Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

Jay and Silent Bob want you to vote

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Kevin Smith is directing a series of short commercials where various stars urge people to go out and vote. According to Smith, one of the shorts will feature “a pair of stoners who’re coming out of semi-retirement for the cause.”

Okay, folks. If Jay and Silent Bob are going to be voting, you’ve got no excuse not to. ;)

iTunes: “Moodswings” by Purple Nine from the album Essential Chillout (1999, 5:05).

They’re legal!

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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned eighteen on the 13th.

How did I miss that little milestone?

iTunes: “I Must Increase My Bust (MNO)” by Lords of Acid from the album I Must Increase My Bust (1992, 4:34).

Oh, wait, that song choice might be in bad taste. Let’s try this again.

iTunes: “Pussy (Hit it Hard Hit it Quick)” by Lords of Acid from the album Lords of Acid vs. Detroit (2001, 3:42).

Hmm. That one’s not much better, is it?

iTunes: “People Are Still Having Sex (Remix)” by La Tour from the album La Tour (1991, 6:11).

I just can’t seem to come up with a fitting song for this post…

iTunes: “(She’s) Sexy + 17” by Stray Cats from the album Living in Oblivion Vol. 1 (1983, 3:31).

Nope, that’s a bit late now.

iTunes: “No Sex Until Marriage (Pre-Matrimonial Climax)” by Ave Maria from the album Technorave 3: Technomania (1992, 6:03).

Hmm. Well, I guess that will have to do.

;)

2004 Republican Convention Event Schedule

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By Rich Proctor

AUG. 30

OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

  1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
  2. LEST WE FORGET — HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn’t Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)
  3. ANTONIN SCALIA speaks — \”SLAVERY – THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
  4. DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE – Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills 20’s or less)
  5. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — FILM – “BRING IT ON!” Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush’s actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow “deep cleaning” of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
  6. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “GET BAKED WITH RUSH”Crankster\” LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

AUG 31

OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. “Jerry” Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, “My God can Beat Up Your God.”

  1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
  2. WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett’s Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston’s cold dead fingers (subject to Heston’s death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
  3. DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this — may need professional actor, possibly brought in from third world country)
  4. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced “consultants”, will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)
  5. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH”Big Oxy\” LIMBAUGH!\” (Do a couple of ‘ringers’ with Big Pharma — sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)

SEPTEMBER 1

OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism™ and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.

  1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
  2. THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)
  3. ANN COULTER, BILL O’REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
  4. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS – BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)
  5. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — GET WRECKED WITH RUSH “Kicker” LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)

SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)

OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing “Let the Eagle Soar” and light the ceremonial \”TORCH OF FREEDOM™ with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

  1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FIRE ENGINE RED, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
  2. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO “GROUND ZERO” — DICK CHENEY will introduce and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT’S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)
  3. PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama’s dead body.

FIRST PEEK – Here is the proposed text for President Bush’s speech:

Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me. G’night everybody!

POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:

  1. “GET MAXED with RUSH ‘ROCKET CAP’ LIMBAUGH!” (Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)
  2. RICK SANTORUM ‘”OG ON DOG'” PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
  3. BILL O’REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
  4. SPECIAL BUFFET — JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES (sponsored by KRAFT “Thick N’ Spicy” BBQ Sauce)

(via Dad, no source given, many possible original sources)

Republican lightbulb joke

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How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

  1. one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced
  2. one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,
  3. one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,
  4. one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,
  5. one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,
  6. one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
  7. and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

(via Daily Kos)

iTunes: “Situation (Richard”Humpty\” Vission Radio Edit)\” by Yaz from the album Don’t Go/Situation (1999, 4:01).

Troy in 15 Minutes

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Too, too funny: Troy in Fifteen Minutes.

Some Battlefield

AGAMEMNON: Look, there’s no reason for me to slaughter thousands of your men. You pick out your best soldier, and I pick out mine.

KING OF THESSALY: Deal. [turns to his army] SOME GUYYYYY!

THESSALIAN ARMY: SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY!

Some Guy breaks through the crowd. His neck resembles an Easter ham and his spear is the size of a telephone pole.

SOME GUY: RAAAAAAAAA!

AGAMEMNON [turning to his army]: ACHILLEEEEEES!

GREEK ARMY: . . .

AGAMEMNON: . . .

Hut of Wanton Nudity, Some Village

BOY: OMG Achilles you’re late you gotta get up Achilles OMG!

ACHILLES: Dude, I just nailed twins. Call me in the morning.

(via Boing Boing)

iTunes: “Dreamers” by Music Makers, The from the album Junior Vasquez, Vol. 2 (1998, 8:29).

Spitting Image returning?

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One of the best discoveries I made when visiting England during the mid-80’s (sometime around 1985 or ’86, I think) was Spitting Image, a BBC political satire show using latex puppet caricatures of political figures. Hilarious stuff, and something that never really caught on in the states — for most people in the US, their only exposure to the Spitting Image puppets was in the video for Genesis’ “Land of Confusion“.

The BBC Comedy Guide has a good summary of the show:

In Spitting Image, famous characters in British and international life were re-created in the form of latex puppets, which – in the manner of newspaper political cartoons – grossly exaggerated that person’s most obvious facial or personality characteristic. Given voices by top-line impressionists and vocal caricaturists, the puppets were manipulated by a team of skilled handlers to act out the quantity of wickedly witty sketches that comprised each edition of the show. Essentially, then, viewing Spitting Image was not only like watching your favourite or most despised public figures taking part in topical comedy skits but also seeing and hearing them in a dialogue free of the omnipresent facade of PR gloss and occasional deceit – revealing, perhaps, the true personality underneath, or at the very least, a wicked, exaggerated guess at same. In this fashion, many hundreds – perhaps even a thousand – of people in the news, or faces just plain familiar to TV viewers, spanning the years 1984-96, were lampooned by Spitting Image. (To have been a Spitting Image target was deemed an honour by many.)

Now it looks like Spitting Image may be coming back!

Spitting Image producer John Lloyd is in talks with ITV in a bid to bring the satirical series back to the channel.

Mr Lloyd was an original producer of the show, which lampooned politicians and celebrities using latex puppets.

ITV confirmed having “early stage talks” with Mr Lloyd over the show, which originally ran from 1984 to 1996.

The article doesn’t mention whether the original puppetmakers Fluck and Law will be overseeing the puppet construction process or not, though as many of the original puppets were auctioned off in 2000 when Roger Law moved to Australia, that may be doubtful.

Another interesting tidbit I learned while reading about this: one of the voice actors for Spitting Image was Chris Barrie, known primarily to me as Rimmer in Red Dwarf.

iTunes: “Maestro, The” by Beastie Boys, The from the album Check Your Head (1992, 2:52).

Silly quiz time

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I’ve mentioned Something Positive a time or two in the past, but in case you’ve missed it, it’s a great little web comic. Highly recommended. So when I stumbled across this quiz tonight, I had to take it…

I'm Jason

Which member of something positive are you?
Quiz created by heatherbat

iTunes: “Of Time and Rivers Flowing” by Havens, Richie from the album Where Have All the Flowers Gone: The Songs of Pete Seeger (1997, 2:30).