Humor

A friend of mine forwarded me this while I was gone…thought it was pretty funny. If you’re not of a Christian faith, how well did you follow the guidelines?

December 1: Bury turkey carcass from Thanksgiving under the Holly tree to thank the tree for the six bushels of branches pruned to decorate the halls with. Draw Pentagram in the dirt with silver dust to prevent pet She-Wolf from digging up the bones.

December 2: Order 20 cases of Irish whiskey to be left for the Good Folk on Yule. Re-bury turkey carcass, re-do Pentagram in gold dust.

December 3: Draw Pentagram on each sheet of toilet paper using silver marker for that festive holiday touch. Have staff re-roll the paper onto Victorian “crackers” for that surprise element. Re-bury carcass, consecrate concrete block, spray paint with gold and use as planter for poinsettia. Place over carcass.

December 4: Take She-Wolf to vet for eating poinsettia. Send out telepathic party invitations to 200 witches, shamans and druids for the Yule Party.

December 5: Ex- mother in law’s birthday. Send Victoria’s Secret nightgown rubbed with stinging nettle. Begin receiving telepathic RSVP’s for Yule Party.

December 6: Hand dip 365 gold candles for Yule party. Consecrate using Sacred Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan Yule Oils found at a K-Mart near YOU! Have staff clean up the mess. Pick up She-Wolf at vet.

December 7: Harvest herbs from the garden and hand crochet 200 herb pillows for guests. Stuff with the microwaved dried herbs.

December 8: Have the staff get their arms tattooed with suns now so there will be time for the redness to disappear in time for the party. Have staff decorate the Yule Tree.

December 9: Repaint Nativity Scene so figures represent Isis, Osiris, and Osiris. Re-bury turkey. Take She-Wolf to the pound. Buy new wolf pup. Hire dog trainer.

December 10-11: Fly to Europe to grub for truffles. Pick up whisky at the Irish distillery on the way back.

December 12: Use Dremel tool to carve chalices out of quartz crystal balls for the party. Roll the hand dipped candles in the crystal dust to make them sparkle.

December 13: Coven meeting! Get symbolically pregnant by the HP during symbolic Great Rite ritual. Give hand forged Athames as gifts to coven members.

December 14: Get six foot Yule Log from the local land co-op. Decorate with holly, ivy and hand dipped candles rolled in the crystal dust.

December 15: See herbalist for private itching that has been going on since last coven meeting. Burn all undergarments. Have factory send new ones in red and green.

December 16: Daughter home from college. Send her to herbalist, too. Invite local fauna to graze on the front lawn for decoration and hang wreaths over their necks.

December 17: Climb great oak and cut mistletoe using golden sickle. Leave hand cast silver coins at base in thanks. Burn sage now to cleanse house so the smell will be gone in time for the party. Pick up golden robe at dry cleaners and pack in lavender.

December 18: Appear on Oprah to show my support of her coming out of the broom closet. Bake chocolate moon pies with banana cream filling, symbolic of the return of the sun. Bake “stained glass” Pentacle cookies.

December 19: Bake brownies laced with valerian and give to fundamentalist neighbor. Butcher, gut and pluck 150 pheasants from the backyard coop and marinate in consecrated wine. Harvest wild rice from the patty out back.

December 20: Yule party. Carve sliced carrot to resemble miniature suns. Put red die in the men’s toilet tanks, green in the women’s toilet tanks. Have staff do the cooking while I dress in my ceremonial robe. When guests and TV crew arrive, assume meditative pose.

December 21: Dawn – give birth to symbolic sun god on the dining room table as the guests and TV crew look on. After guests leave, collect empty whisky bottles drunk by the good folk and recycle. Take a nap and dream of what I’ll do for Imbolc.

This got handed to me at work a while back. I’m no expert on haiku, so I can’t gaurantee that these all follow the rules as far as syllables and such…but I thought they were hilarious.

Oh, and by the way, just in case you’ve not yet heard the term ‘mullet’, just let Mullet Lovers fill you in.

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I know these things bounce around the ‘net from time to time, but I hadn’t seen this particular set before it made the rounds at work (I’m posting this from work on a quick break).

In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area.

1. Q: Name the four seasons.
   A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
2. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
   A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
3. Q: How is dew formed?
   A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
4. Q: What is a planet?
   A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
5. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
   A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
6. Q: What are steroids?
   A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
7. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
   A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
8. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
   A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
9. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
   A: Premature death.
10. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.
11. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
12. Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.
13. Q: What does “varicose” mean?
    A: Nearby.
14. Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section.”
    A: The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.
15. Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.
16. Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.
17. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
18. Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
19. Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
20. Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
21. Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs.

This just in — It seems that our nearest neighbor in the Solar System, and most possible target for future colonization, is in dire need of a facelift!

NASA has recently released photographs of the famous Cydonian face on Mars that show that one of the strongest pieces of evidence we have yet of alien intelligence is in danger of being eradicated from our Solar System. While NASA’s scientists have always been quick to deny that the face is actually a face (how foolish — what else could it be?), scientists worldwide not under the thumb of the U.S. Government have spend untold hours debunking the “theory” that NASA and the US Government want us to believe — that the Face does not exist, and is merely a product of poor photography combined with human imagination.

Well, I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t take much imagination at all for me to see that the above picture quite clearly shows a face. And do they really expect that the American public is so stupid as to believe that after sending countless satellites into space, the Voyager probe to the stars, and who knows what else (I would list placing men on the Moon, but that has long since been uncovered as a hoax), that the Viking 1 and 2 landers had such poor equipment on board that they would mangle a random collection of peaks and valleys into looking like we know the Face to look?

Lately, however, some more disturbing news has leaked out of NASA. As can be plainly seen in the images below, the Face is being destroyed!

The only question now is how is this happening? The three pictures were taken within the space of less than 30 years — from the Viking missions in 1975 and 1976 to the most recent flyover by the Mars Global Surveyor in 2001 — and show a frightening amount of destruction. While we know that Mars has an atmosphere inhospitable to human life (or, at least, so we’ve been told all these years), it isn’t so horrid as to account for that much degradation in such a short span of time. So what could be responsible for this?

The only answer I can come up with is that the Face is being deliberately destroyed to hide its existence from us! This single image — released by NASA itself — does more to prove that the Government has been hiding information from us (either about its own capabilities, or about its involvement with extraterrestrial intelligence) for years than anything previously found! I don’t know who is destroying the Face — or how (though it could either be through their own means, if you assume that NASA’s claims about the moon landing are true, and we can travel between the planets; or through the assistance of alien intelligences in collaboration with our government) — but the why can be easily guessed.

To keep us ignorant.

The face has been a thorn in the side of those in control ever since the pictures leaked out to the world after the Viking landers took them — incontrovertible proof of alien intelligence — and they must have been working since its discovery to destroy it so that they could ‘debunk’ it as just another jumble of rocks.

I feel that it is imperative that we refuse to let this continue. Contact your representatives, senators, whomever, but let it be known that we will no longer allow ourselves to be led, that we are not the pawns that our so-called ‘leaders’ want us to be!

Let the truth come out!

Okay, okay. So I’ve been watching too much X-Files recently. The picture of the three faces actually comes from a fascinating article on NASA’s website about the formation in question, and how the increased resolution of today’s cameras (and not erosion, alien conspiracies, or the like) are giving a clearer picture of the ‘face’ on Mars. Neat stuff, but it triggered my brain, and I had to get this out. Hey, it was fun!