Johnny Cash has left the building.
Can't it wait?
Why in God’s name do people find it acceptable to stand at the urinal and talk on their cell phone at the same time?
Just wait. For one thing or the other, wait. But if I’m ever on the other end of the line during one of those calls, I’m hanging up.
Who's on stage?
Okay, this is it — the last one. Mostly because it’s the last version that I know of, but hey, that’s okay. This one comes from one of the best TV shows of all time, the Animaniacs (specifically, epsiode #59, midway through “Woodstock Slappy”). If there’s anyone out there who can get me an .mp3 of this scene, I’d love it!
Update: This clip has been posted on YouTube! Who knows how long it’ll be there before the copyright police yank it, but it’s there now…. (via MeFi)
Who’s on stage?
Skippy and Slappy are at Woodstock. Roger Daltrey is onstage singing….
SLAPPY: Skippy, what is the name of that group playing on stage?
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the group.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The group on stage.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The group playing on stage.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: You’re starting to sound like an owl, Skippy.
SKIPPY: Who is on stage!
SLAPPY: That is what I’m askin’ ya’, who is on stage?
SKIPPY: That’s what I said.
SLAPPY: You said who?
SKIPPY: I sure did.
SLAPPY: So tell me the name.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the group.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The group on stage.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the band on stage!
SKIPPY: Who!
SLAPPY: You’re doing that owl thing again, Skippy!
SKIPPY: I’m not, Aunt Slappy, I’m telling you Who is on stage.
SLAPPY: So tell me.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: So tell me.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the group.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The group on stage!
SKIPPY: Who!
SLAPPY: That’s what I’m asking you!
SKIPPY: And I’m telling you the answer.
SLAPPY: Wait, Skippy, let’s start over. Is there a band on stage?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Does the band have a name?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Do you know the name of the band?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Then tell me the name of the band on stage.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the band!
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The band, playing on stage!
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: That’s what I want to know!
SKIPPY: I’m telling you!
SLAPPY: Who is on stage.
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Who is?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Oh. So the name of the band is Yes.
SKIPPY: No, Aunt Slappy, Yes is not even at this concert.
SLAPPY: Then who is on stage?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: Who is?
SKIPPY: Yes.
SLAPPY: That’s just what I said, Yes is on stage.
SKIPPY: No, Yes is not here. Who is on stage.
SLAPPY: Whaddya askin’ me for?
SKIPPY: I’m not!
SLAPPY: Wait, let’s try this again. Do you see the band on stage?
SKIPPY: No I don’t see The Band, that’s a different group entirely.
SLAPPY: On stage, Skippy. Look, see the band?
SKIPPY: No I don’t.
SLAPPY: Get rid of those John Lennon glasses and look! There, there’s the band!
SKIPPY: No, that’s not The Band. The Band is performing later on. Who’s on stage.
SLAPPY: You tell me.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the group on stage.
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The name of the group!
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The group on stage!
SKIPPY: Who.
SLAPPY: The band!
SKIPPY: No, The Band is performing later. Right now, we’re listening to Who.
SLAPPY: That’s what I wanna know!!
[Cheering]
ROGER DALTRY: Hey, you squirrels are funny, man. Come on up here and take a bow.
SKIPPY: Yeah! Far out!
SLAPPY: Oh brother…
(Thanks to my friend Rick for tracking this down on videotape so I could finally see it after being told about it for years…still looking for that .mp3, though!)
Hu's on first?
Seeing as how something tells me this is a good day for a little levity, and I keep getting laughs out of these, I’m continuing on a theme here. Hopefully nobody minds too terribly much! I actually had this posted on another blog a while ago, but here it is again.
Hu’s on first?
We take you now to the Oval Office…
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
— by James Sherman
Who's on first?
I gave a copy of the “Who’s on first” takeoff that I posted earlier to the guys I work with, and one of them was completely confused. He’s originally from Britain, and had never heard of the original Abbott and Costello routine!
So, I went out and found this page, which had the .mp3 online, and was able to introduce someone to one of the classic comedy sketches of all time for the first time ever. How cool is that?
He’s still chuckling over it, too.
Abbott and Costello in Computerland
Okay, one last thing before I head off to work. Dad sent me this today, and I damn near fell off my chair laughing at it…
Abbott and Costello in Computerland
[ring…ring…click]
ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might…what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word–the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in…Oh, never mind.
[click]
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Thanks dad!
Print-friendly pages with CSS
Printing often seems to be the bane of web publishing doesn’t it? All this information scattered across the ‘net, and so many times, trying to get a decent hardcopy printout just results in frustration. Sites that are beautiful in a browser may fail when printed — text disappears into background colors if you’re printing black and white, ads take up tons of unnecessary space on the printed page, and if the site uses tables or a fixed-width CSS layout that’s wider than the page, you may end up with having text cut off along one side of the page. Many commercial sites create special ‘print friendly’ pages, but that’s something of a kludge in itself — it’s an extra click, sometimes the link to the ‘print-friendly’ page is difficult to see, and it means having to deal with that many extra pages (and extra bandwidth) to maintain and serve.
Thankfully, CSS allows a remarkably simple way to avoid having to deal with all these frustrations. With a little bit of coding time, you can create a special “print stylesheet” that will determine exactly how your page looks when it’s printed out, without ever having to deal with the problems outlined above. Here at TypePad, you’ll need to be a “Pro” user to take advantage of this (as you’ll need access to the code of your templates), but the same technique will also work for MovableType powered sites, or any other website where you have full access to your code.
Need a quick example? Just try printing this post out, then compare what your printer gives you to the screen version (Netscape, Mozilla, Firebird, and Safari users will get an extra bonus trick that IE doesn’t support). For all the gory details (which really aren’t all that gory), just read on…
For a quick example, I’ll hold myself up to the spotlight (hey, if I’ve going to point out the problems, might as well humiliate myself instead of someone else, right?). The image to the right shows the result of printing this site after my redesign — those nice big white borders that work so well on screen cause definite issues on the printed page, squishing all the actual content into a single really tiny column in the middle of the page. This obviously was not acceptable! So, I got to work.
The first step was to design the print stylesheet itself. The basics of that are essentially the same as designing an on-screen stylesheet, and you can even use a browser to work it all out. I started by copying my stylesheet into a blank text document on my computer and tweaking it piece by piece to adjust it for the printed page. I won’t go through all the changes I made (though you’re welcome to compare the two to see for yourself — feel free to look at the code for either my screen stylesheet or my print stylesheet), but I do want to call attention to a few of the methods I used.
First off, the borders — an easy fix there, all I had to do was adjust the margins for the #content div from 150 pixels to 5%. By using a percentage instead of a fixed value, it ensures that the content area of the printed page will always be 90 percent of the available width, no matter if the person printing the page is in the US or in Europe (as there are different standard paper sizes).
Now for a handier trick. One of the major differences between on-screen display and the printed page are that navigation elements, such as the navigation sidebar across the top of each page on my site, are essentially useless when printed. Obviously, they can’t be clicked, so all they really end up doing is taking up space on the printed page. If that’s the case, then why bother printing them at all?
In my original stylesheet, my navigation bar is contained within a div of its own, like so:
#navigation {
text-align: center;
margin-top: 2px;
padding: 4px;
background-color: #eee;
}
So, for the print stylesheet, I simply changed all of that to this simple argument:
#navigation {
display: none;
}
And voila! When printed, that entire div just disappears from the page. That little display: none; argument comes in very handy for deciding just what appears and doesn’t appear on your printed page and on screen. I added a class called “screenonly” to my print stylesheet that uses the display: none; argument, and then wrapped the comment entry form on my individual entry pages in a div class="screenonly" tag — bingo, no printed comment entry form. With a little experimentation, it’s very easy to determine exactly what elements on your pages will and won’t print.
The same technique can be used on screen, of course. I added another class to my screen stylesheet called “printonly” that also uses the display: none; property, then added a copyright declaration to the bottom of every page that is wrapped in a div class="printonly". Now that won’t display onscreen, but will appear when printed. Pretty nifty, isn’t it?
There’s one last trick I want to call attention to before I close out, though — while it will only work in browsers that have good CSS support (in other words, almost every browser except Internet Explorer), it’s incredibly useful.
Links are somewhat of a quandry on the printed page — in fact, by default, they’re nearly useless. A slight color change in the text, but nothing else. However, CSS includes ways to work around this, as well. I added the following lines to my print stylesheet:
.postbody a:link:after, .postbody a:visited:after {
content: " (" attr(href) ") ";
}
This looks a little complex, but it’s really not all that scary. The first line says simply that within any element that has the class postbody (I’ve wrapped the text of my posts, trackback excerpts, and comments in divs with that class), any a element that is either a link or a link that has been visited is going to have some information added after that element.
The second line is the content that we’re adding: first we add a space and an opening parenthesis, then we add the href attribute (in other words, the URL that the link points to), then we add a closing parenthesis and another space. That’s it — the last line is simply closing the CSS argument.
So what does all that mean? Simply this — when the page is printed, every link will be followed with the target URL of that link in parenthesis. Nifty!
Okay, so those are some of the tricks I’ve used. Now, supposing you’ve done some poking, prodding, and experimentation on your own and you’ve got a print stylesheet all set up and ready to go — how do you get it working? Easy enough! First off, create a new Index Template for your site, name it something like “Stylesheet-print”, and have it output to “print.css”. Now, you’ll need to do a slight edit to each of your templates.
The default line in TypePad templates that calls the stylesheet is in the header information at the top, and looks like this:
<link rel="stylesheet" href="<$MTBlogURL$>styles.css" type="text/css" />
We’ll be adding one argument to that line, and then adding a second, very similar line –here’s what you should end up with:
<link rel="stylesheet" media="screen" href="<$MTBlogURL$>styles.css type="text/css" />
<link rel="stylesheet" media="print" href="<$MTBlogURL$>print.css" type="text/css" />
What we’ve just done is tell the browser that the “styles.css” file should only apply to on-screen display, while the “print.css” file should apply to content that is sent to the printer. That’s it — rebuild, and you’re done!
And here we have the final result — the image to the left is how my site prints out with the print stylesheet added. The useless navigation bar has disappeared, borders have been set to values that are far more manageable and readable for the printed page, I’ve brought the font size down a touch, and all links now display their target after the link itself. All in all, a far more readable printed page than what I started with, and all accomplished with a little bit of playing with CSS.
So that’s it! Hopefully this all made sense and is useful for you. As always, feel free to leave any comments or questions below, and I’ll do my best to clarify any places where I may have been unclear. Enjoy!
(Post-link URL display code was found at A List Apart.)
www.michaelhanscom.com
One of the features of the TypePad “Pro” level that I’ve been looking forward to is domain mapping — the ability to assign a domain name I own with my TypePad weblog. Last night I noticed that domain mapping beta testing was in progress, so I sent a note to let them know that I was interested. Lo and behold, I got my response this morning, made a few clicks to my domain configurations…
…and it worked! Eclecticism is now residing at www.michaelhanscom.com! Even better, the old address of djwudi.typepad.com will still work as a backup, so any links out there pointing my way will still work, without any issues whatsoever.
So, feel free to update your bookmarks to point to www.michaelhanscom.com (or don’t, whatever suits your fancy). I know I’ve been bouncing everyone around in the past few months — from djwudi.com’s ‘The Long Letter’ to djwudi.typepad.com and now to michaelhanscom.com — but this should be the last move for the foreseeable future.
What of djwudi.com, then? Well, I’ll likely leave my DJ Wüdi propaganda over there, as well as having it available for whatever other little projects I want to play with when I’m in the mood to geek out, so it won’t be disappearing. Just in case you were worried. ;)
Dean 'near-perfect' in latest debate
I missed another debate among the Democratic challengers last night. Unlike the last one, though, this time Dean apparently strongly held his place as the definite front runner. Two quotes from some of the various recaps caught my eye this morning:
Slate’s William Saletan had this to say:
Howard Dean’s performance was near-perfect. Strategically, Dean is way ahead of the pack. He has fulfilled the affirmative part of the campaign: giving people enough reasons to vote for him. Now he has the luxury of focusing on the negative part: dispelling the reasons to vote against him. Accordingly, his preparation for the last two debates seems to have focused on acting presidential and conveying competence in military and foreign policy. Tonight he accomplished both. He was at ease and in command.
And according to Adam Nagourney and Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times, Kerry is feeling the pressure from Dean:
The dominance that Dr. Dean has enjoyed, and the corresponding exasperation that has caused his rivals, was clear even before the candidates sat down in Baltimore tonight. Senator Kerry was talking to reporters before the debate here, where he was repeatedly questioned about Dr. Dean’s standing in the race and things that he had said.
After Mr. Kerry finished his news conference and began walking away with an aide, David Wade, a live microphone picked him up muttering with evident annoyance: “Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean.”
Sorry, Kerry, but from everything I’ve read, and what little I’ve seen, you just don’t impress me. I’d vote for Kerry if he got the nomination, if only to vote against Bush, but I’m really hoping that it is Dean that gets the nomination.
In fact, I’m actually looking forward to subscribing to whatever cable package I need to next year, just so I can watch a Bush/Dean presidential race debate. The thought of that lying, hedging, mealymouthed stumblebum of a president trying to go up against the confidence, poise, and fire that Dean so often shows (and is apparently getting much better at as things progress) is incredibly amusing. I’m definitely looking forward to actually being able to see Bush fall flat on his face come 2004.
(via Mathew Gross, Kos, and Len)