Film

While I’m not nearly as much of a movie buff as many, I do like ’em and watch ’em when I can.

Ten-minute Two Towers

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A hilarious parody of the movie version of The Two Towers. Many thanks to d kitty for posting this!

The Ten-Minute Two Towers

Author: Molly J. Ringwraith (a.k.a. Molly Winter, Molly J. Ringle….)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: A somewhat condensed parody version of the film ‘The Two Towers.’

Disclaimer: The Tolkien characters are not of my creation.

Author’s notes: Feel free to send this to your friends, but please keep my name on it! If you want to include it in some official or semi-official publication (webzine, newsletter, periodical, press package, what have you), then please contact me first, because I think I might be entitled to a cut of the profits or something. ;)

Also: I loved this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes….

CARADHRAS

GANDALF: Isn’t it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on top of a mountain?

BALROG: Who cares. It’s freaking cold up here. I give up.

GANDALF: Cool. I think I’ll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year…

EMYN MUIL

SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO’s shoulders.

SAM: So, sir. Finally it’s just you and me.

FRODO: “Finally”? What do you mean?

SAM: Oh, uh…nothing…

FRODO: Well, you’re wrong. We’ve got company.

GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.

SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!

SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.

GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.

FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.

GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?

SAM: You stop talking to Mr. — hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn’t look half bad in eyeliner.

RIDDERMARK

EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark…

LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I have heard it! That’s one of my favorites.

ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high…?

EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.

ARAGORN: Thank you; that’s…useful…

EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.

FANGORN FOREST

MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!

PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.

TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!

TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.

FANGORN FOREST (next day)

GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?

ARAGORN: Gandalf! You’re alive!

LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!

EDORAS

MOLLY: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let’s see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.

THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.

GRIMA: That’s the way I like it.

GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!

THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son’s dead.

GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.

ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm’s Deep.

EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!

ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.

EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.

ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let’s move along.

EN ROUTE TO HELM’S DEEP

LEGOLAS: Wargs!

LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.

GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?

LEGOLAS: I’m guessing…wargs dying.

ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas’s fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.

GIMLI: Ugh, that’s sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!

ARAGORN falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had another facial expression!

ITHILIEN

SAM: Gollum is such a freak.

FRODO: Yeah, well, you’re a jerk.

SAM: What? He is a freak.

FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?

SAM: Why are you picking on me?

FRODO: I’m so sick of listening to you. It’s always nag, nag, nag. I didn’t ask you to come along, you know.

SAM: What the hell?

FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.

SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing…

FRODO: Oh, spare me.

FRODO stomps off.

RIVENDELL

ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.

ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.

ARWEN: Why do you say that?

ARAGORN: Because you’re not even supposed to be in this book.

ARWEN: Don’t be mean. I’ll tell Daddy.

ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it’s not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it’s a horse. Or maybe Gimli.

HELM’S DEEP

ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.

LEGOLAS: Oh, good heavens. You look terrible. You are not wearing that to the battle tonight, are you? And your hair! What will we do with you?

ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.

RIVENDELL

GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?

ELROND: Yes, speaking.

GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it’s Galadriel.

ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?

GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo.

ELROND: Yeah, I’ve been wondering about him lately.

GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have so much stuff to do.

ELROND: I know! And Aragorn’s being such a wiener, I’m not even sure I want him to marry my daughter…

GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.

ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I’m getting another telepathy call.

GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?

GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?

ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!

GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.

ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn’t you die or something?

GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There’s a war about to start at Helm’s Deep.

GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?

GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.

GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I’ll send Haldir or something. He’s expendable.

HELM’S DEEP

LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.

ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

LEGOLAS: You’re just jealous because I’m pretty.

ARAGORN: You’re just jealous because I’m going to be king.

LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.

ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.

(Ten minutes later)

LEGOLAS: I didn’t mean that.

ARAGORN: It’s okay. Me neither.

LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?

ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?

FANGORN FOREST

PIPPIN: So we’re still riding on this tree bloke’s shoulders…

MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don’t even want to imagine.

ITHILIEN

SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.

GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!

SAM: What’s your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.

GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.

FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something’s out there in the forest.

SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what would be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill.

GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes…

FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone’s coming.

SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney…

FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It’s Martha Stewart!

GOLLUM: Where?

SAM: Where?

FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that’s about to step on us?

FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let’s take them home.

FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.

HELM’S DEEP

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows.

ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn’t expect that.

PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I…

GIMLI: Arr! I’m funny because I’m short.

LEGOLAS: I’m funny because I make fun of how short you are!

HENNETH ANNUN

FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?

FRODO: I’m Frodo. This is Sam.

FARAMIR: Your…image consultant?

SAM: His gardener.

FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ kind of way?

SAM: Exactly.

FRODO: Righ—What??

HELM’S DEEP

ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people…

LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.

ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys — I meant the audience.

GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?

GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Look, I don’t think about you that way…

GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!

FANGORN FOREST

TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.

PIPPIN: I didn’t expect that.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I…

MERRY: Don’t you even care? This is your planet too!

PIPPIN: You’re very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.

MERRY: Am I? Thanks.

TREEBEARD: Hoom, don’t care. Taking you home.

PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I’ll bat my eyelashes at him.

MERRY: Good plan. I know I sure can’t resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)

PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?

TREEBEARD: Ooom…Damn it, hoom…how can I say no to those eyes.

OSGILIATH

FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.

FRODO: Ow! Hey! That’s it — this time I’m cutting your throat.

SAM: But Mr. Frodo…I was saving the world…you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul…

FRODO: No, I wasn’t. I was doing a lightning experiment.

SAM: Well, that’s pretty stupid too, now isn’t it.

FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.

FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.

SAM: There are good things in the world. And that’s what we’re protecting. And up there, it’s their time, but down here, it’s our time…

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN’s place.

TREEBEARD: What the bloody…Ents! Attack!

MERRY: Once again, Pippin’s wily eyelashes save the world.

PIPPIN: Aww, you’re just saying that.

SAM (V.O.): …and I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character…

HELM’S DEEP

GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.

ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!

GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.

ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.

SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced…

FRODO (V.O.): Um…Sam…

ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though…

EOWYN: What?

ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD: Hey. We’re busy flooding Isengard here. We can’t be two places at once.

OSGILIATH

SAM: …let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to —

FRODO: Sam!!

SAM: What?

FRODO: They’re letting us go. Come on.

SAM: Oh. Oh, good.

EN ROUTE TO MORDOR

SAM: They’re going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.

FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you’ve saved my life so many times now, I guess I’ll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.

SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?

FRODO: Yes?

SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.

FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.

SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?

FRODO: Yeah. You like it…?

GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)…Kill…(mumble)…death to hobbits…(mumble mumble)…feed them to her…(mumble, mumble)…pain, suffering…(mumble)…make them cry…(mumble)…kill hobbitses…(mumble)…she will destroy hobbitses…

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) “She?” Did he say “she”, and “her”? Who’s “she?”

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Shut up!

The Two Towers

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Just got back from seeing Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

Oh my lord.

At this point, if Peter Jackson doesn’t get some sort of special achievement Oscar after Return of the King is released, I’ll be quite surprised and dissapointed. Fellowship of the Ring was an excellent film, and a masterful job of adapting what was for years considered an “unfilmable” literary work to the screen — but the possibility was there that that could have been a fluke. Here, Jackson had the task of following up the blockbuster success of LotR:FotR with a “middle movie” that had neither a definite beginning nor end to its story. While because of that LotR:TTT admittedly cannot stand entirely on its own as a single entity (and I would hate to be someone in the unenviable position of attempting to watch LotR:TTT without having first watched LotR:FotR), as the second chapter in an epic saga, it is far and away an absolutely incredible achievement.

More thoughts follow — not entirely spoiler-free, though, click through at your own risk….

Read more

Caught by the Zeitgeist

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I’ve been having a blast recently watching the effects of current trends on my little corner of the ‘net here at djwudi.com. Last October I ran across a website claiming to be a protest against the latest installment in the Lord of the Rings trilogy of films, ‘The Two Towers’, equating its title to the WTC attacks of Sep. 11th. Seeing this as something ridiculous and fairly laughable, I posted about it.

Over the past week and a half or so, as the release date for LotR:TTT has grown closer and closer, that entry on my site has suddenly been getting a highly unusual amount of interest. While I figure my primary regular readership consists of somewhere around ten people (mostly family and friends, but I know I’ve picked up a few other readers over the past few months), I do get a fair amount of one-time visitors finding my site through search engines, so when a comment popped up on that post on Dec. 9th, I wasn’t all too surprised. But then another comment appeared. And another. And another! What the heck?

I wondered at first if I’d been linked to from another, more high-profile site, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all. After going through my referral logs, it seems that this is all just due to people finding that page through searches, primarily from Google. At the time of this writing, Googling for “two towers protest” returns my page as the third primary link, and according to my site statistics for the past week, that has become the third most popular page on my site (197 hits during the week of 12/8-12/14, just behind my index page at 220 hits, and the index page for The Long Letter at 279 hits)!

Fun to watch, certainly. Not sure if I’ve picked up any more regular visitors or not from all this, and while it didn’t really lead to any discussion per se (more a lot of somewhat amusing self-righteous indignation and rambling, for the most part), it is kind of cool to see one page on my site with eighteen seperate comments posted, mostly from people that aren’t regulars (that I know of, at least).

Y’all come back now, ya heah?! ;)

Friday Five

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This is one of those ‘net memes that has been going on for quite a while now. Figured I’d go ahead and jump on the bandwagon.

  1. What is your favorite scary movie?

    I have such a hard time with ‘favorite’ lists — narrowing any category down to a single entry is damn near impossible. The first ones that pop into my head, though, are The Blair Witch Project, Alien, and Something Wicked This Way Comes.

  2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?

    Candy corn, definitely. Love that stuff.

  3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.

    I haven’t in years, but I think the best I ever had was ‘The Blue Beetle’, when I was a kid. We got a blue snowsuit, and mom sewed an extra pair of arms onto it, connected to my arms with string, so that they moved with mine. I couldn’t tell you anymore where we came up with the idea for the costume, or even whether or not it had antennae, or anything else — but the costume, and especially the arms, has stuck in my brain for years afterwards, so I must have been pretty impressed by it back then.

  4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?

    Something else I haven’t done in years. I had fun going to them with friends a few times, but I think they lost their luster after a while. How many times can you walk down a dark corridor, waiting for someone to jump out and yell “BOO!” before it starts to get boring?

  5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?

    It’s not looking like it. Again. Someday I’ll get back into it…

(Thanks to the Friday Five)

Two Towers protest

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This just might be the single stupidest thing I’ve seen in a very long time. A group of people have put up a website protesting the title of the next Lord of the Rings movie, “The Two Towers”, because, “The name of this movie will undoubtedly cause a return of the emotions felt on Sept 11th which left so many people in the nation feeling stunned and in a state of shock.”

From their FAQ:

The movie is intentionally being named The Two Towers in order to capitalize on the tragedy of September 11. Clearly, you cannot deny the fact that this falls under hate speech. We believe that if they will not willingly change the name, the government should step in to stop the movie’s production or to force a name change.

Just amazing.

Why movies are bad

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Most movies seem to follow the following formula to success:

  1. Hire big actors for the gross national product of a small nation
  2. Spend another few GNP on special effects
  3. Give a wino in the parking lot 5 bucks and a slightly used cigarette for a script

— substrate, on MeFi

Animatrix

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What is the Animatrix?

Well, okay, so my first answer would probably involve something along the lines of Betty Page making a cameo in a Roger Rabbit cartoon. But that’d be wrong.

Animatrix screen grabIt’s actually the title of a DVD coming out sometime in 2003, where (as far as I can tell from the trailer) nine stories set in the universe of The Matrix will be told using various styles of animation. Sounds cool, and quite a few of the shots in the trailer are little short of mindblowing. Certainly seems to be worth keeping an eye out for, in any case.

Top 25 lines from Star Wars…

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…that are improved by substituting the word “pants”:

  1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
  3. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
  5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
  6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
  8. Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
  9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
  10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  11. TK-421…why aren’t you in your pants?
  12. Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
  13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
  14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
  15. Luke…help me take…these pants off.
  16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
  17. That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
  18. Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
  19. Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
  20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
  21. Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  25. You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.

Thanks to Demented Kitty

Eight Legged Freaks

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The Itsy-bitsy spider…

…isn’t so itsy-bitsy, and is more likely to be climbing up a television tower than a water spout.

I just got back from seeing Eight Legged Freaks.

Was it a good movie? Well…honestly, no, it wasn’t.

Was it worth the money? Definitely! Movies like this aren’t supposed to be good movies — they’re supposed to be fun! Which ELF definitely qualifies as. A silly premise, scientific accuracy thrown out the window, sterotypical characters, and cheezy lines, all add up (in my world, at least) to a very enjoyable couple hours at the movies.

It’s not, however, as good as either of the two movies it immediately invites comparison to — Arachnophobia for the creepy-crawly spider jitters, or Tremors for the pesudo-50’s horror movie homage. Arachnophobia had better (though, of course, still questionable) effects, and the more realistically sized spiders in that one were much more freaky for me than the oversized beasties in ELF, and Tremors has a slight edge in the sense of humor — ELF wasn’t bad or humorless, but wasn’t quite as tongue-in-cheek witty as Tremors managed to be.

Still — quite enjoyable, and I had a lot of fun watching it.