Quotes

A collection of quotes that I’ve found interesting at one point or another over the years.

With stripes!

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Xander: Hey! Buffy!

Willow: You missed it!

Buffy: Missed what?

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating, thank you, very exciting.

Willow: It was like the Heimlich — with stripes!

— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, ‘The Pack‘

I missed the next few lines of the show after that, I was laughing so hard.

Today's vocabulary

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If I do manage to escape the angel, I’m not going to be able to make my living as a professional mourner, not if you people don’t have the courtesy to die. Just as well, I suppose, I’d have to learn all new dirges. I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must bust a cap in someone’s ass? Is “ho” always feminine, and “muthafucka” always masculine, while “bitch” can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to be all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be “stupid”? I’ll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.

— Levi, who is called Biff, in Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore

Sumo wrestlers and rattlesnakes

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The sheer ponderousness of the panel’s opinion — the mountain of verbiage it must deploy to explain away these fourteen short words of constitutional text — refutes its thesis far more convincingly than anything I might say. The panel’s labored effort to smother the Second Amendment by sheer body weight has all the grace of a sumo wrestler trying to kill a rattlesnake by sitting on it — and is just as likely to succeed.

— Justice Alex Kozinski, in his dissenting opinion to Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals case Silvera v. Lockyer (PDF)

(via Cory Doctorow, via trubble)

Well, of course!

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For my opinion…see a future post in the metaphysics category.

— Matt Gemmell, in this post.

Where else would I look for a future post but in the ‘metaphysics’ category?

All about love

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This was posted a long time ago to the alt.music.nin newsgroup, where I picked it up. I have no idea where it originally came from. It’s been bouncing around on my hard drive for a while, and I figured this was as good a time as any to resurrect it. Enjoy!

Notes on love (by primary schoolchildren)

Concerning why love happens between two particular people
  • “One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.”\
    Andrew, age 6
  • “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell…That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”\
    Mae, age 9
  • “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”\
    Manuel, age 8
On what falling in love is like
  • “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”\
    John, age 9
  • “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”\
    Glen, age 7
On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love
  • “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”\
    Anita, age 8
  • “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”\
    Brian, age 7
  • “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”\
    Christine, age 9
Reflections on the nature of love
  • “Mooshy…like puppy dogs…except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.”\
    Arnold, age 10
  • “All of a sudden, the people get movie fever, so they can sit together in the dark.”\
    Sherri, age 8
Concerning why lovers hold hands
  • “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”\
    Gavin, age 8
  • “They are just practising for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.”\
    John, age 9
Confidential opinions about love
  • “I’m in favour of love as long as it doesn’t happen when”Dinosaurs\” is on television.\”\
    Jill, age 6
  • “Love is foolish…but I still might try it sometime.”\
    Floyd, age 9
  • “Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place…we were behind a tree.”\
    Carey, age 7
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”\
    Dave, age 8
  • “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.”\
    Regina, age 10
The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover
  • “Sensitivity don’t hurt.”\
    Robbie, age 8
  • “One of you should know how to write a cheque. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”\
    Ava, age 8
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you
  • “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.”\
    Del, age 6
  • “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs…and don’t worry if their parents are right there.”\
    Manual, age 8
  • “Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.”\
    Alonzo, age 9
  • “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”\
    Bart, age 9
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?
  • “Just see if the man picks up the cheque. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”\
    Bobby, age 9
  • “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold…Other people care more about the food.”\
    Bart, age 9
  • “Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.”\
    Sarah, age 9
  • “See if the man has lipstick on his face.”\
    Sandra, age 7
  • “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire.”\
    Christine, age 9
Titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved
  • “How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?”\
    Arnold, age 10
  • “You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.”\
    Larry, age 8
  • “I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!”\
    Eddie, age 6
  • “I Am In Love With You Most Of The Time, But Don’t Bother Me When I’m With My Friends.”\
    Bob, age 9
  • “Hey Baby, I Don’t Like Girls But I’m Willing To Forget You Are One!”\
    Will, age 7
What most people are thinking when they say “I love you”
  • “The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.”\
    Michelle, age 9
  • “Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.”\
    Dick, age 7
How was kissing invented?
  • “I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they don’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.”\
    Gina, age 8
How a person learns to kiss
  • “You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.”\
    Julia, age 7
  • “You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.”\
    Brian, age 7
  • “It might help to watch soap operas all day.”\
    Carin, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone?
  • “When they’re rich.”\
    Pam, age 7
  • “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it.”\
    Tammy, age 10
  • “If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission.”\
    Roger, age 6
How to make love endure
  • “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.”\
    Dick, age 7
  • “Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love.”\
    Erin, age 8
  • “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”\
    Dave, age 8
  • “Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind…Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.”\
    Natalie, age 9

I hope that something better comes along

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SCENE: Evening in a bar. Our HERO walks into the the bar, pausing by the piano as the bar’s PIANIST plays an opening riff. The PIANIST looks up and greets our HERO as he plays lightly on the keyboard.

PIANIST: Evenin’! You look like you could use a drink.

OUR HERO: Yeah. I’d like a grasshopper, please.

PIANIST: [Calling to the bartender] Hey, can we have a grasshopper for the frog?

OUR HERO: Uh, that…that’s Kermit, Kermit the Frog.

PIANIST: Oh! Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog, here. Pleased ta meet’cha!

[ROWLF plays a fancy glissando on the piano]

ROWLF: I’m no Heifetz, but I get by.

[ROWLF continues to play lightly, as KERMIT looks out the window]

ROWLF: Lemme guess — broken heart, right?

KERMIT: Huh. Does it show?

ROWLF: Listen — when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain; a shattered dream for every falling star.

KERMIT: Exactly. She just walked out on me.

ROWLF: Eh, typical. That’s why I live alone.

KERMIT: You do, huh?

ROWLF: You bet. Finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.

KERMIT: Nice and simple.

ROWLF: Stay away from women — that’s my motto.

KERMIT: But I can’t!

ROWLF: Neither can I. That’s my trouble.

ROWLF: You can’t life with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
There’s something irresistable-ish about ’em.
We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long —
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

KERMIT: I see what you mean.
It’s no good complainin’, and pointless to holler.

ROWLF: If she’s a beauty she’ll get under your collar.

KERMIT: She made a monkey out of old King Kong.

BOTH: I hope that something better comes along.

ROWLF: Ah, but what could be better, than a saucy Irish Setter,
When puppy love comes on strong?
Or a collie that’s classy…
A laddie needs a lassie…
A lover and wife gives you a new leash on life!

KERMIT: Uh — uh, was that a new leash on life?

ROWLF: Oh yeah. Uh, sorry about that. Two, three, four…

KERMIT: I don’t mean to scare ya, my friend, but I bet’cha,
come Father’s Day the litter bug’s gonna get’cha.

ROWLF: The urge is righteous but the face is wrong!

BOTH: I hope that something better comes along.

KERMIT: Still, it’s fun when they’re fetchin’,
and agree to see an etching,
that you keep at your lilly pad.
There is no solution, it’s part of evolution…

ROWLF: The pitter-patter of soles, the little feet of tadpoles!

KERMIT: Uh, Rowlf, tadpoles don’t have feet!

ROWLF: Oh. Sorry about that. Two, three, four…

KERMIT: There’s no limitation to mixin’ and matchin’.

ROWLF: Some get an itchin’ for a critter they’ve been scratchin’.
A skunk was badgered, the results were strong!
I hope that somethin’ better,

BOTH: I hope that somethin’ better,
I hope that somethin’ better comes along!

ROWLF: Beep-bop-biddy-biddy, doom-bom-diddy-diddy, dom-bum-um-ummm…

[KERMIT walks off]

ROWLF: It’s not often you see a guy that green…had the blues that bad.

The same way in any country

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We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction.

“Why, of course, the people don’t want war,” Goering shrugged. “Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don’t want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship.”

“There is one difference,” I pointed out. “In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars.”

“Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.”

— from Nuremberg Diary by Gustave Gilbert, found in this essay, via Doc Searls