God’s Total Quality Management Questionairre

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

   Newspaper
   Television
   Word of mouth
   Tabloid
   Bible
   Torah
   Koran
   Other Book
   Divine Inspiration
   Near Death Experience
   Burning Shrubbery
   Other (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?

   YHWH
   Jehovah
   Allah
   God
   G-d
   Father, Son & Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!)
   Jesus
   Ahura Mazda/Ahriman (opposed pair)
   Brahman
   None of the above, I was taken in by a false god.

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

   Yes
   No

   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
   

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god (please check all that apply)?

   Indoctrinated by parents
   Indoctrinated by society
   Imaginary friend grew up
   Wanted to meet girls/boys
   Wanted to piss off parents
   Desperate need for certainty
   
   Need to feel Morally Superior
   Needed a reason to live
   Needed focus in who to despise
   Hate to think for myself
   Fear of death
   Needed a day away from work
   Like Organ Music
   My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

   Odin
   Zeus
   Apollo
   Ra
   The Great Spirit
   Satan
   The Sun
   The Moon
   The Bomb
   
   Cthulhu
   The Almighty Dollar
   The Invisible Hand
   Barney T.B.P.D.
   The Great Pumpkin
   Bill Clinton
   Hillary Clinton
   A burning cabbage
   Other:

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

   Tarot
   Astrology
   Fortune cookies
   Psychic Friends Network
   
   Palmistry
   Self-help books
   Biorythms
   Tea Leaves
   Mantras
   Crystals
   Pyramids
   Insurance policies
   Barney T.B.P.D.
   Barney Fife
   Lottery
   Television
   Ann Landers
   Dianetics
   Playboy and/or Playgirl
   Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll
   George W. Bush
   EST
   Jimmy Swaggart
   Human Sacrifice
   Wandering around a desert
   Burning Shrubbery
   Other:
   None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?

   More Divine Intervention
   Less Divine Intervention
   Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
   1. Disasters

      1 2 3 4 5 — Global Warming
      1 2 3 4 5 — Flood
      1 2 3 4 5 — Famine
      1 2 3 4 5 — Earthquake
      1 2 3 4 5 — War
      1 2 3 4 5 — Pestilence
      1 2 3 4 5 — Plague
      1 2 3 4 5 — SPAM
      1 2 3 4 5 — AOL
      1 2 3 4 5 — Microsoft
      1 2 3 4 5 — Terrorism

   2. Miracles

      1 2 3 4 5 — Rescues
      1 2 3 4 5 — Spontaneous remissions
      1 2 3 4 5 — Stars hovering over towns
      1 2 3 4 5 — Crying statues
      1 2 3 4 5 — Water changing to wine
      1 2 3 4 5 — Walking on water (other than the Hudson)
      1 2 3 4 5 — Talking flaming shrubbery
      1 2 3 4 5 — VCRs that set their own clocks
      1 2 3 4 5 — Saddam Hussein still alive
      1 2 3 4 5 — Cubs winning the Series
      1 2 3 4 5 — Term limits on the Presidency

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

(via Dad)