Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

A Seattle-centric blonde joke

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A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, “Listen, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, “I’ll make you happy, and you can make me happy.” The blonde nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. “What the hell are you doing here?” the Captain demanded angrily. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly) he’s taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink).”

“He sure as hell is, lady,” the Captain said, “this is the Bremerton ferry.”

(via LJ Seattle)

iTunes ”Gabrielles Party“ by Mason, Steve from the album Goa Rave (1994, 7:20).

23rd Psalm (2004 version)

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Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches,
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party’s sake.
Yea though no weapons of mass destruction have been
found, thou continueth to fear evil.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending,
they do discomfort me.
Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt,
And my days of savings and assets are all over.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the
days of thy administration.
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement
forever.

(via Dad.)

iTunes “Jupiter (Edit) (from The Planets)” by London Symphony Orchestra from the album Something for Everybody (1974, 4:37).

Genefilter

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Fun toy time: Genefilter. Choose a MeFi user and Genefilter will use that user’s posts and comments to randomly generate a comment. Amusing results soon follow…

A few choice phrases generated from my account:

Lastly, commercials drive me up the ever-loving wall. Even when I picked up the ever-loving wall. Even when I read more. I go wander around the ‘net, or pop in a DVD to watch.

The packaging of the vendor, rather than a gnat.

Another benefit, though this is extremely subjective/IMNSHO, is that I’ve shot my mouth off, offering up Sex…

(via Jerry Kindall)

The Typical Briton

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The Typical Briton

The caption on this Yahoo photo was odd enough that I wonder if it may not disappear in the near future, so rather than simply linking to it, I figured I’d grab a quick screenshot and post it also.

A British hooligan in the streets of Belgium. The typical Briton is polite, witty and phlegmatic, but lacks a certain style and has a dental hygiene issue while having an occasional drinking problem.

Slow day, maybe? A caption writer a little too bored on the job? Some humorous filler text that accidentally got approved? There’s no real way of knowing, unfortunately.

(via kottke)

Update: Apparently, the caption has something to do with a survey of what other nations think of the Brits.

(also via kottke)

iTunes “World’s Made Up of This and That, The (Fatboy Slim)” by Deeds Plus Thoughts from the album Fatboy Slim’s Greatest Remixes (2000, 5:48).

Editorial commentary

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I don’t know how long this will last — probably not very long, but as of right now if you go to this page, right click on the image of George and Laura Bush and save it to your desktop, you’ll get an amusing suprise…

…the filename of the image is ‘asshole.jpg’!

Bushhole

Forgive the crudeness of the above screenshot composite (I’m no graphic artist), but just in case this disappears, I had to save the moment for posterity. Click on the image for a full-size version.

Seems someone in either CNN or Netscape isn’t too thrilled with the election turnout.

Good for them.

(originally discovered by Jonas, passed on to me by Jeannie)

Lunar Eclipse tonight

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John reminded me that there’s a lunar eclipse tonight. If the skies stay as clear as they are right now, I may climb up to the roof of my apartment building and see if I can get any decent pictures.

In the meantime, I present this handy-dandy guide to eclipse terminology.

An eclipse of the moon occurs when the sun passes between the earth and the moon.

An eclipse of the sun occurs when the shadow of the earth falls on the sun.

An eclipse of the earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes.

(Images from Tom Weller‘s seminal 1985 technical opus, Science Made Stupid)

iTunes “Fascination Street (Extended)” by Cure, The from the album Mixed Up (1990, 8:48).

Martin Luther’s Toilet

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An important, if amusing, find in Wittenberg recently: Martin Luther’s toilet.

German archeologists say they have discovered the toilet on which Martin Luther wrote the 95 Theses that launched the Protestant Reformation.

Luther frequently alluded to the fact that he suffered from chronic constipation and spent much of his time in contemplation on the toilet.

Experts say they have been certain for years that the 16th century religious leader wrote the groundbreaking Theses while on das klo, as the Germans call it. But they did not know where the object was until they discovered the stone construction after recently stumbling across the remains of an annex of his house in Wittenberg, southwest of Berlin, during plans to plant a garden.

Something tells me dad will get a kick out of this.

iTunes “Blisters on My Brain” by Lo-Fidelity Allstars from the album Y2K: Beat the Clock (1998, 6:45).