Happy Places

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Everybody’s got a ‘Happy Place’ of one sort or another. The mental refuge you keep for when nothing’s going right, or something you’re witnessing is just too disturbing for you to deal with at the moment. Back off, find your Happy Place, and relax until things have calmed down.

My friend Casey, for some reason, always reveled in doing what he could to destroy people’s Happy Places. Just one of his kicks, I suppose. For instance, one girl’s Happy Place involved playing with a lot of puppies. If I remember correctly, after discovering this, Casey went out and found a copy of the old novelty song “Dead Puppies Aren’t Much Fun” and gave it to her. She needed a new happy place after that.

He never could touch my happy place, though. See, I’ve always had a strong fascination with a lot of very “dark” things. One of my favorite authors is William S. Burroughs. One of my favorite visual artists is H. R. Giger. For many years, I had a fascination (obsession) with trent reznor of nine inch nails. Happy, sunshiney, cheerful stuff like that.

My Happy Place was an animated movie.

Script by William S. Burroughs.

Score by trent reznor.

Animation and art direction by H. R. Giger.

Directed by Terry Gilliam and/or David Fincher and/or Darren Aronofsky and/or David Cronenberg (either joinly, or each taking a different section of the film, or possibly a series of films…whatever).

Casey never did find a way to destroy that particular little Happy Place. He tried making me visualize slapping a “Smiley Face” in the middle of it, but I started having too much fun envisioning a “Smiley Face” as drawn by Giger, and Casey gave up.

My Happy Place was — and is — safe and unscathed.

(Loosely inspired by BlogFodder.)

BlogFodder

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Here’s an interesting idea — BlogFodder, a daily e-mail with a short snippet of text intended to (hopefully) inspire musings, thoughts, and possibly future weblog posts. Meg’s likening it to the old school exercises where a class was given a single topic or title and ended up creating umpteen different stories seems right on target. Worth keeping an eye on, at least.

Ten-minute Two Towers

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A hilarious parody of the movie version of The Two Towers. Many thanks to d kitty for posting this!

The Ten-Minute Two Towers

Author: Molly J. Ringwraith (a.k.a. Molly Winter, Molly J. Ringle….)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: A somewhat condensed parody version of the film ‘The Two Towers.’

Disclaimer: The Tolkien characters are not of my creation.

Author’s notes: Feel free to send this to your friends, but please keep my name on it! If you want to include it in some official or semi-official publication (webzine, newsletter, periodical, press package, what have you), then please contact me first, because I think I might be entitled to a cut of the profits or something. ;)

Also: I loved this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes….

CARADHRAS

GANDALF: Isn’t it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on top of a mountain?

BALROG: Who cares. It’s freaking cold up here. I give up.

GANDALF: Cool. I think I’ll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year…

EMYN MUIL

SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO’s shoulders.

SAM: So, sir. Finally it’s just you and me.

FRODO: “Finally”? What do you mean?

SAM: Oh, uh…nothing…

FRODO: Well, you’re wrong. We’ve got company.

GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.

SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!

SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.

GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.

FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.

GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?

SAM: You stop talking to Mr. — hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn’t look half bad in eyeliner.

RIDDERMARK

EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark…

LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I have heard it! That’s one of my favorites.

ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high…?

EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.

ARAGORN: Thank you; that’s…useful…

EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.

FANGORN FOREST

MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!

PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.

TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!

TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.

FANGORN FOREST (next day)

GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?

ARAGORN: Gandalf! You’re alive!

LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!

EDORAS

MOLLY: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let’s see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.

THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.

GRIMA: That’s the way I like it.

GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!

THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son’s dead.

GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.

ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm’s Deep.

EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!

ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.

EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.

ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let’s move along.

EN ROUTE TO HELM’S DEEP

LEGOLAS: Wargs!

LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.

GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?

LEGOLAS: I’m guessing…wargs dying.

ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas’s fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.

GIMLI: Ugh, that’s sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!

ARAGORN falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had another facial expression!

ITHILIEN

SAM: Gollum is such a freak.

FRODO: Yeah, well, you’re a jerk.

SAM: What? He is a freak.

FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?

SAM: Why are you picking on me?

FRODO: I’m so sick of listening to you. It’s always nag, nag, nag. I didn’t ask you to come along, you know.

SAM: What the hell?

FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.

SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing…

FRODO: Oh, spare me.

FRODO stomps off.

RIVENDELL

ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.

ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.

ARWEN: Why do you say that?

ARAGORN: Because you’re not even supposed to be in this book.

ARWEN: Don’t be mean. I’ll tell Daddy.

ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it’s not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it’s a horse. Or maybe Gimli.

HELM’S DEEP

ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.

LEGOLAS: Oh, good heavens. You look terrible. You are not wearing that to the battle tonight, are you? And your hair! What will we do with you?

ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.

RIVENDELL

GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?

ELROND: Yes, speaking.

GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it’s Galadriel.

ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?

GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo.

ELROND: Yeah, I’ve been wondering about him lately.

GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have so much stuff to do.

ELROND: I know! And Aragorn’s being such a wiener, I’m not even sure I want him to marry my daughter…

GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.

ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I’m getting another telepathy call.

GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?

GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?

ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!

GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.

ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn’t you die or something?

GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There’s a war about to start at Helm’s Deep.

GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?

GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.

GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I’ll send Haldir or something. He’s expendable.

HELM’S DEEP

LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.

ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

LEGOLAS: You’re just jealous because I’m pretty.

ARAGORN: You’re just jealous because I’m going to be king.

LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.

ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.

(Ten minutes later)

LEGOLAS: I didn’t mean that.

ARAGORN: It’s okay. Me neither.

LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?

ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?

FANGORN FOREST

PIPPIN: So we’re still riding on this tree bloke’s shoulders…

MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don’t even want to imagine.

ITHILIEN

SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.

GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!

SAM: What’s your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.

GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.

FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something’s out there in the forest.

SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what would be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill.

GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes…

FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone’s coming.

SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney…

FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It’s Martha Stewart!

GOLLUM: Where?

SAM: Where?

FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that’s about to step on us?

FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let’s take them home.

FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.

HELM’S DEEP

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows.

ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn’t expect that.

PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I…

GIMLI: Arr! I’m funny because I’m short.

LEGOLAS: I’m funny because I make fun of how short you are!

HENNETH ANNUN

FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?

FRODO: I’m Frodo. This is Sam.

FARAMIR: Your…image consultant?

SAM: His gardener.

FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ kind of way?

SAM: Exactly.

FRODO: Righ—What??

HELM’S DEEP

ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people…

LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.

ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys — I meant the audience.

GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?

GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Look, I don’t think about you that way…

GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!

FANGORN FOREST

TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.

PIPPIN: I didn’t expect that.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I…

MERRY: Don’t you even care? This is your planet too!

PIPPIN: You’re very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.

MERRY: Am I? Thanks.

TREEBEARD: Hoom, don’t care. Taking you home.

PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I’ll bat my eyelashes at him.

MERRY: Good plan. I know I sure can’t resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)

PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?

TREEBEARD: Ooom…Damn it, hoom…how can I say no to those eyes.

OSGILIATH

FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.

FRODO: Ow! Hey! That’s it — this time I’m cutting your throat.

SAM: But Mr. Frodo…I was saving the world…you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul…

FRODO: No, I wasn’t. I was doing a lightning experiment.

SAM: Well, that’s pretty stupid too, now isn’t it.

FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.

FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.

SAM: There are good things in the world. And that’s what we’re protecting. And up there, it’s their time, but down here, it’s our time…

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN’s place.

TREEBEARD: What the bloody…Ents! Attack!

MERRY: Once again, Pippin’s wily eyelashes save the world.

PIPPIN: Aww, you’re just saying that.

SAM (V.O.): …and I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character…

HELM’S DEEP

GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.

ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!

GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.

ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.

SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced…

FRODO (V.O.): Um…Sam…

ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though…

EOWYN: What?

ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD: Hey. We’re busy flooding Isengard here. We can’t be two places at once.

OSGILIATH

SAM: …let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to —

FRODO: Sam!!

SAM: What?

FRODO: They’re letting us go. Come on.

SAM: Oh. Oh, good.

EN ROUTE TO MORDOR

SAM: They’re going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.

FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you’ve saved my life so many times now, I guess I’ll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.

SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?

FRODO: Yes?

SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.

FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.

SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?

FRODO: Yeah. You like it…?

GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)…Kill…(mumble)…death to hobbits…(mumble mumble)…feed them to her…(mumble, mumble)…pain, suffering…(mumble)…make them cry…(mumble)…kill hobbitses…(mumble)…she will destroy hobbitses…

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) “She?” Did he say “she”, and “her”? Who’s “she?”

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Shut up!

Installing MT on OS X

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While searching around for pointers on getting MovableType moved over to a MySQL backend rather than the DBD backend I’m currently using, I ran across a few good general resources for OS X MovableType installations.

There’s probably more out there, but these are a good start.

Comment preview upgrade

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Hooray for people smarter than me! Or, at the very least, more knowledgable of all sorts of javascripty goodness and magic.

A couple days ago, Phillip found my ‘Live Comment Preview‘ and incorporated it into his blog. However, not satisfied with what I had, he improved the code so that it recognizes and inserts linebreaks correctly!

So, I’ve gone and snagged the improvement, and tossed it into the script on my site. Better and better all the time…thanks Phillip!

GeoURL

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I’ve just signed on with GeoURL, a web service that ties a weblog to a location, so that you can find out who your blogging neighbors are in a true geographic sense. For a quick example, to see who’s close to me, just check GeoURL. Just another fun toy to play with.

(Found via Jeremy)

Rollins!

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STG Presents Henry Rollins Jan 10STG Presents Henry Rollins Jan 10

I’m a bit late posting this, as I’ve been battling with a flu/sore throat bug that’s kept me in bed and downing NyQil for most of the weekend, but Friday’s fun was seeing Henry Rollins spoken-word act at the Moore Theatre here in downtown Seattle. While I’ve never been a huge fan of Henry’s music (Black Flag, The Rollins Band, etc.), I became a big fan of his spoken-word performances a few years ago after one of the people hanging around the Pit brought over a videotape of Talking From the Box.

Rollins is an incredibly intelligent man, and does great spoken-word performances — cynical, insightful, hilarious, disturbing, and about ten or twenty other good adjectives. I’d been able to see him once before when he came to Anchorage a couple years back, and as soon as Candice let me know that he was going to be in Seattle, I knew I’d want to go again. As it turned out, Candice picked me up from work and we went, then met up with Chad, Rick, Casey, Liza (Rick’s roommate), Kim, and Kayo, and then we all went out to a bar after the show. The show was great, the after-show party was a lot of fun, and I had a blast, up until I finally had to head home and put my sick self to bed.

I’d had the Rollins spoken word album Think Tank for a while (autographed by The Man, even, after the show in Anchorage), and I highly recommend it. At the show Friday night, there were two new spoken word albums available — Talk is Cheap, Volumes one and two, both of them 2-disc sets, and both of them just ten dollars each! At the moment they’re only available at his shows, too — needless to say, I’ve got them both.

Snippets from a couple articles about Rollins from local papers plugging his show:

“In a way, I think it’s good that major labels have charged so much money for their wares,” he said. “Because it’s going to cave in and there will only be one record company. A new release will just say, ‘FM Music,’ and it will sound like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Jennifer Lopez put in a Cuisinart with the Korn guitar player, who will be out of a job….”

— Seattle P-I: Henry Rollins likes to keep himself ‘off balance.’

“TO ME,” SAYS Henry Rollins, “the way to really get close to the material is to go at it from almost an insane or an absurdist angle. If you just go for the straight facts, you know, they kind of come up to meet you with a fist in the face. It’s like the idea of us getting into a war with North Korea. I can’t see it happening, but the way for me to internalize it is to envision these old guys running around the war room with hard-ons, looking for some payback for when they had to bail out of Pusan in the ’50s. Or Donald Rumsfeld’s thing: ‘Yeah, we can handle two wars! Absolutely two wars! How ’bout fuckin’ three? Come on, you motherfuckers, we’ll start two half-wars over at your house, and we’ll have another one on the White House lawn right now, bitch!'”

— Seattle Weekly: Henry Rollins Brings the Noise

A call for help!

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I’m using a fairly heavily adapted version of the Hide/Show Comments hack from Scriptygoddess to hide and show the clickable smileys I’ve added to my site. I simplified the javascript a lot, but in doing so, the ‘hide/show smileys’ links on any post in my blog only work under Internet Explorer, and fail in various ways in any other browser (Netscape/Mozilla/Chimera don’t seem to be recognizing the javascript, and just reload the page, and Safari (and therefore probably also Konqueror, since they both use the kHTML rendering engine) doesn’t even display the links!).

Could anyone possibly give me some help on getting these to at least work under both IE and Netscape/Mozilla/Chimera, if not Safari also? I don’t know enough about javascript to know how to fix this!

(This plea has also been posted on the MovableType support forum.)

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Why does [Pres. Bush] want to drop bombs on innocent Iraqis?

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Hot damn. Just when I thought that the media was fairly useless, pointless, and completely under the Governmental thumb, along comes something like this transcript from a press breifing with Ari Fleischer:

MR. FLEISCHER: Good afternoon and happy New Year to everybody. The President began his day with an intelligence briefing, followed by an FBI briefing. Then he had a series of policy briefings. And this afternoon, the President will look forward to a Cabinet meeting where the President will discuss with members of his Cabinet his agenda for the year. The President is going to focus on economic growth, making America a more compassionate country, and providing for the security of our nation abroad and on the homefront.

And with that, I’m more than happy to take your questions. Helen.

Q: At the earlier briefing, Ari, you said that the President deplored the taking of innocent lives. Does that apply to all innocent lives in the world? And I have a follow-up.

MR. FLEISCHER: I refer specifically to a horrible terrorist attack on Tel Aviv that killed scores and wounded hundreds. And the President, as he said in his statement yesterday, deplores in the strongest terms the taking of those lives and the wounding of those people, innocents in Israel.

Q: My follow-up is, why does he want to drop bombs on innocent Iraqis?

MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, the question is how to protect Americans, and our allies and friends —

Q: They’re not attacking you.

MR. FLEISCHER: — from a country —

Q: Have they laid the glove on you or on the United States, the Iraqis, in 11 years?

MR. FLEISCHER: I guess you have forgotten about the Americans who were killed in the first Gulf War as a result of Saddam Hussein’s aggression then.

Q: Is this revenge, 11 years of revenge?

MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, I think you know very well that the President’s position is that he wants to avert war, and that the President has asked the United Nations to go into Iraq to help with the purpose of averting war.

Q: Would the President attack innocent Iraqi lives?

MR. FLEISCHER: The President wants to make certain that he can defend our country, defend our interests, defend the region, and make certain that American lives are not lost.

Q: And he thinks they are a threat to us?

MR. FLEISCHER: There is no question that the President thinks that Iraq is a threat to the United States.

Q: The Iraqi people?

MR. FLEISCHER: The Iraqi people are represented by their government. If there was regime change, the Iraqi —

Q: So they will be vulnerable?

MR. FLEISCHER: Actually, the President has made it very clear that he has not dispute with the people of Iraq. That’s why the American policy remains a policy of regime change. There is no question the people of Iraq —

Q: That’s a decision for them to make, isn’t it? It’s their country.

MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, if you think that the people of Iraq are in a position to dictate who their dictator is, I don’t think that has been what history has shown.

Q: I think many countries don’t have — people don’t have the decision — including us.

I have no idea who “Helen” is, but I’d dearly love to. She’s got more cojones than most people I know, that’s for sure.

(Via Megnut)