! I love me. I write weirdly chaotic makes-no-sense Sci-Fi stories about a not-to-distant future, or maybe the future is now. But since it is all Sci-Fi I get away with all this random un-defragged sheer-chaos. Look at me! I write Sci-Fi. I won all these awards! I won the John W. Campbell Award! Yeah yeah yeahhhh! I am special! I like Disney!

(via Robert Scoble and Dave Winer)

The Purity Test

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Dyanna and I got talking online tonight, and over the course of the conversation, the topic of the infamous Purity Tests came up.

I don’t really know where the Purity Tests got started, but I first found them not long after I first got online, sometime in 1991. The test itself (which now exists in various versions, though my personal favorites are the ‘original’ versions that I found all those years ago) is a series of yes or no questions designed to determine how morally, ethically, and sexually pure you are. As you go through the test, you mark off each thing you’ve done. At the end of the test, you count up your answers, and figure out your percentage — the more you’ve done, the lower your final score, and the less “pure” you are.

It’s all in good fun, of course, and they make a great party game. The only solid rule is that at the end of the test, anyone who took it must admit their final score. It’s entirely up to each person if they want to admit the answers to any particular question — and in many cases, they won’t — but the final score must be admitted!

The person with the lowest (least pure) score then gets hit on by everyone for the rest of the night, while the person with the highest (most pure) score gets giggled at by everyone for the rest of the night. ;)

So…now that all that’s out of the way…anyone care for a test? All of the following links are to downloadable text files. My scores either are posted, or will be after I re-take the tests — leave yours in the comments!

  • The Purity Test: 100 Questions (Quick and dirty, get it out of the way, see what you think. My score: 6%)
  • The Purity Test: 500 Questions (My favorite of the set — long enough to be thorough without getting overly ridiculous or tedious. My score: ??)
  • The Purity Test: 1000 Questions (Starting to get a little overly long, but still bearable. My score: ??)
  • The Purity Test: 2000 Questions (Farily ridiculously long — they’re stretching to find this many questions, and it shows. Included mostly for completeness/curiosity’s sake. My score: ??)

Have fun!