Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

One of life's eternal battles

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Okay, everyone, pay attention now — this is important.

When you replace the roll of toilet paper (because I’m sure you all do that as soon as the last roll is done, rather than letting the empty cardboard tube sit there, mocking whatever unlucky soul is the next to use the restroom, teasing them with the lack of available toilet paper as they desperately cast their gaze around the room, hoping that they’re not going to have to do a pants-around-the-ankles waddle across the bathroom because the fresh rolls are, of course, stored just out of arms reach)…

Over?

toilet paper over the roll

Or under?

toilet paper under the roll

Would you buy this shirt?

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I’ve had this bouncing around in my head for a while now, and it makes me laugh. I’ve been considering making it into a shirt to sell through this site — the question is, would anyone buy it?

I'm just here to get laid.

Personally, I can see all sorts of good occasions to wear a shirt like this.

Barhopping with friends.

Wandering around town.

Dean meet-ups.

Weddings.

Funerals.

Church.

Whenever.

Any takers?

Update: Okay, the deed is done. I got two “yes” answers by IM just after putting this post up, so I figured it was worth a shot. If this tickles your funnybone — go shopping and buy a shirt!

A marriage made in heaven

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…If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

…If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

…If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

…If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

…If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

…If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

…If Olivia Newton…John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton…John Newton John.

…If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

…If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

…If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

…If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

…G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros…Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

…If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

…If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

…If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

(via Prairie)

French 'Engrish'

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One of the ladies here at work just came back from a week in Paris, and she brought back an inflatable Eiffel Tower for us. The greatest part, of course, is the instruction sheet — apparently, ‘Engrish‘ is multilingual…

WARNING
HELLO, I AM YOUR NEW INFLATABLE FRIEND
FROM ALEXIS LAHELLEC.
IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY WITH YOU FOREVER,
PLEAST TREAT ME RIGHT.
DON’T POKE ME WITH SHARP THINGS,
AND ALTHOUGH I KNOW YOU LOVE ME
DON’T OVER BLOW ME.
DON’T EVEN THINK OF PUTTING ME ON OR NEAR HOT STAFF,
AND I DO NOT LIKE STRONG MACHO ELECTRIC PUMP EITHER.

Ogni homo me guarda come fosse una testa de cazi

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(I don’t normally re-post entire articles, but this one was too good to pass up, and it only seemed to be on Yahoo! News, which deletes its pages after a week or two. Enjoy.)

Bawdy Phallic Plate Heads for Oxford

The maiolica plate

LONDON (Reuters) – A leading British museum has paid \$387,000 for a Renaissance plate which shows a male head made up entirely of phalluses.

The Italian plate is thought to have been made by ceramicist Francesco Urbini in the 16th century.

It shows a head made up of around 50 fleshy penises, wrapped round each other to form a dense, knotted whole.

The head is framed by a garland carrying the inscription: “Ogni homo me guarda come fosse una testa de cazi” (Every man looks at me as if I were a dickhead).

The phrase is still a common term of abuse in Italy and elsewhere.

Oxford’s Ashmolean Museum, which has bought the plate, describes it as “one of the most extraordinary and fascinating pieces of Italian maiolica (a style of ceramic painting) in existence.”

It is a rare example of bawdy Renaissance art which survived the suppression of later, more prudish, generations, it said.

The Ashmolean said the inspiration for the plate remains obscure but it was painted “presumably with an individual in mind.”

(via Dad)

Cauliflower of love

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Things like this really do make the ‘net worthwhile some days. Only NSFW if you (or your employer) take things way too seriously.

sexysusan: Thats ok. Ok I’m a japanese schoolgirl, what are you.

J-Dogg: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

sexysusan: Haha, ok lets go. sexysusan: I put my hand through your hair, and kiss you on the neck.

J-Dogg: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

sexysusan: Haha, ok, you know that turns me on. sexysusan: I start unbuttoning your shirt.

J-Dogg: Rhinoceruses don’t were shirts.

sexysusan: No, your not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.

J-Dogg: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fuking charge your ass.

sexysusan: Stop, c’mon be serious.

J-Dogg: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

(via MeFi)

Namedropper ;)

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Some people. I mean, come on…

My first exposure to the Pixies was when i was in Europe with the also now reuinited Skinny Puppy on their Mind TPI tour. Must have been 1987….

The Skinny Puppy guys were driving me crazy. Cevin was fight with the tour manager on a daily basis. It was just not an environment that i was particularly enjoying. I was helping to set up the stage and sell merchandise for Puppy. It meant i had a fair amount of down time during the day. So i wrote long notes to the Throwing Muses and the Pixies begging them to get me off the Skinny Puppy tour. I would write them on the back of the posters for our shows and then leave them a kind soul from the club to hand off to someone from the Pixies and the Throwing Muses the next night.

And if that weren’t enough…

Did i mention that i once had dinner with Michael Stipe? But by now, who hasn’t? He liked my shirt. I was tour managing the left wing of the socialist wing of the Democratic Party, Consolidated, when we were playing in Athens. The drummer for Consolidated (Phil) was putting together a compilation album for In Defense of Animals and Michael was contributing a song. He came and joined us for dinner.

As someone who, having listened to the Pixies, the Throwing Muses, Skinny Puppy, R.E.M., and Consolidated for more years than I can think of, but because of living in Anchorage — who nobody cool goes to when they’re touring — never having had even the chance of seeing these artists in concert, let alone having dinner with them, I want you to know that I say this from the deepest, darkest depths of my heart:

You lucky bastard.

;)

Sorry. Just had to get that out of my system.

(And yeah, R.E.M. does still rock — their Bumbershoot show was excellent.)