God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about God?

    Newspaper
    Television
    Word of mouth
    Tabloid
    Bible
    Torah
    Koran
    Other Book
    Divine Inspiration
    Near Death Experience
    Burning Shrubbery
    Other (specify):

  2. Which model God did you acquire?

    YHWH
    Jehovah
    Allah
    God
    G-d
    Father, Son & Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!)
    Jesus
    Ahura Mazda/Ahriman (opposed pair)
    Brahman
    None of the above, I was taken in by a false god.

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    Yes
    No

    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:

  4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god (please check all that apply)?

    Indoctrinated by parents
    Indoctrinated by society
    Imaginary friend grew up
    Wanted to meet girls/boys
    Wanted to piss off parents
    Desperate need for certainty

    Need to feel Morally Superior
    Needed a reason to live
    Needed focus in who to despise
    Hate to think for myself
    Fear of death
    Needed a day away from work
    Like Organ Music
    My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

    Odin
    Zeus
    Apollo
    Ra
    The Great Spirit
    Satan
    The Sun
    The Moon
    The Bomb

    Cthulhu
    The Almighty Dollar
    The Invisible Hand
    Barney T.B.P.D.
    The Great Pumpkin
    Bill Clinton
    Hillary Clinton
    A burning cabbage
    Other:

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

    Tarot
    Astrology
    Fortune cookies
    Psychic Friends Network

    Palmistry
    Self-help books
    Biorythms
    Tea Leaves
    Mantras
    Crystals
    Pyramids
    Insurance policies
    Barney T.B.P.D.
    Barney Fife
    Lottery
    Television
    Ann Landers
    Dianetics
    Playboy and/or Playgirl
    Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll
    George W. Bush
    EST
    Jimmy Swaggart
    Human Sacrifice
    Wandering around a desert
    Burning Shrubbery
    Other:
    None

  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?

    More Divine Intervention
    Less Divine Intervention
    Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?

  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

    1. Disasters

      1 2 3 4 5 — Global Warming
      1 2 3 4 5 — Flood
      1 2 3 4 5 — Famine
      1 2 3 4 5 — Earthquake
      1 2 3 4 5 — War
      1 2 3 4 5 — Pestilence
      1 2 3 4 5 — Plague
      1 2 3 4 5 — SPAM
      1 2 3 4 5 — AOL
      1 2 3 4 5 — Microsoft
      1 2 3 4 5 — Terrorism

    2. Miracles

      1 2 3 4 5 — Rescues
      1 2 3 4 5 — Spontaneous remissions
      1 2 3 4 5 — Stars hovering over towns
      1 2 3 4 5 — Crying statues
      1 2 3 4 5 — Water changing to wine
      1 2 3 4 5 — Walking on water (other than the Hudson)
      1 2 3 4 5 — Talking flaming shrubbery
      1 2 3 4 5 — VCRs that set their own clocks
      1 2 3 4 5 — Saddam Hussein still alive
      1 2 3 4 5 — Cubs winning the Series
      1 2 3 4 5 — Term limits on the Presidency

  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

(via Dad)

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