Humor

Things that make me laugh, or that I think will make others laugh.

How many times were you a minor?

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On a lighter note, while this news story isn’t really something to laugh at, it has a wonderful example of bad writing that made me laugh:

A 35-year-old educator in Douglas County has been arrested on charges that she allegedly had sexual relations with a 16-year-old student who is a minor more than once.

So he was a minor more than once, huh? Just how many times can one be a minor? Is it a cumulative thing encompassing everything up until your 18th birthday? Are you a minor 18 times? Or once for each month/day/hour/minute? Just how is this figured out, anyway?

iTunes “I’m Going Straight to Heaven” by DJ Zero/MC 900 Ft Jesus from the album Hell With the Lid Off (1990, 4:03).

Small Pets Allowed

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As Prairie and I are planning on getting a place together in a few months, we’ve started occasionally flipping through ‘For Rent’ listings to see what’s available in our price range around town.

Yesterday, one of the listings caught my eye.

“Hey — ‘small pets allowed, up to 20 pounds.’ We could get forty hamsters!”

Sadly, my idea was vetoed, as was my backup suggestion of one large hamster.

Ah, the compromises we make when arranging living with someone else.

iTunes “Razor’s Edge” by Revolting Cocks from the album Beers, Steers and Queers (1990, 4:45).

Just stop talking

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Many years ago, I went to a summer camp in which one of the activities was horseback riding. This ended up being a less-than-successful experience for me, though, as as soon as I got up in the saddle the horse reared up, dumping me rather unceremoniously on the ground as I slid off the saddle and over the horse’s rear end.

Last night, as I was talking to Alicia, Laurie and Robert outside the Vogue as I was preparing to leave, I started to try to relate this story after Alicia mentioned that she has four horses at her place out in Snohomish.

So what words actually managed to fall out of my mouth?

“I was on a horse once…it got me off. (pause) It threw me off…aw, dammit….”

And much laughter ensued, along with Laurie’s observation that, “So this must have been bareback, I suppose?”

Some days, I really should just keep my mouth shut.

iTunes “Smear Body” by Nitzer Ebb from the album That Total Age (1987, 5:49).

…ask what you can do for your country.

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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away.

The second night, Bush sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, as I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, “Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Help the less fortunate, just as I did,” FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, “Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”

Lincoln replies, “Go see a play.”

(via Dad)

iTunes “Into the Trap” by London Symphony Orchestra, The/Williams, John from the album Star Wars Trilogy: The Original Soundtrack Anthology (1983, 2:39).

Flickr being bought by…everybody?

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For the past few days, rumors have been flying around that Yahoo is buying Flickr.

Whatever the truth of the matter, never let it be said that Flickr isn’t handling the rumors with good grace and a sense of humor. While the general public won’t see anything different, logged-in users are seeing a new logo on the page. Even funnier, the filename for the graphic is gossipgossipgossip.gif.

Here’s a quick look at just what we’ve got, then:

Flickr Gossip

iTunes “Rat Poison” by Prodigy, The from the album Voodoo People (1995, 5:31).

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

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Thank you for calling Etch-A-Sketch Support!

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

(from the OxDEADBEEF archives, via MeFi)

You Ashcroft!

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Too. Damn. Funny.

You’re an Ashcroft! No, you’re the Ashcroft!

Imagine hearing that exchange in a movie — you’d think that Hollywood had come up with a crazy new insult. Well, it turns out that some airline passengers watching the Oscar-nominated film “Sideways” on foreign flights are, in fact, hearing “Ashcroft” as a substitute for a certain seven-letter epithet commonly used to denote a human orifice.

The Post’s Monte Reel, based in Buenos Aires, tells us he heard the former attorney general’s name substituted at least twice in “Sideways” dialogue when he watched the film earlier this week on an Aerolineas Argentinas flight to Lima, Peru. The movie was shown in English and the dubbing was done “in the actual voices of the actors,” Reel reports. Star Thomas Haden Church utters the A-word.

(via MeFi)

iTunes “Time for Me” by Fiction 8 from the album Cyberl@b (1998, 3:59).

Newsflash: Psychics as accurate as ever

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I’m running behind in my online reading, between concentrating on my server and then feeling ill last weekend — I’m currently reading items from Feb. 13th in NetNewsWire, and I’ve got 2000 unread items to go — but sometimes there are advantages to being a bit behind the times. Take this Metafilter post, for example:

A group of psychics led by colourful ‘SilverJade’, based in Johannesburg South Africa, have predicted that a series of earthquakes and other natural disasters will strike the western coast of the United States on or around the 23rd of February 2005. The prediction is based on the interpretation of a series of dreams by SilverJade, and the technical analysis of earthquake patterns occuring worldwide throughout the month of January 2005. As of 11th of February 2005, they have successfully predicted a significant event, a 5.5 magnitude earthquake in south eastern Alaska, as being a first step in a series of smaller events leading up to the big bang. The next step of the prediction is set to occur at some time on or around the 13th and 15th of the month.

Seeing as how it’s now late in the evening on the 16th, I do believe that SilverJade was a bit off in her predictions.

Gee, now that’s a surprise.

Of course, we do have until “on or around” the 23rd to see if she ends up with the last laugh…

iTunes “Banstyle/Sappys Curry” by Underworld from the album Second Toughest in the Infants (1996, 15:22).