Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Who's on stage?

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Okay, this is it — the last one. Mostly because it’s the last version that I know of, but hey, that’s okay. This one comes from one of the best TV shows of all time, the Animaniacs (specifically, epsiode #59, midway through “Woodstock Slappy”). If there’s anyone out there who can get me an .mp3 of this scene, I’d love it!

Update: This clip has been posted on YouTube! Who knows how long it’ll be there before the copyright police yank it, but it’s there now…. (via MeFi)

Who’s on stage?

Skippy and Slappy are at Woodstock. Roger Daltrey is onstage singing….

SLAPPY: Skippy, what is the name of that group playing on stage?

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group playing on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: You’re starting to sound like an owl, Skippy.

SKIPPY: Who is on stage!

SLAPPY: That is what I’m askin’ ya’, who is on stage?

SKIPPY: That’s what I said.

SLAPPY: You said who?

SKIPPY: I sure did.

SLAPPY: So tell me the name.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the band on stage!

SKIPPY: Who!

SLAPPY: You’re doing that owl thing again, Skippy!

SKIPPY: I’m not, Aunt Slappy, I’m telling you Who is on stage.

SLAPPY: So tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: So tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage!

SKIPPY: Who!

SLAPPY: That’s what I’m asking you!

SKIPPY: And I’m telling you the answer.

SLAPPY: Wait, Skippy, let’s start over. Is there a band on stage?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Does the band have a name?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Do you know the name of the band?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Then tell me the name of the band on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the band!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The band, playing on stage!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: That’s what I want to know!

SKIPPY: I’m telling you!

SLAPPY: Who is on stage.

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Who is?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Oh. So the name of the band is Yes.

SKIPPY: No, Aunt Slappy, Yes is not even at this concert.

SLAPPY: Then who is on stage?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Who is?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: That’s just what I said, Yes is on stage.

SKIPPY: No, Yes is not here. Who is on stage.

SLAPPY: Whaddya askin’ me for?

SKIPPY: I’m not!

SLAPPY: Wait, let’s try this again. Do you see the band on stage?

SKIPPY: No I don’t see The Band, that’s a different group entirely.

SLAPPY: On stage, Skippy. Look, see the band?

SKIPPY: No I don’t.

SLAPPY: Get rid of those John Lennon glasses and look! There, there’s the band!

SKIPPY: No, that’s not The Band. The Band is performing later on. Who’s on stage.

SLAPPY: You tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The band!

SKIPPY: No, The Band is performing later. Right now, we’re listening to Who.

SLAPPY: That’s what I wanna know!!

[Cheering]

ROGER DALTRY: Hey, you squirrels are funny, man. Come on up here and take a bow.

SKIPPY: Yeah! Far out!

SLAPPY: Oh brother…

(Thanks to my friend Rick for tracking this down on videotape so I could finally see it after being told about it for years…still looking for that .mp3, though!)

Hu's on first?

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Seeing as how something tells me this is a good day for a little levity, and I keep getting laughs out of these, I’m continuing on a theme here. Hopefully nobody minds too terribly much! I actually had this posted on another blog a while ago, but here it is again.

Hu’s on first?

We take you now to the Oval Office…

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

— by James Sherman

Who's on first?

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I gave a copy of the “Who’s on first” takeoff that I posted earlier to the guys I work with, and one of them was completely confused. He’s originally from Britain, and had never heard of the original Abbott and Costello routine!

So, I went out and found this page, which had the .mp3 online, and was able to introduce someone to one of the classic comedy sketches of all time for the first time ever. How cool is that?

He’s still chuckling over it, too.

Abbott and Costello in Computerland

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Okay, one last thing before I head off to work. Dad sent me this today, and I damn near fell off my chair laughing at it…

Abbott and Costello in Computerland

[ring…ring…click]

ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.

COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might…what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: Go Back.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word–the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in…Oh, never mind.

[click]

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Thanks dad!

Nice tits

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A selection of beautiful pictures of Tits.

12/5/19 Update: When originally posted, this linked to a page with pictures of birds. But the domain has since been acquired by a porn site, so…no more link on this post. But at the time, it was amusing.

Opus is back!

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Penguins

(This picture has nothing to do with the story aside from the fact that it’s penguins, I’ve been looking for an excuse to use it, and it cracks me up. Anyway…)

After eight years away from newspapers, Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Berkeley Breathed is creating a new comic strip called “Opus,” starring his beloved penguin of the same name.

The Washington Post Writers Group, which will syndicate the strip, is expected to officially announce Breathed’s return this Sunday. The reclusive Breathed, who rarely gives interviews, could not be reached yesterday for comment.

The new strip will appear on Sundays in The Washington Post starting Nov. 23.

(via /.)

In the beginning…

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I first saw this years ago, and recently ran across it again thanks to Dave Caolo. It’s always made me laugh, hopefully you will too.

In the beginning, there was the computer…

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

c:> Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:> God

Enter password.

c:> Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:> Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:> Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:> Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:> Create light

Done

c:> Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:> Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:> Create firmament

Done.

c:> Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:> Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:> Create dry_land

Done.

c:> Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:> Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:> Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:> Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:> Create fish

Done

c:> Create fowl

Done

c:> Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:> Create cattle

Done

c:> Create creepy_things

Done

c:> Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:> Create man

Done

c:> Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:> Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:> Insert breath

Done

c:> Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:> Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:> Create Garden.edn

Done

c:> Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:> Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:> Copy woman from man

Done

c:> Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:> Create desire

Done

c:> Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:> Create freewill

Done

c:> Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:> Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:> Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:> Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:> Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:> Create good, evil

Done

c:> Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:> Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:> Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:> Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:> Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:> Break
c:> Break
c:> Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:> Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:> Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:> Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On March 8, God created the Macintosh.

Dark Suckers

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For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can’t handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it’s not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.

But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

— found on /.

Warning: These hurt!

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Many thanks to Kirsten for sending these my way. I got quite a few laughs out of this list, myself.

And just remember…

…the beauty of the pun is in the “oy…” of the beholder.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'” “That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What?, Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad…or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I wanted to bet him 50 dollars he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

A man came ’round in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied,”I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week…and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the doc. “It’s…um…well…I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!” says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”