Quotes

A collection of quotes that I’ve found interesting at one point or another over the years.

Message from our sponsor

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We interrupt this program with a special bulletin.

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All constitutional rights have been suspended. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to contact loved ones, insurance agents, or attorneys. Shut up. Do not attempt to think, or depression may occur. Stay in your homes. Curfew is at 7pm sharp, after work. Anyone caught outside the gates of their subdivision sectors after curfew will be shot. Remain calm. Do not panic. Your neighborhood watch officer will be by to collect urine samples in the morning. Anyone caught interfering with the collection of urine samples will be shot. Houses will be inspected for trace elements at noon. Anyone who fails to display the required embossed Mexican velvet painting of Alexander Haig on their living room wall will be shot. Cameras and surveillance equipment will be posted on all lampposts and streetlights. Anyone failing to attend required worship services on Sunday will be promptly arrested and dispatched to a re-education resort. Stay in your homes. Remain calm. The number one enemy of progress is questions. National security is more important than individual will. All sports broadcasts will proceed as normal. No more than two people may gather anywhere without permission. Use only the drugs prescribed by your boss or supervisor. Shut up! Be happy! Obey all orders without question. The comfort you’ve demanded is now mandatory. Be happy! At last — everything is done for you.

— Jello Biafra, “Message from our sponsor” from No More Cocoons

Written and performed back in 1992, I was listening to this spoken word piece by Jello Biafra tonight and it struck me how little has changed since it was written. Aside from the reference to Al Haig, this little pice of satire is just as relevant today as it was ten years ago. Kind of funny and sad at the same time, I think.

Religions are wacky

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I haven’t found a major religion yet (or even a minor one) that isn’t wacky. I know that this post will bring out the wackiest among you too. Hey, you can’t sell me on your religion. They all stink.

While we’re on this, a few years ago I made this claim in the off.ramp newsgroup that I used to hang out in: God is a Dumbass. I offered Nevada and the Moon as proof. Guess what? No one ever was able to prove me wrong. At minimum I believe that God — if she exists — drinks cheap whiskey. That’d explain why things go to hell once in a while.

— Robert Scoble, on his weblog.

I’m not surprised

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I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation.

— Pres. George W. Bush (via Tom Tomorrow)

Now there’s an image for ya.

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I’ve got tears in my eyes from laughing right now…

I once had a Beige G3 300, and a spider of some description decided that the ethernet port seemed like a pretty attractive living space.

One day, I could not for the life of me figure out why the ethernet port wasn’t working. I got round the back of the computer, and noticed a little bit of what appeared to be plastic thread hanging out. I pulled, and pulled and pulled, and I swear I pulled out the longest fucking piece of spider web you’ll ever see.

— hype7, on /.

You think you were surprised — I’m envisioning the world’s most alarmed spider as you pull thread out of its ass as fast as it can produce it. Now there’s an image for ya.

— Myco, on /.

Why movies are bad

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Most movies seem to follow the following formula to success:

  1. Hire big actors for the gross national product of a small nation
  2. Spend another few GNP on special effects
  3. Give a wino in the parking lot 5 bucks and a slightly used cigarette for a script

— substrate, on MeFi

Kinda freaky – voices from the past

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Okies, this was kind of weird. As usual in the evenings, I’m sitting here at my desk, working on my ‘puter and letting iTunes grab songs at random. The current track is ‘America No More’, by the KLF, off of the single for ‘America: What Time Is Love?‘.

The song is a combination of war sound effects (planes, helicopers, missiles, explosions, and the like), a bagpipe tune, and samples from various broadcasts from around the time the song was written, in (I believe) 1991.

All of a sudden, I hear George Bush Sr.’s voice coming out of my speakers…

…the legitimate government of Kuwait will be restored to its rightful place, and Kuwait will once again be free. Iraq will eventually comply with all relevant United Nations resolutions, and then, when peace is restored, it is our hope that Iraq will live as a peaceful and cooperative member of the family of nations, thus enhancing the security and stability of the Gulf.

I guess it sounded good at the time, huh?

Laughter is good

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However, a good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing; the more’s the pity. So, if any one man, in his own proper person, afford stuff for a good joke to anybody, let him not be backward, but let him cheerfully allow himself to spend and be spent in that way. And the man that has anything bountifully laughable about him, be sure there is more in that man than perhaps you think for.

— Ishmael, in Herman Melville’s Moby Dick

A gun for words

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I’ve heard about self-fulfilling prophecies — could this be a self-defeating prophecy?

The problem with reading wonderful writing by truly great authors is that my own writing suffers, dramatically, in comparison. Everything I write lately just sits on the page, flat, dejected, and suffering. If there was such a thing as a gun for words, I would shoot each of mine and give them a quick and painfree end.

Boy, do I ever understand the feeling Burningbird describes here, but what really caught me was how spot-on that was, while in the midst of being frustrated at her own writing.

And speaking of being dissatisfied, I just stumbled over how to put this post together through about three false starts. You’d think a simple “I think this is nifty” post would be easy, wouldn’t you?

Oh, hell.

I think this is nifty.