Eclecticism

Okay, admittedly, I’m no fan of seafood — generally, I tend to limit my meat-eating to animals with legs that stay on land most of the time. However, even if I were more into seafood than I am, I still think that I’d be far too squicked out to try eating a dish of live octopus tentacles.

In every scenario I played out in my imagination as far as eating this dish was concerned, I predicted nothing more than a brief slimy struggle then stillness — the last words of an insignificant creature low on the food chain. Silly me. I could not have underestimated my dinner more because once in my mouth, the tentacle went into attack mode and aggressively suctioned on to my teeth, tongue and bottom lip making it nearly impossible for me to manipulate my mouth in order to eat it. My dinner was instinctively trying to preserve its own life while attempting to take mine by asphyxiating me. Needless to say, I was just a little mortified by all this. It was—how would you call it—bleepin’ freaky!!! And if that wasn’t enough, the tentacle then launched phase two of Operation Indigestion and began to whip itself about in a frenzy like it was krump dancing. In my mouth was the mollusk version of the Tasmanian Devil, ferociously flaying at the roof of my mouth and gums. I could not believe it. The feisty, little shit was kind of hurting me. Immediately, I snapped out of the absolute stunned trauma of having to fight with my food and attempted to regain control of the situation. Overpowering the tentacle with my tongue and with a little assist from my fingers, I pried the wicked thing from my gums and teeth. At last the tentacle became vulnerable to my molars. Without hesitating, I bit hard on it over and over and over again while mumbling “Die! Die! Die!” Before it could resurrect itself and do a surprise attack like some slasher movie villain, I swallowed deeply and gulped it down. “Get in my belly!” I gasped.

The dust finally settled. After all that, how does live octopus tentacle taste? A little like fury fused with fear. Spicy and garlicky because of the sauce. There is no aftertaste but there are aftereffects. (Just don’t think about what the tentacle might be doing in your stomach.) It certainly doesn’t taste like cooked squid and nowhere near fried calamari. It’s almost completely devoid of flavor. Texturally it’s highly viscous, more resembling mucous. As far as attitude, it’s the meanest and rudest piece of food I have ever brawled with. And this was only the first piece.

And if that’s not disgusting enough, here’s a video of the dish in question.

Oh. My. Lord.

Never.

(via Pharyngula)

“Fight the Power” by Public Enemy from the album Fear of a Black Planet (1990, 4:42).